I've been in battle with the word all my life. The hard distant pews were too hard of seats for me. It meant too much then too little. I saw the rules as chains so it's funny that when my soul breathed church is where those chains were broken and I was truly set free.
If you would like to read more of my poetry please take a look at my portfolio. You can also watch a few of my poetry readings.
God, where are you when the world seems dark? Lord, where are you when I've lost my way? Savior, where are you when I feel alone? My King, where are you when your throne seems far away? Father Above, where are you when my heart breaks and turns numb? Father Above, My King, Savior, Lord, and God where are you in this day? God, you are the light of a new day. Lord, you are the dim lamp that lights my way. Savior, you are the one holding me up. My King, you are by my side. Father Above, you are hugging me tight. Father Above, My King, Savior, Lord, and God you are with me making day from my night.
Typically, I publish my poetry towards the end of the month not in the middle of it. However, I really loved how Where Are You came out and couldn’t wait to share this poem with the world.
Sometimes you can’t see God and feel alone. However, He is always there. Most of the time you just have to look for Him. Know He loves you and He is with you.
If you would like to read more of my poetry please take a look at my portfolio. You can also watch a few of my poetry readings.
My true Christian life started on the cliffs in California.
I had moved to California with four friends after I graduated from college. We moved here for freedom, fun, and the beautiful weather. There was no positive thoughts of God or religion. The group of us didn’t really talk about that stuff much.
After 3 months of living in a pretty chaotic house together and struggling, things began to change. We all smoked and I did not think much about what at the time was a random stoner conversation that would eventually be the catalyst for the change. The group decided it would be good to do a spiritual exploration study. Each of us were going to study a religion to find out what they all had in common.
Only the person who took Christianity actually studied. He soon decided to go to a local church.
One night he and another housemate had a conversation. By the end of the night God showed up and made Himself real to that friend.
The next day we walked to the cliffs that over looked the pacific ocean. While meditating I asked the universe for a sign. I made it a point to myself that I was meditating and not praying. I didn’t really want Christianity to be true. After a moment I heard a whisper of a thought suggest opening the Bible that my friend brought.
My friend brought a Bible with us, so I got up and asked him if I could use it. With the Bible in my possession I sat back where I originally was. I wasn’t to going to actually open it to a certain page or passage. How could I? I never really read the Bible before, so I didn’t know where to find any good scriptures.
The wind played and flung the pages. The breeze died down momentarily and stopped at Psalm 64, which in the New King James version says, “Hear my voice, O God, in my meditation.”
It was the word meditation that got me. Then it was as though my soul breathed for the first time.
I mentioned in this week’s DreamWard Bound post that I was going to sit down and revise not only my goals but my dreams or end goals. I wanted to start from scratch and figure out where I actually want to go from where I am.
I have done this at least one other time and I do not believe I shared the entire thing that I wrote about my goals and dreams. I have big dreams and sometimes I wonder if I share them if that will hurt my chances of getting them. Well, more and more I am realizing that dreams are just goals without actionable steps being taken. My dreams might be larger than my life, but I do have small steps to walk towards them. I am creating goals for my life to bring me to my dreams.
Since my ideas of dreams and goals have changed, I would like to share with you my end goal and what I imagine my perfect life to be. I am not saying that my life will be perfect. It will just be perfectly suited for me. I know there will be hard times and sacrifices that I must make along the way, but it will be worth it.
Here you go.
Goals and Dreams:
Where do I start? In my dreams I am a happy artist.
My main focus is writing and acting. I wake up early most days and work long hours when I am on set. I am warm and friendly to both cast and crew. People Enjoy working with me. I work on either faith-based of sci-fi/ fantasy based movies or television shows portraying strong women, dorky side kicks, independent women or other roles that break false images of women or Christians. My main focus with acting is to shine the light of God’s love and the strength he gives his daughters. I want mainstream media to stop putting down or giving a false image of Christian women.
I want to be a part of a movement where we bring Christian morals back to entertainment and art. I want to help people see that Christianity is about loving each other and God’s love. I want to show and teach people that religion for religion’s sake is wrong, but a loving relationship with God is the way to live. He is the one who can save the world and he is the reason for love. Jesus came to the world not to condemn it but to save it and the world should know that. I want to help the world learn that kind of love.
Sorry for that little rant. Let me continue with the other areas of my future life.
I have a fan base that feels comfortable around me and who I actually help. They find support along with a distant friend in me.
I am more than an actor though. I also write and publish books. I have my blog, but my books are my main writing focus and means of income as far as writing is concerned.
I also work towards crossing 1 item off my bucket list each year.
When I am not writing or acting I want to be training BJJ or even another martial art. I want to be able to learn from every aspect of my life and use it towards acting, writing or any other art form I may take up. BJJ helps me prepare for fight scenes and give me confidence and friendship. My end goal with BJJ is to be physically healthy, able to protect myself, and perhaps even become a black belt.
For my family I imagine that I am close and talk often to both my real family and my church family. I know that they will always be there for me and they support me the best way they can. I want to be able to support them also with the needs they have. I also want to become as open as possible with each and every family member, creating relationships with no walls.
I know that I can do all this because I am focused on God. He is the only way that I will stay on track. I will grow my relationship with him daily either by prayer, podcasts, books, sermons, audio-books or conversations directed towards God.
