Can you?
Do you?
Will you?
because I can’t.
I won’t.
I won’t be the first to say,
no not even now.
I can’t tell you,
so will you?
I believe you know how.
Do you want to?
Do you know how?
If you do,
please let me know.
I know I’m vague
I know I’m saying nothing
that’s why you have to,
so will you?
Please, tell me
what I want to hear.
Can you?
Do you?
Will you?
because I can’t.
I won’t.
I want to take a minute to be real. I want this blog to be an honest portrayal of my journey to reaching all my major goals and all the little ones to get there.
Now I have big dreams that are far away and hard to reach for. Sometimes I don’t believe I will ever get there, other times I am so sure that it is a matter of time. Still either way I am thinking I fight on and this week was a fight. I did not want to do anything; I did not want to live the life I am living. Also, all week I felt and well still feel like something is going to change. Something is going to happen in my life, mostly because of the feelings of I can’t continue on the path I am on.
Even with feeling this fight inside of me (the fight for my future) I pushed on. I decided that the one channel on YouTube is not enough, mostly because I am crazy. I was stressed with the load I had, so let’s throw more work on it. Still I think this will help people, because even though I am still on the journey towards my goals and dreams I know there are other people who haven’t even started yet.
Also, even though I did not want to do anything and I seriously was fighting just to be myself, I went to the gym three times (four times if you include today in the week). This is because of my goal to lose weight. I am realizing though I will need to do more than going to the gym four times a week. My goal is to lose 30 lbs and so I have not lost anything in these two weeks, so that is discouraging. I’m still going to push myself and work out.
I am still trying and working towards my dreams, even though it is hard. I am on the road to my dreams, even though they are far. I am pushing forward, even though I do not want to. I wish I could stop some times, but that is not in me. I need to stay on this road and fight for my dreams, because I am done just going with the flow of life and finally am living for all that I can be. It is a hard thing and it I feel like I am swimming up-stream I would gladly swim again the current because it will make every success that much better. Each goal that is this hard to reach will be so worth it.
Struggle makes your goals worth the fight.
Things I fought to create this week.
Sped up logo Painting (YouTube)
A week or two (maybe three), you may have noticed a change to my blog. I changed the theme and added a logo/ painting to the top of the site. This same painting is on my YouTube channel, Twitter profile, and Facebook page as backgrounds.
This painting was a fun one to do because the only rule I gave myself was that it had to represent me in some way. I used my favorite color combination, which is blue and yellow. I tried to add in something other ones, but it the end it was blue and yellow that lasted. I also made sure to throw in some wave looking things at the end, since I love the water so much.
I recorded myself painting this video and sped it up. Then I added The Beetle’s song From Me To You. So take a minute or two to watch this painting that is a little part of myself that I give to you.
Thank you for reading, watching, and generally supporting me. Please let me know what you think.
On YouTube, I do have a playlist dedicated to sped up paintings. I also have a section on this site where I share my visual arts portfolio along with my painting portfolio.
Shh, don’t tell me
these feelings are inside.
I do wonder if you can see
this thing that I almost try to hide.
You have to know
why I’m not shouting it.
I don’t know how this feeling will grow
and I may be shy a bit.
I thought this would be a longer poem, but it’s not. I said what I needed to and hope you enjoy it.
No human can complete you,
You are complete,
even if you are a bit broken,
once you realize this you will be happier.
Some people won’t stay in your life
that doesn’t mean they didn’t love you
it simply means your paths have changed.
Still keep 3 types of people around you
those who build you up,
those who show you how to grow
and those who remind you of who you were.
At some point in your life you will be lucky;
you will feel complete
and have everyone you need.
Now life will be hard
and the path will be rough.
You’re dreams will seem far away,
but you have to keep going on.
Always look forward
and although you may like to look back
remember you are not the same as you were.
You are on a journey.
Your life is a journey that changes you.
So look back when you must
but try to look forward towards the bright future,
because even when the path seems dark
there is light around one of the corners.
Why do I have a voice and where does it come from? Am I just a person going through the world, doing what I want and saying whatever comes to my mind? No, the answer has to be no. I am more than just a stranger with no message. I am more than a blank face in the crowd. I want to stand out in the seas of the world and declare I am not normal. I am not just a yapping dog trying to get scraps of attention. I am not simply a girl wanting to better myself.
So Why do I have a voice? Where does it come from? I have a voice to shine love on everyone. I have a voice to encourage and show others that they can reach for the stars. They can do everything they want to, because they are breathing. I have a voice to share my story. And I have a voice to shout my love.
