Clear

My heart starts wandering.
My head is never clear.
I turn to find myself,
then turn to find a ring.
I think I have lost you,
yet you whisper ‘I am always near.’

My soul yearns to be with you.
My heart is never clear.
I wish to face your beauty
and know what to do.
Still I know you are never far;
yes you are always near.

My Tesitmony

I have not shared my testimony/ story in a while so I figured I would share it with everyone.

I grew up in a small town with a rather large family, which included 3 sisters and 4 step-siblings. I would only see my father on the weekends and my relationship with him was not ideal.

After graduating high school I went to college 2 hours away. I felt what I thought was freedom. I could do pretty much anything and not fear my mother finding out. I still got good grades and still graduated on time, but I partied and stayed up till all hours of the night. Some nights the sun would rise before I left my friend’s house.

Like I said I graduated on time from college and then the question was raised, ‘Now what?’ I decided to go to California with a group of friends. We wanted to live the Californian life. We wanted to own a night club, computer business, and whatever else seemed like fun.

We drove for six days to get to our new home that just fell into our laps. It was a great big house close to the ocean. Everything was looking good, for a time.

Of course, it was not long before things went down hill. Our friend that we moved out there for found himself needing to move to New York, very badly and within a month of the move he went to live with his parents. The five that moved out there were now on our own. We did not have jobs or friends out there. We only had the four bedroom house.

Things started to get rough and we started to fight with each other. At one point my friend, Ryan threatened to move out. He did not actually move out but we all were not happy campers.

Someone one day came up with the idea of studying all the different religions to find the one main truth. We
figured there must be a through line in all the religions. It’s not like we thought knowing the different religions would help, we were more curious. We assigned the different religions among our group. However, the only person that actually looked into his assigned religion was, Justin, who chose Christianity/ the Bible, since he already had one from his grandmother.

One or two others in the group talked with Justin about God before my encounter with God. The time line gets a little blurry because once God came into our group He came rushing in. The time in between each of us accepting God and the Bible to be true was no more than two months, maybe even shorter. That is five friends in two months.

Each one of us had a very clear moment when God came into our hearts. Notice I do not say, ‘When I found Jesus.’ I did not find Jesus, I did not find God. I was not looking for God or Jesus. I did not want that boring religion filled with self-sacrifice and rituals to be true. Thankfully God is not a god of religion or rituals. He is the God and so much more than anything we can fully understand.

He found his way into my heart one day as I was meditating on the cliffs in Santa Cruz, California. I did not think I was praying and did not bring anything. I had taken the walk with my friend and roommate Marc, who had brought Justin’s Bible (the only Bible in the house). After I asked the universe to send me a sign about what is true, something like a small voice in the back of my soul told me, ‘Pick up the Bible.’ I stood walked over to Marc and asked him to see the Bible that was next to him. He handed it to me or I picked it up and walked back to my area.

I did not flip through the pages or pick a verse to read. I did not want this to be true. I let the wind blow the pages. When the wind died down enough for the pages to stop flapping, the Bible was about open about half way. My eyes did not fall on the first line of either page though. I remember it was about half way down the page that I started to read. I read the verse, “Oh, hear me Lord in my meditation and deliver me from the evil doers.” It was Psalm 64 in the New King James Bible. The Lord did hear me in my meditation. Than as I accepted the Bible to be true something like a light or breath or a new life came into. I could have ignored it and said that it was nothing, but it was something special. It was indeed a new life and it was because I was open to any idea, even the ones I did not want to be opened to.

Since that day I’ve taken leaps and bounds in my journey, but have fallen and slipped. I pray honestly, earnestly and full hearten at times, yet other times I hardly pray at all. My life is not prefect, actually it’s far from it, but it is a true and full life. I do not have a husband or stable career path. I am not saved from the dangers in the world, but I am alive and have a God who I can lean on. I do not know where my life is going. I only know the next step I need to take is because life is a journey filled with little steps and you may trip and stumble but God will catch you, all you need to do is trust in him.

If I could tell you one thing I’ve learned it’s just that; life is a journey filled with steps and the only way you can get to your destination, your destiny, is to trust is the Lord our God, who loves you and has saved the world. All you need to do is be open to his guidance and love.