My goals that I have are as follows:
Spiritual: In order to focus on God more fully I will not watch tv or YouTube, unless with friends or it’s teaching on God, for the next 3 months (until September 13th) and with that extra time I will listen to a podcast or read a Biblical based book. This time will be focused on growing my understanding about God and exploring where he might be leading me.
Relationship: I will tell one person that I love them every day for the next month (until July 13th) and try to start a conversation with them. I am doing this to strengthen my relationships and spread my love.
Physical: I am going to train BJJ at least 3 days and do bed-room workouts 2 other days every week. In addition I am going to eat 1 organic meal a week and at least 1 healthy meal every day. I will do this for the next month (until July 13th).
Editing: I will spend 30 hrs in the next 30 days editing my book (July 13th), keeping in mind that my new deadline for the second draft is November 1st.
Acting/ Writing: I will write 1 monologue a week and record at least 1 monologue a month. I will post every monologue that I record to YouTube to help grow my audience and receive feedback. I will do this for 3 months (until September 13th).
This week’s monologue was taken from Casting Crown’s song Jesus, Friend Of Sinners. This song was written by Casting Crowns in 2011 and recorded on Come To The Well under Provident Label Group . The link to the music video is youtube.com and their website is castingcrowns.com.
I love the song and have heard it a bunch of times, so figured it would be a good song to do. I hope you enjoy it.
I also tried something a little different for the intro and closing, so feedback will be great appreciated.
I have not shared my testimony/ story in a while so I figured I would share it with everyone.
I grew up in a small town with a rather large family, which included 3 sisters and 4 step-siblings. I would only see my father on the weekends and my relationship with him was not ideal.
After graduating high school I went to college 2 hours away. I felt what I thought was freedom. I could do pretty much anything and not fear my mother finding out. I still got good grades and still graduated on time, but I partied and stayed up till all hours of the night. Some nights the sun would rise before I left my friend’s house.
Like I said I graduated on time from college and then the question was raised, ‘Now what?’ I decided to go to California with a group of friends. We wanted to live the Californian life. We wanted to own a night club, computer business, and whatever else seemed like fun.
We drove for six days to get to our new home that just fell into our laps. It was a great big house close to the ocean. Everything was looking good, for a time.
Of course, it was not long before things went down hill. Our friend that we moved out there for found himself needing to move to New York, very badly and within a month of the move he went to live with his parents. The five that moved out there were now on our own. We did not have jobs or friends out there. We only had the four bedroom house.
Things started to get rough and we started to fight with each other. At one point my friend, Ryan threatened to move out. He did not actually move out but we all were not happy campers.
Someone one day came up with the idea of studying all the different religions to find the one main truth. We
figured there must be a through line in all the religions. It’s not like we thought knowing the different religions would help, we were more curious. We assigned the different religions among our group. However, the only person that actually looked into his assigned religion was, Justin, who chose Christianity/ the Bible, since he already had one from his grandmother.
One or two others in the group talked with Justin about God before my encounter with God. The time line gets a little blurry because once God came into our group He came rushing in. The time in between each of us accepting God and the Bible to be true was no more than two months, maybe even shorter. That is five friends in two months.
Each one of us had a very clear moment when God came into our hearts. Notice I do not say, ‘When I found Jesus.’ I did not find Jesus, I did not find God. I was not looking for God or Jesus. I did not want that boring religion filled with self-sacrifice and rituals to be true. Thankfully God is not a god of religion or rituals. He is the God and so much more than anything we can fully understand.
He found his way into my heart one day as I was meditating on the cliffs in Santa Cruz, California. I did not think I was praying and did not bring anything. I had taken the walk with my friend and roommate Marc, who had brought Justin’s Bible (the only Bible in the house). After I asked the universe to send me a sign about what is true, something like a small voice in the back of my soul told me, ‘Pick up the Bible.’ I stood walked over to Marc and asked him to see the Bible that was next to him. He handed it to me or I picked it up and walked back to my area.
I did not flip through the pages or pick a verse to read. I did not want this to be true. I let the wind blow the pages. When the wind died down enough for the pages to stop flapping, the Bible was about open about half way. My eyes did not fall on the first line of either page though. I remember it was about half way down the page that I started to read. I read the verse, “Oh, hear me Lord in my meditation and deliver me from the evil doers.” It was Psalm 64 in the New King James Bible. The Lord did hear me in my meditation. Than as I accepted the Bible to be true something like a light or breath or a new life came into. I could have ignored it and said that it was nothing, but it was something special. It was indeed a new life and it was because I was open to any idea, even the ones I did not want to be opened to.
Since that day I’ve taken leaps and bounds in my journey, but have fallen and slipped. I pray honestly, earnestly and full hearten at times, yet other times I hardly pray at all. My life is not prefect, actually it’s far from it, but it is a true and full life. I do not have a husband or stable career path. I am not saved from the dangers in the world, but I am alive and have a God who I can lean on. I do not know where my life is going. I only know the next step I need to take is because life is a journey filled with little steps and you may trip and stumble but God will catch you, all you need to do is trust in him.
If I could tell you one thing I’ve learned it’s just that; life is a journey filled with steps and the only way you can get to your destination, your destiny, is to trust is the Lord our God, who loves you and has saved the world. All you need to do is be open to his guidance and love.