The Window

poetry

The Window stays open,
but it’s cold outside.
The window stays open,
as I put on a heavy sweat shirt.
The window stays open,
so I pull on warm socks.

The cold air reminds me
of autumn leaves blowing.
The cold air reminds me
of my family gathering.
The cold air reminds me
that I am still alive.

The window stays open.
The cold air reminds me.

DreamWard Bound With Where I am

success

I took some time today to figure out where I am with my goals, what I am doing, and what I can change. I know that I don’t want to push myself too much. I don’t want to burn out like I did before Christmas. I do want to keep on keeping on with them. I do want to work towards my goals, challenging myself as I do.

I realized that for now I need to have a more relaxed format and although I will be trying to do more and more as time goes on I am only going to do a little with each category of my life that I want to focus on.

With God and the Bible I have been listening to an audio Bible instead of reading it. I allow myself to relax and have even fallen asleep listening to it. I know this is not ideal, but at least I am listening and going through the Bible. Now when I try to read it I will at least have some knowledge of all the books. I am also starting to listening to two podcasts on my way to work. At least I am trying to start listening to the podcasts, but technology is fighting against me.

Next, I did have a goal about my family. I want to talk to them more. I realized though, I want stronger relationships with everyone in my life. That is why I am going to still try to contact my family members at least once a week, something that I still have not mastered, but I am also going to be intentional with the people around me. I going to try to encourage my BJJ classmates more, help my friends, and talk to people more. I am going to try to be intentionally more friendly and more open.

As far as my novel goes I am going to be focusing the most sit down alone time to that. I want to keep my deadline and to do that I have to edit 1.5 chapters a week. I am planning to spend most of this weekend with my characters and story. Hopefully I will be able to polish it up nicely and only have to go over it one or two more times. I want to be finishing up with it this time next year.

My health is next on the important scale. Since I have started Brazilian Jit Jitsu I have found a want and almost need to be healthier. I want to push myself harder to be healthy in my eating and activities. I am not going to jump right over to the super healthy side of things. If I do that I will wind up giving into the not healthy eating patterns that I fall into so often. Instead I will start gradual and listen to my body. I will be eating more salads and vegetables. I am also doing a 100 day exercise  challenge, which I mentioned in another post.  I did revise the challenge, since I did not have enough space to safely do any sort of rolls. As it is I have to reset my shrimps and hip switches at least 3 times. I am doing the challenge though. I am at day 15, so far. My fitness and health will be steps towards being in the best shape that I can be. It will be a long journey, but I am on it.

Now, there is my acting. It is on the back burner and I am not really focused on it as a career or really an actionable goal at the moment. However, that does not mean I am doing nothing with it. I am still going to my improv group almost weekly. I have had to take a few weeks off in this new year. It seemed like I was either sick or burnt out by Thursday. I am getting back in the rhythm of life it seems, though. I am even leading a group this coming week. Since, this is my only outlet for acting I will be intentional with it. I am going to focus on growing my skills, learning more about improv and hopefully leading when needed.

Finally, there is this blog thing that I am trying to do, also. I love writing and seeing people visiting what I wrote. I enjoy the feedback, even if it is mostly just likes. I am learning what people like to read and what is the most interesting to them. I am also learning what pulls them in and how what I say affects the stats of the site. This blog is a learning experience for me just as much as it is about the writing and making me focused on my writing.  Although I am learning and enjoying having this outlet, like I said last week I believe, I need to not have this be my main focus. I will be trying to do at least two posts every week, one being the DreamWard Bound posts and the other being my weekly writing prompt posts, that have been a lot less than weekly.

Those are all the thoughts I have now. I know this post is longer than my recent posts. I am sure I will go back to basically having no updates next week. It is the whole thinking about my DreamWard journey, that makes this one long.

I do hope you enjoyed this and like always, please, let me know what you think.

Crush

writing

I do have a crush. It is a crush with the knowledge that the name of it is coming. Like an attack on my heart temporarily wounding my soul.

If there were real dating leagues he would be one higher than mine. If you write him on paper he would be the perfect of husband material. I could ignore the league and rip the paper. Yet, I cannot ignore the melting of my heart when he smiles.

I want to be safe in his arms, nuzzling close to his heart. I want to invite him into my world to see the serious turn silly, which I’ve seen glimpses of. I want to join his world and learn how strength feels.

I would invite him, let him know that my heart skips a beat when I see him; tell him that his smile melts my heart. I would tell him anything and everything, except my insecurities creep up. The voice I promised myself I would ignore shouts that he is on a pedestal to high for me to get. The voice of my insecurities and fear yells that I am not worth his love and I think him so grand that I believe it. I won’t let him decide how he feels. I will wait until I can’t take the waiting, worrying and fame of what ifs, become more than I can bear. One I am convinced one way or the other I will buckle down and confess in a way that does really give him a real choice. That is when my heart will be crushed and my feelings will bleed with salt water from my eyes.

Yes,  my heart will be crushed or maybe there is another way. Perhaps this time will be different. I don’t know how to flirt or read subtle signs, but I can be bold. I can ask for advice.  I can request help in understanding my real options. There is a way to be open in the middle of my fear.

I will try this time and if my heart is crushed than my friends can help me glue it back together. Yes, I will go into battle to fill my heart’s desire with a medical kit if it breaks.

Writing Process (a free verse poem)

poetry

Poetry comes out
with my eyes closed
when sleep in near;
brilliant poems flow
when paper is far
and repeating is not enough.
Wisdom and intelligence overwhelm me
when the only outlet is to speak it to myself
or when no one is listening.

Yet when I open my eyes
words fly away
like fading dreams they fly.
The poetry inside is trapped
like a rat in a house unable to be freed
as soon as the paper is in reach.
I open my mouth when some is around
and only babble spews out.

So I write with my eyes closed,
freeing my poems from the paper trap
and write when no on is around
with the quiet of my mind.

Dream

I dream with my mind open

and my eyes shut

I dream without reality,

where anything is possible.

Yes, I dream wonderful dreams

where children run happy

parents are always pleasant

and love fills the air.

 

I dream with my mind open

and my eyes closed.

I dream the impossible dream.

I dream of you holding me close

hugging me and telling me everything will be alright.

I dream of hearing everything I want to hear

and laughing without end.

 

I dream with my mind open

and my eyes closed.

I dream of simple dreams

of walking with friends.

I dream complex dreams

of walking in friendship.

 

So many things I dream,

so many things,

but I dream dreams that will fade.