Please give me,
a dark den,
with a cool current flowing through.
Let the ground be a bed,
not dirt or grass.
Really I just want a dark den
to lay my bed.
For you see
I simply don’t want to be me.
Not that I do not like being me,
simply put I don’t want to be.
Just for a time,
just for a night.
All I want to be
is in a dark den,
one that is cool,
with my beautiful bed
to curl up comfy in.
I seem to be taking steps towards my dreams and end goals. They are just small steps. I started to budget, so that I can save money to further my journey. With budgeting being done with my money I can see how far I have to go with being able to afford what I need to do. An example of what I am talking about is, I am trying to save money to afford an acting coach. I know I need an outsider’s eye to point me to what I need to do. I also want to make sure I actually have art supplies in my budget and that I will be able to give away at least a few books (once I finish it).
With working on my money budget I am realizing I need to do that with my time. I have a limited amount of time during a month, just like I have a limited amount of money. I need to make sure I am using my time wisely, even more than my money I feel like. I noticed a lot this week that although I am not watching television for three months I am still distracting myself and not being productive. Yes, I do need breaks and to relax, but switching from wasting my time on one thing to another does not help anything.
My goals are important to me and time is more important in completing them than money. I am looking up time management apps to help me, well manage my time. Hopefully, distractions will be cut down when I realize how little time I really have.
I am working on my goals. The hardest 2 this week seems to be my physical goal (basically eating healthier and exercising more), and editing ( 30 hours in 30 days). I just can’t seem to find time to exercise, edit or make healthy meals. I am eating healthier and going to BJJ, but I’m not stretching myself.
Still, I can see where I am doing well. I am reading the Bible more, getting more sleep (thanks to no t.v.), saying ‘I love you,’ more, having more conversation, and looking towards my future in acting and writing. I am doing things, but I can always see room to improve.
I always am looking on ways to improve and usually hard on myself, but that’s just who I am.
I will end this post on a good note. I was able to write 3 things this week. Here they are.
Weekly Writing Prompt
Who do I do this for?
Who will win from my hard work?
Who will smile as I undress,
displaying my wonderfully curvy body?
Me, the answer is me.
I will win,
I will smile
and I am doing this for me.
I do not strive,
I do not fight,
I do not struggle
not for anyone,
except me and God.
If I do not do this for me,
then it is for God.
If I do not win,
then it is for God.
If I do not smile,
then I lost sight of God.
Who is all this for?
It is for me,
but if not me than for God.
I do not want to live this life.
I want to dance with the pixies,
laugh with the werewolves
and maybe meet a fairy or two.
I do not want to live this life.
I want to see my thoughts
in air bubbles that are
taken away by the evening’s breeze.
I do not want to live this life.
I yearn to be free.
Free of things tied to reality,
where there is magic.
I do not want to live this life.
Yet, I know I have to.
I guess I will just depend on love
to be my magic
and honestly that is enough for me.
Â
It seems like this week I came up with so many different ways that I could help boost my DreamWard Bound journey.
One you may have seen or read. It was a monologue from a character in my book. I did it in hopes that if more people know about the characters while I work on the book, when it is finished more people will be interested in reading it. At one point I will even share a portion of a chapter.
I am also thinking about turning DreamWard Bound posts into a book. I think my journey is interesting and I like the poetry and stories that help tell my journey. I am not in a place where there is an end to that book yet. I still will have to wait on something happening. Yet, when it does I want to be ready and have that boost me towards my end goals and dreams.
Another book idea or writing project I have is turning my 3 month challenge of no television into a book. I’m not sure if it will be just a kindle size or if it will be long enough for a real book. I am just starting on that journey and study. So far I have journaled my thoughts and study notes. I think I’m interesting enough for people to read that journey. At least I am interesting to me.
On another note I am starting to find myself picking apart the different aspects of the music I listen to. If this continues I may start a new hobby (creating music). I always need more hobbies and things to do. It would be another way for people to hear about me. However, it is not part of my end goal and I have never really been a musical person, so I am trying to just let that be. I already am stretched thin with my time.
I am working on my goals with the time I do have as I am thinking of new ways to boost me towards my end goals. I haven’t watched televisions, except when I was over a friend’s house for dinner. I believe I have said I love some one every day. I am pretty sure I’ve said it to multiple people. I am at least conscious of my health, but have been lacking on actually eating healthier and working out on days I can’t go to BJJ. Editing is also going slow, but I do plan to edit a bunch today. I have writing my monologue for this week and after I write four, I will pick one to perform and post on YouTube.
To end this post I will leave you with my list of things I posted this week, like I normally do.
A Beauty and A Beast
Weekly Writing Prompt
Note: Links removed to site updates.
