Left On The Bus (Journey To Me)

On this journey I must look at where I’ve been and the stories that shaped my life. I believe it is important to look in the rear view mirror every so often to see the path you are on a little more clearer. The first story I’m reflecting on while on this journey of self discovery happened when I was a child.

When I was 5 I would ride the bus to kindergarten. One day the bus driver dropped all the kids off at school, but did not check the seats. She left the school and parked the bus in her normal bus parking lot, but was in a rush. She had to take her grandson to the doctors or meet him at the hospital. Again she did not check the seats on the bus.

I stress this point, because little 5 year old me was asleep in one of the seats. At that time I could sleep anywhere and apparently through anything.

I snapped to consciousness in an empty bus parked in an unfamiliar location. I still remember the location. It was a packed dirt parking lot filled with buses somewhat close to the town’s blue water tower. It was almost a sky blue and looked like a mechanical ellipsoid.

After leaving the bus I made it to the road. I did not know where to go. I was only 5 and did not know where I was.

The only thing that I could do was sit on the curb and cry. I’m not sure how long after my tears started that a lady, in what I remember as, a brown boxy sedan pulled up. I only remember that she did and offered me a ride to the police station.

At first I did not want to go with this stranger, but she seemed nice and there were car seats in the back of her car. To 5 year old me that meant she was a mom and safe.

She did bring me to the police station.

I cannot tell you what questions were asked once I was there. I’m not sure many people could understand me well, since I had a speech impediment. That did not inhibit them in finding where I belonged.

Soon I was asked if I wanted to ride in the sergeant’s car or a cruiser. After they explained the difference I picked one. I honestly cannot remember which one I actually picked. I do remember that I didn’t really care. I just wanted to be somewhere familiar.

I was brought back to school where I believe my mom picked me up.

From that day on I have been a lighter sleeper, especially while in a moving vehicle.

I Can’t (a song)

You wonder and you ask me
Does your hope fly up in the sky?
Do you need your dreams to hide from reality?
Can you stop now from chasing your wants?

You see
I could give up and I could lie down.
I could turn away if you showed me how.
I would watch t.v. or read the whole night long
my time would be only all mine.

Yes,
I could give up and I could lie down
I could turn away if you showed me how
My nights would be free, my weekends filled with sleep.
And Alcohol, well it would be my best friend.

I really could give up and I could lie down
I could turn away. Please showed me how.
Life would be much easier, easier for me.
Easier to catch a breath, easier to do anything,
but that’s not me.
That cannot be me.
I am my dreams, not this reality.

I guess
I can’t give up and I can’t lie down.
I can’t turn away, I simply don’t know how.
I have to stand up and I have to fight.
Have to stay my path, that only seems right.

I will paint my thoughts and write what’s in my heart.
My time will belong to my dreams.

I can’t give up and I can’t lie down.
I can’t turn away, I simply don’t know how.
I have to stand up and I have to fight.
Have to stay my path, that only seems right.

My nights will be filled, my weekends hugged by hope.
And I will dance where my dream may go.

Because
I can’t give up and I can’t lie down.
I can’t turn away, I simply don’t know how.
I have to stand up and I have to fight.
Have to stay my path, that only seems right.

I don’t typically write songs as you may know, so getting a finished song done is tricky for me. I believe the words are almost there, which is why I’m sharing them with you. I am still working on the tune and notes. 

Please let me know what you think of it. Any and all feedback is welcomed.

 

Dreams and Goals (Journey To Me)

My dreams and goals seem crazy to me at time. They are so grand and lofty. They almost seem impossible. Yet, every time I attempt to downsize my dreams it does not work. Even if I am able to shrink them for a time, they will grow.

I want to say my dreams grow like weeds, but they are much more beautiful than your common weed. They are more like wild flowers, growing wherever and however they like, but doing so rather beautifully.

They are currently blossoming with the goal of supporting myself as an author and artist, who can then work on acting again. I want to be known for these three things. I can see myself achieving this and I am working towards these goals, that is why I call it a goal and not a dream. Dreams are just goals without a plan. I believe Dave Ramsey said something along those lines and I believe it is true.

My current dream includes marrying a musically talent actor and having 2 kids with him. I want to build a life with him. I dream of producing t.v. shows and acting in movies. I also want to be able to live off of 10% of my income and give the rest to God’s work and charities. I have no actual plans or steps in achieving any of these dreams. Perhaps one day when I am supporting myself as a author, artist, and actress, I will then be able to plan for my dreams.

