Here (A Poem)

poetry

Here are the chains
I clasp on to my wrists.
Here is the weight
I tie to my heart.
Here is the knife
I slowly stab into my soul.
Here is the prison
I hide myself in.

I cannot unchain myself
from the chains I claimed.
I cannot untie or cute the rope
that holds down the weight on my heart.
I cannot heal the hurt
from the knife in my soul.
I cannot unlock my prison
that I once locked myself in.

So, I give you my chains,
please undo their locks.
I give you the weight,
please cut their ropes.
I give you the knife
please heal my wounds.
And I give you my prison,
please turn it into a home.
Yes, I give you my everything,
please make me whole.

My Bad Morning (a Short Story)

writing

This is based on a true story.

I woke up today, not wanting to get out of bed. It was nothing big. I just did not want to go to work. I wanted the weekend to come a day early.

I did wake up and I did get out of bed. I got ready and decided to take part in my work’s fancy Friday. You see when you work in a company of hackers, who also have nerd tendencies, casual dress is more common than not. Most days people dress in jeans and t-shirts, but not on Friday. Friday people dress up. There is one person who appreciates fancy Fridays the most and who I believe started the tradition. It was this person’s birthday, so I thought it would be nice and cool if I dressed up. I found my dress pants and my favorite button up shirt. I did my makeup and hair. I then put my heels on and went out the door.

I got a late from my favorite cafe. My day had a later than normal start, but it was going fine. It wasn’t until I got on the highway that everything stopped being fine. I heard a load noise as if my car was drive on something. I asked myself if something could be stuck under my car. I almost didn’t pull over, but decided it would be best. I got off the highway and the sound changed a bit to more of a thud-thud sound as if my tire was flat. I thought it strange since when I was on the highway it was just really loud. I pulled into a grocery stores parking lot and got out of my car. My tire was completely blown, with holes all of it.

It was still okay. I was going to change a tire. How hard could it be? I thought I had it all under control. I started with taking the spare tire out. This should be the easiest part right? I just needed to undo the bolt and slide it out from under my car. It sounds simple, but when you are dressed up, determined to stay clean and need to pull something out from under your car things get difficult. On top of staying clean I did not want to get my clothes wet, because it had rained the night before and as soon as I started to try to get the spare tire out it started to sprinkle. I wound up doing yoga positions and weird poses just to figure out what I could do to get the tire out from under my car. Finally after a fight and a struggle I freed the dirty rescue tire from its cage.

Now, it was time to get the jack in place. Again, this should be easy, right? Don’t you just put it under you car and crank it up? Apparently the answer to both those questions was ‘no.’ After the wheel did not move, but the car frame moved I decided to look at my manual. It was inside in my glove compartment.

I went the front of my car and saw my delicious latte sitting abandoned. I thought it best to show it some love by taking a sip. It thought it best to spill all over my car. Thankfully I did not get burned, because it was lukewarm by now. Yes, I got to enjoy one, maybe two sips of hot coffee before my tire blew and now the fight over the spare tire caused my coffee to be lukewarm.

I sighed a heavy sigh and started to flip through the manual to figure out what to do with the jack. It had now started to full-out rain. Once I thought I had everything in control people started to ask my if I needed help. I was too proud and too confident to let them. I was going to finish this task. I could do it. I know I am a woman who is looking fancy, but I can do it. I can change a tire. I didn’t need any help.

I did get the jack in place and the tire ready to be taken off. I now just needed to get the nuts off. In the movies they make it seem pretty easy. Plus, this is harder than it should have been already, so now the easy part should happen. I am almost done. I just need to get the tire off.

Well, after a few minutes of trying to getting them off with increasing force a nice older man came over to should me a trick. He got on the wrench thing and jumped. Yes, I called it a wrench thing. I do not know the right name for the tool that came in the back with the jack. Also, yes, he did stand, full weight on the thing and jumped. I thought awesome I know how to do it now. I thanked him thinking that was all I needed. I just needed a tip from a stranger. He accepted the gratitude and went on his way. So, in my heels I started to hop with both feet on the wrench thing. Nothing happened. I had a thought of, “hey, I’m light.” This thought was followed by, “Oh my goodness, I am so weak I can’t even get this nut to loosen.” Thankfully after a minute of hopping on the wrench thing another man came and helped me. He told me to lower the jack and loosened the nuts for me.

After I finished taking the nuts off the wheel was easy to get off. I was almost done. I just needed to get the spare tire on and then drive  less than a mile to the tire store. By now though I knew that stupid tire wasn’t going to be easy. I just picked it up and waited until find the issue. It was aligning the holes with the bolts. I felt like I was trying to line up an ancient key with its keyhole. It took longer than it should have. Of course, the entire process took longer than it should have. Finally, after one more person asked to help me, which I refused on the fact that it was only the spare tire now, I was able to get it on.


I got up with my outfit still clean and was meant with one more nice person. It was really surprising to me how many people actually wanted to help me. I told the guy I was done, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt for him to check to make sure they were tight enough. He did and was able to tighten them a bit more.

I was now off to the tire store, where I was told that all four actually needed to be replaced. While they were pricing the tires I cleaned my hands and arms, which were the only things to get dirty. I then went and decided that I never wanted to change a tire again, so got all four new tires in hopes that it would at least postpone the tire changing nightmare.

I waited an hour in the waiting room before I was able to go to work. I got to work and after an hour I went to get a snack. I made myself peanut butter on toast. I was still proud of myself and happy that I did not get any dirt on my clothes. I tell you this because after I finished with my snack I looked down and saw that some peanut butter had dropped on my shirt along with my pants. I just had to laugh that I can change a tire while staying clean, but can not eat and stay clean.