Kitty is a character in my novel, who can not talk. She finds different ways to communicate and share knowledge. There is a lot to her, but she can’t always get that across. This monologue is an internal monologue taking place inside Kitty’s mind to Noah, one of the other main characters and the person she is closest to.
I do hear you. I do understand you. I do deserve my position. I really do and I know you know I should be where I am. I just wonder if the others think I belong. Sometimes I know that I don’t, but then you look at me and I belong. Your brother seems hard and protective of his mission. He can’t see that it is my mission too.
I am locked inside my mind. I wish I could just tell you and your brother. Really I wish I could tell everyone what is happening inside. It is like the neural pathways  connecting my voice and thoughts are missing. With every trauma or change they are erased and I must relearn how to make sounds that would be considered words. To make matters worst my memories are misplaced. They are not lost, just misplaced. This makes it hard even know what I know. All my memories are intact, but they are hidden from me and it seems like just when I find a memory or way to connect my vocal cords and thoughts together they are erased or jumbled up.
I hope you understand that I am doing my best. Your smile makes me think you know, but how? I never know until I start reconnecting things. Maybe that is why you’re with me; to help me remember that I am not permanently broken just different with misplaced memories.
Hopefully one day I will get to thank you. Hopefully one day everyone will understand. I am smart and I am worthy of helping. It may be a long time, but I do hope.
I hope you like this and if you follow my blog you will learn more about the characters of  Duality, since I am pretty focused on it. At least I am trying to be really focused on it.Â
I mentioned in this week’s DreamWard Bound post that I was going to sit down and revise not only my goals but my dreams or end goals. I wanted to start from scratch and figure out where I actually want to go from where I am.
I have done this at least one other time and I do not believe I shared the entire thing that I wrote about my goals and dreams. I have big dreams and sometimes I wonder if I share them if that will hurt my  chances of getting them. Well, more and more I am realizing that dreams are just goals without actionable steps being taken. My dreams might be larger than my life, but I do have small steps to walk towards them. I am creating goals for my life to bring me to my dreams.
Since my ideas of dreams and goals have changed, I would like to share with you my end goal and what I imagine my perfect life to be. I am not saying that my life will be perfect. It will just be perfectly suited for me. I know there will be hard times and sacrifices that I must make along the way, but it will be worth it.
Here you go.
Goals and Dreams:
Where do I start? In my dreams I am a happy artist.
My main focus is writing and acting. I wake up early most days and work long hours when I am on set. I am warm and friendly to both cast and crew. People Enjoy working with me. I work on either faith-based of sci-fi/ fantasy based movies or television shows portraying strong women, dorky side kicks, independent women or other roles that break false images of women or Christians. My main focus with acting is to shine the light of God’s love and the strength he gives his daughters. I want mainstream media to stop putting down or giving a false image of Christian women.
I want to be a part of a movement where we bring Christian morals back to entertainment and art. I want to help people see that Christianity is about loving each other and God’s love. I want to show and teach people that religion for religion’s sake is wrong, but a loving relationship with God is the way to live. He is the one who can save the world and he is the reason for love. Jesus came to the world not to condemn it but to save it and the world should know that. I want to help the world learn that kind of love.
Sorry for that little rant. Let me continue with the other areas of my future life.
I have a fan base that feels comfortable around me and who I actually help. They find support along with a distant friend in me.
I am more than an actor though. I also write and publish books. I have my blog, but my books are my main writing focus and means of income as far as writing is concerned.
I also work towards crossing 1 item off my bucket list each year.
When I am not writing or acting I want to be training BJJ or even another martial art. I want to be able to learn from every aspect of my life and use it towards acting, writing or any other art form I may take up. BJJ helps me prepare for fight scenes and give me confidence and friendship. My end goal with BJJ is to be physically healthy, able to protect myself, and perhaps even become a black belt.
For my family I imagine that I am close and talk often to both my real family and my church family. I know that they will always be there for me and they support me the best way they can. I want to be able to support them also with the needs they have. I also want to become as open as possible with each and every family member, creating relationships with no walls.
I know that I can do all this because I am focused on God. He is the only way that I will stay on track. I will grow my relationship with him daily either by prayer, podcasts, books, sermons, audio-books or conversations directed towards God.
My goals that I have are as follows:
Spiritual: In order to focus on God more fully I will not watch tv or YouTube, unless with friends or it’s teaching on God, for the next 3 months (until September 13th) and with that extra time I will listen to a podcast or read a Biblical based book. This time will be focused on growing my understanding about God and exploring where he might be leading me.
 Relationship: I will tell one person that I love them every day for the next month (until July 13th) and try to start a conversation with them. I am doing this to strengthen my relationships and spread my love.
