Realization

by tiffanyrandom ramblingsPosted on No Comments

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I’m realizing I want to be an actor, but I cannot not be an author. I will write even if no one reads. I will create stories even if a pen and paper are not near. Characters come into my mind and I see stories without trying. The only real hard part with writing is getting everything written so that others can understand the things I find beautiful.

That is why this year I will be focusing on my writing. I will still try to post videos, but acting and media will be on the C/ last tier of goals. Writing either this blogs or my novel will be A/ first tier and the most important goals this year.

I want to get this draft done and polish my novel up to get editors or friends to give me their input. Plus, the deadline for this draft that I set for myself is fast approaching.

As it stands now God and my family (both blood and tribe) are the two most important things.  I’m going to be trying to find different more effective ways to connect with them this year and build stronger relationships. I haven’t written that down all nicely, though.

Next will be my Novel, which means I may not get all five posts published every week. I will try hard to do that, but my main focus will be the whole reason why I write as much as I do. I want to get better and get a book I wrote into readers hands. I don’t care about having a publisher’s stamp of approval now. I just want people to read my stuff.

And I would love people to read my book. I love the story and characters. I just hope the people who will read the book, well books (it is a series), will love them just as much. I mean I see them so clearly and the story is so real to me, but I’m still making it readable and well written.

Well, that was a bit of a ramble.  Basically what I’m saying is I will be writing more and acting less. Acting will go on the back burner until I finish editing my book. I need to focus on one dream/ goal at a time.

DreamWard Bound After an Absence

by tiffanyDreamward boundPosted on No Comments

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I have not posted in a while. It has been about 2 weeks. One week I was on vacation and the next I was sick. I went to work, since each day I thought I was getting better only to realize by the end that I was exhausted. I had no energy to work on this blog, write, or  do anything really. I am still fighting my lack of motivation and this cold, but I know I need to just start writing again.  I need to get back on the DreamWard bound road, so this is me trying.

After the vacation and new year I am wondering if I actually have the same dreams and plans I did in the beginning of last year. I keep asking myself what do I really want and what really is possible. I am sure when I answer all my questions there will be another post about that. I need to figure out the answers first and seeing how it’s taking me all day just to write this post it may be awhile before I can really answer what is next for my creative life.

Right now, I just know that I need to get back in the rhythm of my life that was before vacation and sickness. I also need this cold to fully go away, so that I can get back to training and actually start Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu classes.

I will be posting all the things I wrote on my flights and during my vacation this coming week. One of the posts will be a start to a series that I hope will be more interactive, but  I will explain all about that later.

Since, I did not write or post anything this last week I will simply end this post. I hope you enjoyed this post which felt more like rambling than a DreamWard Bound Post.

Starting Evaluation for BJJ

by tiffanyBrazilian Jiu-jitsu writings, other updates, random ramblingsPosted on No Comments

220px-BJJ_White_Belt.svg

I have read 3 books on Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (BJJ) in the past week or so. They were all aimed towards white belts and were all introductions to the sport.  In every book they talked about how much they learned and changed, while being a white belt.

I have decided to do a self-evaluation for each belt. I am starting this before I even have my gi (the sport’s uniform). I have had two classes and fell in love with this sport, which is a first. Besides dance I have not found any physical activity that I would think of doing on a regular basis.

There is just something about going into a class knowing nothing, jumping in and finding that everyone in the class is willing and able to help everyone else learn. It is a team of sorts, only the teammates are trying to test their other teammates joints, strength, and abilities.

Now, here is where I am starting. I am 180 lbs, with a little stomach and I would say on the border of hourglass and full figure. At least that is how I see myself. I will be taking a picture to compare new white belt self with my blue belt self once I actually have my gi.

I started BJJ for self-defense and as a workout. I nearly passed out the first class I took, which made me realize I do need to have a group workout because I do not push myself when it is just myself.

After my first class I came back because of the community, new art form, new way of moving my body, and found a new journey that will last my entire life. I am excited for this journey as I am sure you can tell if you read my other posts. I will leave a list of the different writing I have written, so far on BJJ.

I am just starting out but I have learned a few things. The most important thing I feel I have learned is the fact that I can do BJJ. I have also learned what to look for in a gi, of course that was mostly online research and not in a class. Still I did learn how to shop for a gi. Another thing I learned in BJJ is that fighting and fighting sports does not mean injury. Actually if you are training you don’t want injury either to yourself or your partner. Finally I learned that BJJ is a community and team sport that focuses on everyone improving techniques and welcoming any one will to learn in.

That is what I have learned so far. I am sure I will be learning more and more as the weeks and months go on. Now here is what I have written so far about BJJ.

Start of a Journey.

