Who Am I? (Journey To Me)

Welcome to a journey I am taking to find out who I am and how I became this person. It will be a series of blog posts filled with self reflection and stories of my past.

This journey started with me asking if the person I’ve become is someone I want to be. Can I be a better version of myself? If I can what would that look like? Also, can I be happy with who I am and still desire to be a better me, whatever I define ‘better’ as?

Before I can really think about becoming a better version of myself I first have to define  where I am. How do I see myself. Just like getting directions on your gps for a vacation, I need to know where I am starting on this journey.

I am a 30 year old single female Chris follower, who is also a writer, painter, and aspiring actress.

I identify as an actress and theater person, even though I haven’t been on a stage for a long time or worked on a show for awhile. Still I see myself as a theater person. I long to be noticed as an actress. I want to learn and embody a new character. I want to learn about myself through a fictional character, like seeing through a different pair of eyes.

It brings me happiness when someone refers to me as a writer, artist or creative person. I feel love when people notice me for these things. Being creative is a passion of mine and part of who I am. When you notice my creativity you are noticing me.

It is easy for me to think little of myself and my art, since I don’t make a living off of it yet. People could very easily say it is just a hobby. I also feel like I keep most of my art to myself. At the very least I don’t promote it as much as I should. It just goes on the internet and then it is forgotten. Some paintings just go on my wall where only I can see them.

Promoting and selling my art work is one area I would like to improve on. I am taking steps for improving my online art life. I am posting more on my instagram. I am also planning on setting up a society6 shop to sell prints of my paintings and even some digital pieces I’ve been working on. I have also been toying with the idea of selling the original paintings on ebay or etsy, again. We shall see about that though. My main focus will be getting something on society6.

No matter what I will still create. I am an artist; that is who I am. That is where I will start this journey to understanding myself better.

Control of My Brain (creative ramblings)

poetry

I am in control of my brain. Yes, I am. I control what I think. Hey, did I just wink or was it just a one eye blink? Wait, no I was telling you how I control my brain. I control what I think and how my mind works. It works because I see a cat. He is a cute cat. Hey, no, brain, come on. I control you. Stop, serious, stop being distracted. Stop in the name of love, before you break my heart. Nope, I am not going start singing now, even though it’s fun to do. Well, it can be fun to do. Maybe I should just listen to music. Oh look, YouTube is up. I should check that out.

Come on brain. Focus! I am in control. I will not get distracted and will write about being in control. I will do it. I am in control of what I think and how my brain works.

There I did it. Now, brain you can you back to daydreaming and thinking about the sound a cat makes as he is playing with a toy.

Stop (A Poem)

poetry

 

Dear mind,
dear dreaming self,
please stop.
You are walking
at it’s a dangerous path.
I see the briers.
I see the holes,
pit falls,
stumbling blocks
and thorns.
I can tell
where all this thinking,
where all this dreams,
and wishing will lead.
It is clear as a day
without a cloud in the sky
and I am wearing new, clean glasses.
The briers are crisp
and the thorns are bright.
The holes contrast the beauty of the light
the pit falls are almost shouting
with their daunting blackness.

The warning signs are hung
and they are direct,
so mind please stop,
dreaming self wake up.
I know where this is going.
I have been down this road,
journeying around this area,
too many times before.
I have walked to the end of the road
nearly falling off the edge,
so mind please sleep
and dreaming self turn off.

You need to stop,
before you fall into the hole.
Desist unless you trip
into the dark pit falls that are around.
Resist even thinking about the flowers
their steams are thorns.
Turn around before the briers get you.
Mind, please I have had enough.
Dreaming self it is all a dream
one which you control.

Please, self, turn around,
in your mind,
walk down another path.
Do not journey down
the path meant for two.
Do not go on the road
when you are alone.

Thank you.

Myself (A Poem)

poetry

I’m going to reach down deep
to pull something up.
I will whisper now
while I learn how to shout.
I will stop myself
to become myself,
because with every dream
there is a struggle.
When you try to turn
you dreaming
into your reality
you must sacrifice
to get everything.
You must give away
to see your dreams in reality.
So, I will fight against myself,
push what I want now down
and pull up what I am meant to have.
I will control who I am,
to become who I want to be.
I will whisper, ‘keep going,’
so I can shout, ‘I made it.’
Always reminding myself
my dreams will be reality.