I do want to mention that I don’t just want a lot of money, but I want to be able to make a big difference in the lives of others in a notable, positive way.

Where I am sitting right now these dreams and goals are large and scary, but they are mine. I am happy with always reaching for more, even though it is frustrating or a real struggle sometimes. I think I’ll stop trying to downsize my dreams, instead I’ll upgrade my work habits.

DreamWard Bound Again- September 2017 Recap

If you follow my instagram you’ll notice that I have been focusing this account on my artwork. I have been posting more frequently and honestly being more creative in general recently. This is because I’m back on the goals and dream wagon.

I fell off the dreams and goals wagon for a little while. It at least fells like a short period of time, but it appears to be about a year. I have been writing a book and I have painted during that time. I was mostly focus on the book and my visual art creations found themselves on a back burner for most of that year.

I have found a balance and I am focused on all my goals again. I woke up from a haze of partial laziness. I’m watching less television, and drawing and writing more.

I posted 10 different visual art pieces onto instagram in September. Although most are fast doodles I am proud of them. I am also happy that I was able to add that many to my account that hardly saw any use before September. The consistent practice of this past month is important and I am glad that I am continuing with it.

All art forms are like muscles, you have to use your talents in order to strengthen and improve them.

With the practice I have done of this past month I have learned a few lessons.

1.) Drawing with a blue or red pencil is fine for some people but not for me. If I start with color I will use all the colors that are appropriate for the picture.

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2.)When digitally drawing be aware of how much you zoom in. In the picture below there is suppose to be scales. I zoomed in too much and you hardly can see the scales.

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3.) If I plan out the words and take my time, I can make pretty cool lettering art work. –As a side note the picture below will be made into a t-shirt at some point. 

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4.)Color schemes are important and limiting yourself to a specific color scheme can be create an interesting picture, even if it doesn’t look like anything specific.

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5.)Experimenting with a new technique can be fun, but should be done in the correct medium or at least a medium you are familiar with. I do not typically paint landscapes in watercolors.

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6.)Practice a certain subject and playing with its shape can teach you about the subject. It will also help you hone in your skills.

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7.)Finding inspiration in other artists’ work and recreating one of their pieces can teach you about your style and skills.

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8.) Taking chances in painting can be rewarding and create paintings that you are proud of, even if they are not done yet.

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9.) Even doodles can teach you things. For example, they can show you that you like drawing simple characters or heads.

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10.) Simple characters do not mean similar characters or simple personalities.

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That is all the visual art pieces I created and the lessons they taught me for this past month. I am going to attempt to continue sharing my journey towards my dreams with you.

If you have any feedback or suggestions on anything relating to art work, please let me know. Feedback, questions and suggestions are welcomed and very much appreciated.

Now please, have a wonderful day.

Pen Poem

The twirling pen yearns.
It yearns to kiss the paper again;
like a cage bird who desires to fly free.
It sees the unstrung violin;
the beautiful instrument that can only sigh

Yes, instead of releasing it’s ink,
as it is meant to,
my pen twirls and whirls.
It dance through my fingers,
the same pattern repeats.
It yearns to kiss its beloved paper once more.
Yet it only spins,
like the unstrung violin,
its purpose is unfulfilled.

My Path (Journey To Me)

Sometimes I feel like I should have already started a more creative life. I want to be further along in my creative career. This makes me feel like my life is passing me by. I forget to look at all the great stories I now have to pull from. I ignore the fact that each year, month, week, and day have shaped me into the unique artist that I am.

It frustrates me to see where I want to go and not be there. It is also frustrating not having a clear path laid out before me. If feels like I’m in Californian traffic during rush hour and I’m not even sure if my gps/ plan is actually correct. Perhaps there is a better path for me, or at least better steps that I can be taking.

If you want to be a doctor there is a clear plan. You go to college, then med school. Then I believe there is an internship or residence. After that you are a full on doctor. You apply to jobs, go on interviews and get a job.

If you want to be a lawyer, you go to law school, take the bar exam, and apply to jobs. Then you are a lawyer.

Being a professional artist is a bit different. You can go to school, but you don’t have to. Some people apply to jobs or get freelance jobs, but other do not go that route. Some will work on finding commission jobs, others will not take commissions.