Pain So Good (A Poem)

Rush (A Poem)

Crush

by tiffanyrandom ramblingsPosted on No Comments

writing

I do have a crush. It is a crush with the knowledge that the name of it is coming. Like an attack on my heart temporarily wounding my soul.

If there were real dating leagues he would be one higher than mine. If you write him on paper he would be the perfect of husband material. I could ignore the league and rip the paper. Yet, I cannot ignore the melting of my heart when he smiles.

I want to be safe in his arms, nuzzling close to his heart. I want to invite him into my world to see the serious turn silly, which I’ve seen glimpses of. I want to join his world and learn how strength feels.

I would invite him, let him know that my heart skips a beat when I see him; tell him that his smile melts my heart. I would tell him anything and everything, except my insecurities creep up. The voice I promised myself I would ignore shouts that he is on a pedestal to high for me to get. The voice of my insecurities and fear yells that I am not worth his love and I think him so grand that I believe it. I won’t let him decide how he feels. I will wait until I can’t take the waiting, worrying and fame of what ifs, become more than I can bear. One I am convinced one way or the other I will buckle down and confess in a way that does really give him a real choice. That is when my heart will be crushed and my feelings will bleed with salt water from my eyes.

Yes,  my heart will be crushed or maybe there is another way. Perhaps this time will be different. I don’t know how to flirt or read subtle signs, but I can be bold. I can ask for advice.  I can request help in understanding my real options. There is a way to be open in the middle of my fear.

I will try this time and if my heart is crushed than my friends can help me glue it back together. Yes, I will go into battle to fill my heart’s desire with a medical kit if it breaks.

A Late DreamWard Bound

by tiffanyDreamward boundPosted on No Comments

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Today was a crazy day for me. I had very little down time, once I got out of bed. I cannot complain too much though, I started my day by running on the beach. I then went to my favorite cafe, The Windmill, and had a delicious breakfast with my roommate. We then went Christmas shopping before I dropped her off at our friend’s cook-out.  After I stopped in and said hello I went to back Christmas cookies with other friends. That was fun, loud, and enough socialization for me. I came home, made myself a dinner of rice and now I finally can write my weekly DreamWard Bound post.

I have been really focused on BJJ this week. Well, BJJ and Christmas stuff. I am going home this coming week, so need to have every Christmas thing done before then. I believe I finished my Christmas shopping today, but knowing me I will get home and realize that I forgot someone.

I did write a little and prepared a monologue to do. I actually have a few videos in my mind that I want to do, but haven’t had time. I am realizing that videos or acting is the first thing that goes in the later bucket, since they take a while to do. You see I have to do my hair and makeup before setting up my camera and making sure the light is right. I then do each video at least twice, but it is closer to five or ten times. Basically I need at least a solid hour to make one video. That is partly why I try to do more than one every time I record myself. I figure my hair and make up is already done along with the lighting and camera set up, so I try to do multiple.

Now that you know my excuses of why I did not do much this week here is the list I did do.

My Bad Morning (Short Story)

The Storm Outside (Poem)

Starting A Journey (random ramblings)

Pain So Good (Poem)

Starting a journey

by tiffanyBrazilian Jiu-jitsu writings, other updates, random ramblingsPosted on 2 Comments

writingI started a journey last week, maybe you noticed. It is a life long quest to be my best. It will be a struggle see how this makes sense, showing some one or at least me something similar to growth. It is a journey that I have embarked as surprise to myself. This surprised journey, the sudden change in my seeing things is a surreal change in my path.

You see this new journey and sudden changed, changed more than a day like I thought it would. The first step was not really the true beginning. I thought it would be stepping into the hot sweaty gym, but no. The true beginning was asking the simple question, “Can I?” When the answer was yes, I was given a chance to step into the steam filled, rectangular room that was filled with blue and green mats.

My first class lasted all week within my muscles as an excited reminder that I did something impossible. What was that impossible thing I did, you may ask. I put down myself as I took off my shoes and learned my strength. I learned a new love. It is an impossible love that I told myself I would never find. It is the love of something that pushes you to the brink of your limits, but leaves you wanting more. It is a love that build you up, shows you the strength within you and tells you everything can be learned from. It is a love of Brazilian jiu jitsu and yes after only one class I was in love. After two classes I confident enough in this new journey to write about it.

You will hear more about my training and journey. This is only the start.

 

Pain so good (A Poem)

by tiffanyBrazilian Jiu-jitsu writings, PoetryPosted on No Comments

poetry

 

This pain
is so freeing.
This ache
is very much relaxing.
Let this flame
keep burning,
this fire
never die.

The pain pushes me.
The ache shows I am alive
The fire,
oh the fire
it keeps me from looking back
from slowing down
because if I stop
the warming fire may die out
cool my heart until it is ice.