I hope you enjoyed reading about my morning. I know I will one day when I am not frustrated with how long it took. 

DreamWard Bound (Written on September 13, 2014)

success

I am sitting in my favorite cafe that is just down the road from my home with a hat, striped t-shirt and shorts on feeling like a real artist or at the very least a creative person with a great life. It is interesting since that is not how I woke up. I woke up with the annoying question of, “why?” Why am I even trying to lose weight? Why am do I wrote and force writing upon myself? I also did not want to do any of it. I did not see the benefits of going to the gym when I was not meeting my goal. This morning really was all about the gym. I wanted to be lazy, so I was for a bit, but then I went. I worked out for an hour, pushing myself to burn more calories. Now I feel better and got to relearn a lesson: If you push towards your goals not matter what the outcome is you will be happier than you would if you did not. Also you can’t blame or put yourself down if you try your best.

That was this morning thoughts, but let us get to what I did this week. Since I set up new goals and revised older goals last week this week was really focused on figuring out how to meet them. I found a good reading plan to read through the Bible in a year. I tried really hard to diet and work out almost everyday, which did not really work because I was not tracking what I was eating and I think I ate too little and still worked out. I also tried to be more organized with my time, which was hard since I am changing job positions at my work. I was not as productive with my poetry writing as I would  have liked, but at least I wrote from the heart. Another thing I did was edit my poetry reading of Your Efforts and posted on to my YouTube channel. It was not my best video but at least I did it.

I also have an idea for my  YouTube channel to change all the thumb nails. I want what the audience sees to look professional and informative, not just screen shots of the video or random pictures. That is a thought for the future though.

Now that my rant is over here is the list of what I did this week.

Your Efforts (A Poetry Reading) {video}

Thank You (A Poem)

One More (A Poem)

What To Do? (A Poem)

The Me I Want To Be (A Poem)

 

The Me I Want To Be (a poem)

poetry

 I have put off writing this poem. I haven’t really wanted to truly face my ideas of loosing weight and why I want to get healthier. I also feel like I don’t have to share my reasons behind wanting to lose weight. Yet, this poem keeps bugging me, so I will write it if only to get it out of my head,

I hope you enjoy this poem.

Dear media,
Dear society,
I see the type of woman you ask for
I see your demands.
Media please know
I do not believe in your ideals
Dear society
I do not want your either.
I simply want to be me.

Yet the me in the mirror
does not match the me in my soul.
I do not know the woman
staring back at me.
I do not know the body
that I am in.
I am too young
for these ache.
My heart has more energy
than my body can take.
I yearn to do more
and be more
but how can I
when there is still more
more inches around my body
more acne on my face
and more aches in my knees.

I see you media
I see you society
and I almost want to embrace
this more type of me,
but I can’t.
I don’t want to me in your mold
but I want to me in mine.
I wish you did not demand perfection
so that every one will know.
I simply want to be the me
that I know.
I simply want to be the me
that is the same age as my soul.
I simply want to be me.

So I will.
I will turn my life back around.
I will fight these aches off
while the inches run away
and the pounds disappear.
I will fight my unhealthy cravings,
struggle to do what is right
and smile while I sweat.
I will fight until I am exactly who I want to be.
I will fight until I am
the me I want to be.

Dear media,
Dear society,
my health, my body
has nothing to do with you.
My health, my body
is mine and I will fight for it
despite of you.
I will fight until I am
the me I want to be.

DreamWard Bound (July 2 to the 9th)

success

This week again was focused on my move and settling in. I was able to find time to write and post a couple of poems and found an extra poetry reading that I edited together and posted on YouTube. I believe I am mostly unpacked and settled, so my life should get back to normal. Of course I now have to redefine my normal since it’s been almost 8 months since I’ve been unpacked, in my own space and had a desk to work at. I’m foreseeing more productivity, which I am happy about.

I also feel like I can focus on more of my goals that I had outlined in a much earlier post. I have the publish one post and one video a week down, which was my first goal. I also added to the posts and am now trying to publish one poem a day, so seven poems a week. I am still working on getting that down, especially since I went on vacation, then moved.

One of the two goals that I am adding on is getting my weight down to 150 pounds in 15 weeks, so almost 4 months. If I do I will give myself $60 to spoil myself with, most likely a massage. If  I don’t I will give that $60 to someone else. I am planning on joining a gym that is near my new home, so hopefully that will help. It should also help that the guys at my work are getting in shape or working out, also.

The second goal that I’m going to focus on is my novel. I was thinking that I would just wait until my six months of publishing posts and videos goal was met and then really focus on my novel again. However, now that I have my own desk and space to actually edit and take notes I am thinking I can work on it now. This way when my six month goal is met it can really be a weekend with no responsibilities.

All this means that you will be hearing more about exercise and editing. These are two things I have been putting off since they are not my favorite things to do. I mean I love writing and being creative. I really love to act and be immersed in poetry. I love being creative and bettering my life. These things I like doing, but there is the work side that comes from bettering your life and being creative. In order to better your life when it comes to being an artist you need to be healthy, grow in your creativity and edit your work in order for them to be exactly what you want them to be.  This means I will actually have to do the work side of things more and you will be hearing about it.

I think that is enough babble for today. Here is the list of the few things I did this week. Click the links, reading/ watch and let m know what you think. Also thank you for reading this and any post you read. I really am grateful for any and all your support.

Never repeat (a YouTube video)

Writing process

Fantasies

Yes, it is really short.