Some days you just have to remind yourself that you can do it. The road may be hard to get to where you want to go, but you can do it.  You can face and beat any struggle, challenge, or obstacle if you know and believe you can.

One day I will prove that to you, by my life, til then keep on journeying on with me.  

Double sided (Poem like writing)

writing

Do you ever feel your other side; the side that you try to hide? Do you ever try to push it down lower, because that is not the side you want shown? Do you ever wish to get rid of the part of you that should not have any part of you? And do you feel like that side, that part, could create a whole other you?

I once wrote, “I am Jekyll, but there is a Hyde.” I thought I got rid of that side, but in fact it just ran to hide. You see I am me and who I want to be. I am happy to love and love to be happy. I wish to be the sunshine in anyone’s day and want to try to see a smile on another person’s face. I am Jekyll but there is a Hyde, who hides.

She comes creeping out when I forget that she exists. When the sun is shining and my heart is filled she comes out to remind me of all the things that went wrong, scratching at the surface of my pain and playing with my fears. Reminding me with daydreams of the perfect man and the future that may never be. Wanting me to take an easier way with wider possibilities.

She forces me to look deep inside of me into the dark places that I have forgotten about, but where she lives. Like a vampire this other part of my sucks my joy and my identity away, trying to make me keep her out. She wants to play. She wants to drag others down with her, so that she can say that every one is sad and no one wants to be around.

I turn away from this darker side of me. She is not who I want to be. I do not want to worry about a future that may never be or focus on the fears that only scare. I do not want to work for nothing and live a zombie like life. No I want to be the happy version of me. The version that hears the laughter of friends and the love of family. I want to be the one striving and working towards my goals, not just sitting wasting my life.

The question remains. Do you ever feel your other side; the side that you try to hide? Do you ever try to push it down lower, because that is not the side you want shown? Do you ever wish to get rid of the part of you that should not have any part of you? And do you feel like that side, that part, could create a whole other you? I do.

The Me I Want To Be (a poem)

poetry

 I have put off writing this poem. I haven’t really wanted to truly face my ideas of loosing weight and why I want to get healthier. I also feel like I don’t have to share my reasons behind wanting to lose weight. Yet, this poem keeps bugging me, so I will write it if only to get it out of my head,

I hope you enjoy this poem.

Dear media,
Dear society,
I see the type of woman you ask for
I see your demands.
Media please know
I do not believe in your ideals
Dear society
I do not want your either.
I simply want to be me.

Yet the me in the mirror
does not match the me in my soul.
I do not know the woman
staring back at me.
I do not know the body
that I am in.
I am too young
for these ache.
My heart has more energy
than my body can take.
I yearn to do more
and be more
but how can I
when there is still more
more inches around my body
more acne on my face
and more aches in my knees.

I see you media
I see you society
and I almost want to embrace
this more type of me,
but I can’t.
I don’t want to me in your mold
but I want to me in mine.
I wish you did not demand perfection
so that every one will know.
I simply want to be the me
that I know.
I simply want to be the me
that is the same age as my soul.
I simply want to be me.

So I will.
I will turn my life back around.
I will fight these aches off
while the inches run away
and the pounds disappear.
I will fight my unhealthy cravings,
struggle to do what is right
and smile while I sweat.
I will fight until I am exactly who I want to be.
I will fight until I am
the me I want to be.

Dear media,
Dear society,
my health, my body
has nothing to do with you.
My health, my body
is mine and I will fight for it
despite of you.
I will fight until I am
the me I want to be.

Patting myself on the back

encouragement

I just need to take a step back from poetic words with flowing verses to pat myself on the back. Today is the day of the month that I usually want to curl up and sleep for an eternity. I did not sleep though. I woke up and got ready for work. I then learned that my carpool buddies were not going into work. I could have went back and relaxed grabbing a cup of coffee from my new favorite cafe, but I did not. I went to work stopping by a fast coffee place that was already opened.

After work I could have stopped my day, but I did not I went to a creative meeting for my church instead. Now, that should be the end of the day right. It was not I then dragged myself to the gym, which was very hard to do. Still I did it; I went to the gym.