Following God

Over the three years and some odd months that I’ve called myself a Christian and have followed God He has spoken to me in different ways. Whether its through prayer, a pastor’s message, reading the Bible, talking with friends or simply looking at the world around him. Sometimes God whispers through nature, pulling your focus to the different seasons or the life of a lovely flower, which whispers there is a time for everything and God makes beautiful life like art.

Little signs and whispers are sweet and loving. Yet, that is not the only way God speaks He also can shout with a flood of tweets saying “be brave”, friends saying that any dream is scarey but it is worth it, reading Bible versions saying trust in God, and pastors’ messages saying God has a plan and we must follow it. Yes,  it seems like God is shouting to me “follow my plan” and that is scarey, because no where in the Bible does it say God is safe or comfortable.

God is loving, awesome, just and powerful, but his wisdom, power and love is not worldly, it is above the world’s understanding. This causes his plans to bigger than we can imagine. We can not understand His plans.

If we trust and follow God we cannot rely on our own understanding. We have to trust that God really knows what he is doing, although our path may be dark he will bring you through it, and God’s plans is the best path for you. If you truly follow God you have to fully trust him and believe in him 100%.

That is what he is telling me right now and my thoughts on it. So prepare for more blogs about my adventures and poems about hard paths and struggling towards my dreams.

Winter fears on a summer day

I worry about winter
When summer is near,
When spring only now
Is fading into a sweet memory.
Yes, I fear the cold frigid storms
When the Sun shines bright
Warming the already hot air.
I worry and fear
But I convice myself not tonight.
For the night must be for dreams,
dream that could turn into reality.
Oh,  how I want to force
my reality into my dreams,
Push my hopes into a cage
Or wish my life far far away.
Yet, there must be a different way
A new path, a strange way.
A road away from the fears
Of freezing on the road
Of needing to stop because of the cold.
How can I force summer to stay?
Is there a way
To stop seasons from changing
to stop life from living?
No, I suppose there is no way
Of stopping the world from turning and life from living,
But reality does not need to stay
And the life lived can be what dreams make.

Being led.

Calm the calamity in my mind,

Because I know you’re here.

And, I know I’m right.

This path may look

the wrong way,

seem to go no way,

a dead-end

or have a brick wall in the way.

Yet, this path is

the one I’m on,

the one you lead me down,

the right road for me,

so I will walk this path

that some think leads no where.

Because I know

I will get where I going

and know that I’m being led.

My Dance to Alone

I am sure that everyone on this blog understands that I am a single woman who is also an artist. I love creating art using different mediums. I’ve been practicing my dancing and have made a danced that I recorded today. I also edited this video, partly to play with editing but also partly because my camera would not record the full dance. This actually made the dance more interesting in my opinion.

The song I set it to Alone, off of Colorful of the Stereo by The Crashtones which was released in 2006.  For more information about this wonderful band you can go to SamWitwer.com .

Puppet

mini1 mini2 mini3 mini4

I was looking through old posts and realized that I had not share with you my puppet. This is my second completed puppet and first mini-puppet.

Her name is Mini (I know so creative). She is supposed to be a miniature puppet of myself.

I’m sure one day I will edit this post to make it more interesting or perhaps Mini will get another new post all together, but for right now here she is. Well, here are pictures of her and my sculpting skills (or lack of them).

In the End

In the End

In the end

I may feel silly,

everything may be lost,

my heart may break.

In the end

it may not be worth it,

I may have to be a terrible cost,

my soul may bend.

In the end

I may wish

I never had this dream in mind.

I may want someone else to be mine.

In the end

this dream may die,

my world may change,

my heart may run away.

But in the end

my soul will not break,

my heart will mend,

and life will go on,

so I will try,

and I will struggle.

I will fight for this dream.

whether I win or lose

I will try so that

in the end

I can say

this was the best way,

this was my way,

my dream to live my life,

my life to work for my dreams.

In the end

my soul will not break,

my heart will mend,

and life will go on.

(Just a fast poem in the morning. Please let me know what you think)