You basically do what fits you and your art the best, but it takes time to figure that out. Of course, more and more I believe a lot of life is just like that. You need to figure out what works best for you and your life.

Sometimes it’s learning from others that will help you down your path in life. Other times it’s trial and errors.

I think as long as you are moving towards your life goals, no matter how slow or sloppily, you are still going down your path and that is a good thing. This is one thing I need to remind myself when I think I’m going to slow or not seeing enough progress.

What Is Home?

poetry

Home is where the heart is
or is home where a heart is?
How do you know where a heart lives?
A home may be messy.
It may be clean.
Loud noises may prevail,
or a simple quiet hum.
The smell of cooking
paint or farm animals
live among the walls of a home.

So what is a home?
Memories are made within the wall
and pictures displays the heart’s love.
Styles along with dishware
are mixed and matched;
meaning hearts are mingling,
meaning that the home has lasted.
Loved is displayed
with knick-knacks
and photos of family
leaving lingering love in the air.

It’s Been Awhile.

It has been awhile since I posted an update. I don’t like that fact, but that is the way my life is at this moment.

I have been more focused now have many writing projects at different stages, work has been busy, and you can study God all your life and still have more to learn.

Things are coming along, though. I finished my second draft of Duality, my novel, and one chapter of its third draft. I also have all my notes and rough drafts of the other three projects printed out, so that I can hand-write the first drafts of them.  I also have a few visual art work pieces roughed out for my Poetic Art Poems. This project is a poetry collection with visual art that goes along with them.

Finally I have great news, for those that don’t follow my social media. I have published the second edition of Growing Poems. This is my first poetry book that I published. The first edition was on Lulu and that didn’t sell at all. I figured I would edit it, change up the cover, and try on a platform that people go to.

I’m excited for this new step and I am looking forward to the next ones. Hopefully the next steps will involve being able to post more blogs. Stay tune, at least two more are coming soon.

Back From South Africa and I’m DreamWard Bound

success

My trip to South Africa was amazing and eye opening. The speed of life was different, the entire way of life was different. The only technology I used personally was a ipod shuffle and a camera. The shuffle was only on the plane ride over there and maybe a car ride when we were leaving the Church’s compound/ area. Inside the Church that we stayed at was a electric kettle, but besides that, lights, and the electronics other people brought  there was not any other high tech things there. This alone created a great time of focus on God, the community, and each other.

The people there were also something different. They had so little, but were happy. True they would try to get as much as they could, but when you have nothing even a lollipop is a wonderful treasure. The community we were in was filled with such pain. Family members would either die, most of the time from AIDS, or leave to find work. This left grandmothers caring for grandchildren and the older kids helping to raise the younger ones.

I loved loving on them and helping them. We gave some huts food parcels and dried soup. We also gave out quilts, since in the winter it actually gets cold. Each day that we taught the kids they went home with something special. One day we even were able to give them each a new outfit. They were so happy about that. The girls showed off their new dresses and the boys were super happy to have new shorts and a new shirt. We also prayed with the people who came to our eye glass clinic, where they also got new reading glasses. One day we prayed with the kids during their lesson. It was great fun to see how much we helped, even though they need more help.

Again, I need to say how awesome this trip was. We went on a few adventures, but I already went into more detail than I was planning on going into. I am sure I will be writing short stories about each fun adventure or story that was created during the trip.

This post was going to be telling you all about my new goals and only referencing Africa as the catalyst to my new goals and views on them. First big change is I went through and took out the goals that were just stressing me out. They were like the stale bread on my plate that I thought I needed to eat.

The first goal that I slid off my plate was my website. Once I have time I will come back and redo everything. For now it is up and running. It needs improving and if I have free time I may play around with it, but it is not a goal. Plus, it wasn’t really a working goal any ways. I was just poking at it and thinking I needed to work harder on it. It became a littler stress note.

The major thing I am taking off my plate is acting. It’s hard to do so and I love it, but my life right now can’t actually fit it on my plate. I am hoping that once I figure out how to free up my time I will reinstate this dream. At this moment I can’t try to act and write and work a full time job with at least 45 minutes of commute time. I mean I was trying to find monologues still and watch little lessons or tips when I could, but hadn’t been practicing, since right now my heart is focused on my writing projects.

I also tweaked my other goals and made them more do-able. My main focus will be on Godly studies and writing. I may write about my new goals, but for now the big changes to my life has been covered. Plus this is getting long and I do like keeping my updates on the shorter side.