It is almost 10 pm now and I have been out of my house since 6:30 am. The end of my day is in site and I have happy that I pushed myself to go to the gym. I am happy that I am writing this post and I am really happy that I am pushing myself to do more than I thought I could.

If you take anything out of this post, if you learn anything from me, know that you can do more than you think. If I can push myself to do more, you can push yourself too.

 

I hope you enjoyed this post and please let me know what you think. Have a wonderful day and thank you for reading.

Flowing Thoughts of a Poetic Mind

writing

I’m going to let my thoughts flow out. I hope you do not mind the random ramblings of a lone dreamer, lost in her own heart. It was tightened up for so long that I grew to really miss it. I tried to feel it and share it but my heart was locked far away among the elastic bands of stress and worried. Chained behind what other people said and did around me.  My heart was bolted down to the walls of my consciousness, just beyond my reach, where I could not free it.

Yet I tried. I tried to express the stress that weighed me down. I tried to write about what was wrong, but I could not express. I could not find the words to shout that I had lost the thing I hold so dearly. The one thing that makes me myself was trapped and locked by the world around and I could not get to it.

It started rationally, yet quickly. I had to change my life, move to a new home. I had to unpack and be settled. Yet, settling did not happen. There was something that I forgot to take with me, some how in the busyness of life I forgot where my heart belonged. Still I knew it was around, until one day I did not. One day after weeks had passed I looked for myself, my heart and it was gone. My focus on work, and writings, and doings, and goings, and everything else that seemed so important had locked away my heart, my deepest being, until I was a stressed human with no true identity.

Funny how you can lose who you are so fast and hardly even notice. Something so valuable to us all is so easily lost, like a golden band worn on a finger or a diamond stud worn in your ear.

Thankfully I unlocked my heart and threw off the chains that held it away from me. Happiness and relief overwhelmed me, because I was me, I was whole and I am loved. You can not feel true love when your heart is chained down with stress and worries. So now with my heart freed I will dance and share the beauty that a freed heart sees.

The moral of the story is don’t lock your heart away with the stresses and worries of this world or you will lose something so beautiful, so magical and the one thing that makes you who you are. Let your heart be free at least a little each day.

I hope you enjoyed this and have a great day.

Oh and if you look at the categories you should be able to tell I have no idea what category this goes in. 

Dear past self

writing

No human can complete you,
You are complete,
even if you are a bit broken,
once you realize this you will be happier.

Some people won’t stay in your life
that doesn’t mean they didn’t love you
it simply means your paths have changed.
Still keep 3 types of people around you
those who build you up,
those who show you how to grow
and those who remind you of who you were.
At some point in your life you will be lucky;
you will feel complete
and have everyone you need.

Now life will be hard
and the path will be rough.
You’re dreams will seem far away,
but you have to keep going on.
Always look forward
and although you may like to look back
remember you are not the same as you were.
You are on a journey.
Your life is a journey that changes you.
So look back when you must
but try to look forward towards the bright future,
because even when the path seems dark
there is light around one of the corners.

Voice

writing

Why do I have a voice and where does it come from? Am I just a person going through the world, doing what I want and saying whatever comes to my mind? No, the answer has to be no. I am more than just a stranger with no message. I am more than a blank face in the crowd. I want to stand out in the seas of the world and declare I am not normal. I am not just a yapping dog trying to get scraps of attention. I am not simply a girl wanting to better myself.

So Why do I have a voice? Where does it come from? I  have a voice to shine love on everyone. I have a voice to encourage and show others that they can reach for the stars. They can do everything they want to, because they are breathing. I have a voice to share my story. And I have a voice to shout my love.

Where does it come from? My voice comes from being able to breathe, from being alive. It comes from God above who has taught me what true love is. My voice comes from the God who has given me breath and life.  It comes from the people around me who tell me that I do indeed have this voice and lifts me up to be all that I was meant to be. My voice comes from far deeper than I let on.

If there is a reason for my voice and I have things I want to say with it, and since it comes from the greatest being ever to live, than why don’t I use it? Why do I blend into the crowd of the world and act like a yapping dog begging for attention? Why do I not stand up and declare “You are loved! You can be all that you want to be!”

You will be seeing changes from me.