Where does it come from? My voice comes from being able to breathe, from being alive. It comes from God above who has taught me what true love is. My voice comes from the God who has given me breath and life. It comes from the people around me who tell me that I do indeed have this voice and lifts me up to be all that I was meant to be. My voice comes from far deeper than I let on.
If there is a reason for my voice and I have things I want to say with it, and since it comes from the greatest being ever to live, than why don’t I use it? Why do I blend into the crowd of the world and act like a yapping dog begging for attention? Why do I not stand up and declare “You are loved! You can be all that you want to be!”
You will be seeing changes from me.
I can see what people search for when they find my blog, or what they search for to find my blog. Today I saw a very cool sentence that I am sure is from something, but I’m not sure what it is from. I am going to use it as a writing prompt for this post. The quote is. “you can only narrate my past but you can never write my future.”
I hope you enjoy.
You can narrate my past.
Please do,
and tell me all the things I went through.
Speak the words that you believe
the words that will add up to my story.
How do you see my life?
How will you narrate my past?
I ask you to narrate my past,
but you can never write my future.
I myself can only plan the unseen.
I do not write my story,
so you cannot either.
Let the future be
and tell me all about what has been.
Yes, You can narrate my past
but you can never write my future.
You can tell me my story,
but will not be able to force the unseen.
I’m feeling good with how my week turned out. I wrote poems and posted videos this week. I also joined a gym that is near my house today. Things seem to be going well for me as I sit and write this blog. I mean I was a bit drained and stressed from work along with everything else by Friday, but playing Pathfinder with my friends helped that. I was able to relax and be a bit crazy. It amazes me sometimes how much laughter can help wash the week’s stress away.
I am super excited about the ideas for this coming week and the fact that I will really be starting on my fitness goal. I also have a few poems brewing in my mind that are asking to be shared with you. I will share the new poems with you unless there are explosions around me, which I do not foresee happening.
Yes, I am in a weirder mood as I update you on this week and a bit all over the place. I may not be stressed from the week anymore, but that does not mean that I am not thinking about everything going on whether it is something random or otherwise. I have many plans and many ideas floating around in my mind. I am still not sure how to do everything I want to do, but I at least know what I can do for the time being.
I should write more and tell you more about my week. I am being a space shot though and so very easily distracted that I will just leave you with a list of things I did this week. At other points in the week I will write more about my journey and life.
Writings:
Monody
A monody is a poem in which one person laments another’s death, as in Tennyson’s Break, Break, Break, or Wordsworth’s She Dwelt Among the Untrodden Ways. (Also see Dirge, Elegy, Epitaph)
I have put this one off for a while. Honestly, I’ve put all the structure poems off for a few weeks, now. With Robin Williams’ passing I thought I would write one to honor him. He was one of my favorite actors and I know I am not alone.
Laughter and Smiles
Fill the room
when your voice fills the air
Now only recorded
now only memories.
There are so many memories
of stand up
of comedy
and of moments meant to move.
With a voice meant to change
with every character
with every scene.
You were a light
you were comedy
you were a hug in a movie form
a smile when I needed one.
You touch my heart
and lightened my soul.
Now a legend
Now I hope you find your bliss.
Lay in rest
be at peace
and know you are missed.
Why
Is my heart breaking;
Can I not see the light?
Why
have I lost hope;
Can I not feel the love?
Where is this lost feeling,
this void of hope;
where is this twisted feeling coming from?
Did I not laugh today,
was that a dream?
Did the sun not shine today
and did I not wake again?
Why
is my heart breaking;
is my mood so low?
Why
have I lost my hope
Do I not know which way to go?
Has my path darkened?
Have I lost my way?
Can you tell me?
I need to know.
Did I not see a baby smile
or hear my friends’ laughter?
Was there no jokes today
and did I not enjoy work?
Did the sun not shine today
and I not wake again?
Why
is my heart breaking;
do I feel alone?
Why
have I lost my hope;
can I not figure out?
Where can I find the hole that is inside
What fell out
How do I get it back in?
I guess it is simply one of those nights
after a wonderful day
when the night is darker
and my eyes are heavier.
I guess it is simply one of those nights
when I ask why
knowing the next dawn will be brighter.
This poem was written Wednesday night, after I hung out with a few friends and had a generally good day. I was happy most of it and then on the car ride home I started to think. My mind went off on its own and I wound up feeling a bit depressed by the time I pulled into my driveway. I decided to write as an outlet and to figure out where the feelings were coming from. By the end of the poem I realized it was just me being tired and thinking about everything I have to do.
It is simply one of those nights where I need to go to bed and know everything will be better in the morning.
I hope you enjoyed reading and let me know what you think. Also if you need help, advice, or just someone to talk to, please let me know. I am always willing to help and listen.