Physical: I am going to train BJJ at least 3 days and do bed-room workouts 2 other days every week. In addition I am going to eat 1 organic meal a week and at least 1 healthy meal every day. I will do this for the next month (until July 13th).
Editing: I will spend 30 hrs in the next 30 days editing my book (July 13th), keeping in mind that my new deadline for the second draft is November 1st.
Acting/ Writing: I will write 1 monologue a week and record at least 1 monologue a month. I will post every monologue that I record to YouTube to help grow my audience and receive feedback. I will do this for 3 months (until September 13th).
I yet again did not do too much focusing on being dreamward bound. My goals and working towards my future has fallen to the side line. At this moment my goals are not even where I can see them clearly. This is because I know I need to revise them and get them back up, but I’ve been lazy this week. Well, I’ve been lazy and a little obsessed with Once Upon A Time. It is such a neat show with great characters. Thankfully for my time management I finished all the episodes that I can watch.
I am going to refocus on my goals, now, and revise them so that I can yet again be on the road towards my dreams. It always seems hard to start the revision process and some times I don’t really do it. I am so far from even knowing where my heart’s goals lie that I might just start from scratch and revise my end/ all goals. What I mean by that is take the day and really think about how I want my future to be and what I should be focusing on. This will take more time than my normal tweaking of the dates, order, or time spent. Doing a full revision will take most of the day, if not all of it. Thankfully I have no plans for the day and only have Church tomorrow. I just need to stop being distracted and do it.
Okay, here I go. I am going to go spend the rest of the day organizing my dreams and life. I will leave you with the two posts I published this week.
Weekly Writing Prompt
I walk multiple paths in life.
My life is a combination of journeys,
all taking place at the same time
all taking their own time.
I look at the journeys I walk
and try to see where I’ve been
to see where the path leads.
I look back to see where I’m going
seeing the past as hints to the future.
On one journey
I am an artist;
dancing towards acting
while I write my paintings,
soon I’ll sculpt my imagination
trying new ways to shine my mind,
but always keeping pen near paper
to pour my emotions out with ink.
On one journey
I walk and journey
alone and with friends.
We talk in the silence
and let the silence talk for itself,
with my voice starting soft
growing as I crawl along,
only being able to be heard
when I discover myself around a bend.
Then love like a flood starts to pour out
and I learn to love by loving;
I learn to be loved.
On one journey
I am alone.
friends beside me,
Family supporting behind me
and God leading ahead of me,
but no one of my own.
On this journey there is an air of not knowing.
not knowing,
Is this how it will always be?
I look at the journeys I walk
looking back to see where I’m going
seeing the past as hints to the future.
I see a loved artist,
a strong, loyal friend,
and a happily single adventurer.
This week was a little crazy and all over the place. From Saturday to Tuesday evening I was basically imprisoned in my home, since my car would not start and, besides a wonderful friend who drove me to Church, I did not have another form of transportation. Truth be told most of the time I did not mind the imprisonment. I got a few things done around the house that I needed to get done and was able to edit my novel a bit. I also binge watched Once Upon A Time, so that was fun.
I started to revise my goals this week, but got as far as first goal. This was basically just giving a new dead line for my 2nd draft of my novel and giving a different reward. I was going to do it Tuesday since I took the day off because I was going to have to pick up my car from the shop, but I kept thinking that I didn’t have time to really focus on my goals. I could be able to pick up my car at any point in the day. It wasn’t until evening that I actually did pick up the car, so basically wasted a perfectly good day not doing anything.
Once I got my car back I was able to go back to work and then Jiu-Jitsu class on Wednesday, which made it feel like a Monday. On Thursday I could not stay still at work; this made the day really hard. I then went to a leadership meeting for my improv group and we decided when which weeks I would be leading. I’m excited to step up and be more involved, even though I have no time as it is.
Friday came a lot slower than I thought it should, but it came and I went to a friend’s kid’s talent show.
Saturday was the 6 year anniversary of arriving in California the first time I moved here. My friends and I call it our Californiverrasary. The four of us  hung out for most of the day and reminisced about the last 6 years. We discussed memories of the beginnings of building our new California life. We had a conversation about what was the most surprising thing to happen to us. We also talked about where we see ourselves in the next six years. It was great to talk and spend time with just the original ‘Eastcoasters,’ even though I love the spouses and other additions to the group. The four of us have a special relationship and it seemed almost needed to be reminded of that, by stepping away from all of our other loved ones.
Saturday also got me thinking about my life, past and future. That could be a whole other post though, so instead of going off on that tantrum I will leave you with the link to the only post I published this week.
Weekly Writing Prompt
Note: Links removed to site updates.