So let the pain hurt
the ache be uncomfortable
and the fire burn on.

DreamWard Bound (Or The Fight Found Within Me)

by tiffanyDreamward boundPosted on No Comments

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This was a good week. I may have not made a lot of head way with my goals and did not post five creative posts, but I did make a break through. A switch occurred in my mind this week. I did not realize it until I was at the gym today. I found the reason for why I want to work so hard to get to a different life. I learned something that seems at least deep to myself about myself.

The reason why I push myself and why I am dreamward bound is because I am fighting the little nagging voice inside me. The whisper in the back of my head that is saying, “You can’t. You are not smart enough. You are not good enough. You are not strong enough. You don’t really have talent.”

I also realized this week that this is the same voice that whispered to me through out my life. It whispered that I could not be a real artist, and I listened. It told me that I would easily blend into the background, so I let myself. This whispering voice told me that I was not good enough for all my dreams and I believed it.

Well, I started this blog and started to quiet that voice. I didn’t realize it at the time, but with every painting, every post, and every video I slowly started to not believe the part of me that said I couldn’t. Little by little I realized I am an artist and I am who I am. I also realized that I can do anything I want, because it may be hard but everything worthy of having takes something.

This week I realized that I stopped believing in the “no’s” my mind was whispering to me and started to prove them wrong.

The “I’m not smart enough” has turned into, “I will train my mind until I am.”

The “I am not creative enough,” has turned into a laugh, a smile and me telling myself, “Oh, yeah, sure. Watch this.”

The “I can’t”  has turned into “Watch me.”

Finally, the “I’m not strong enough,” whisper that has haunted me for so long has turned into, “Shut up, I’ll be strong enough.”

Basically, I am not going to live by the negative voice in my mind any more. I am done putting myself down because I try to lift everyone else up. I can see the amazing possibilities in everyone else up. Why shouldn’t I see that in myself?

All this said, I am hoping that you will see a different side of me. One with more energy and more conviction. I know that my main fight is not getting paid for my art, but being satisfied with it and using each piece to be better than the one before it. My fight now won’t be against the world, people, or status. It will be against myself from yesterday.

Basically I am taking one of my tips from my goal getter’s channel and applying it with super energy. I am going to focus on my behavior and actions, not the world.

Now that I got all that out, here is all the things I posted this week.

All The Steps To Achieving Your Goal (video from last Saturday)

Here I Stand (Video)

Travelling Bagel (micro Fiction)

Rush (Poem)

Can’t Hold Me Down (Poem)

Control of My Brain (Creative Ramblings)

 

DreamWard Bound for the week of Thanksgiving 2014

by tiffanyDreamward boundPosted on No Comments

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After I wrote my last DreamWard Bound I thought this week would be super productive. I filmed two short videos. One video was an original monologue and the other was all the steps for achieving goals. I even edited my novel a bit. Of course when Monday came I felt drained from a headache and did not get to editing the videos. Wednesday was my free day, so I told myself I would edit them Wednesday. I forgot about shopping for Thanksgiving things and I also really wanted to go to the gym. After everything was done I thought, “it’ll be okay. I do more tomorrow, before Thanksgiving dinner. I mean I should be able to find time in the day to cook what I needed to and edit a video or write more, right?”

Thanksgiving came and it was an amazing day. I loved all the togetherness and love that was going around in the kitchen. I helped my friends prepare a great meal and we hung out a lot. However, by the end of the night I was done. I went straight to bed, telling myself that I had no plans for Black Friday. That would be the day that I came up with time to edit those videos and get ahead of my writing. I would even try to edit my novel, before going over my friends’ house to cat-sit for them.

I had all day on Friday, so there was no rush. I relaxed and went to the gym. I then did some Christmas shopping online, did the dishes, did a load of laundry. After all that was done I went to my D&D game night, well game time. We started at 4:30 so that we could be done by the time my friend had to go to the airport. Still I thought that I would right after I drove him and his wife to the airport,  or at least get those two videos edited. I even had one video up and ready to be edited.  I was done with any idea of being productive by the time I got back from dropping them off.

Needless to say, I am feeling pretty unproductive today as I write this post. I mean I did write some things and have those two videos that I will be editing after this. They did not disappear, so I can still do it. Still, I wanted to do more this week since I had two days off of work. A little part of me is glad that I did not do all the work I wanted to do, because I am now feeling more rested and ready to do more.

So, here is the list of things I wrote this week.

Prayer (from my SaltyLight blog)

Bubbling up (a Poem)

This Was Written By A Bagel (short story)

Goal Getters Channel (a write-up )

Yup, small list this week.