The road is long.
The path is hard,
and I keep thinking
I haven't gone far yet.
Maybe I'm good,
but need to be great.
Perhaps I'm struggling in vain
and being an artist is not my fate.
I could run.
I could hide,
but then there'd be
a deadly gnawing inside.
So I'll stay my course
and walk my path.
Perhaps one day I'll look back,
see my struggles, and laugh.
I do have more poetry in the poetry section of my site and poetry readings on YouTube.
Dear mind,
dear dreaming self,
please stop.
You are walking
at it’s a dangerous path.
I see the briers.
I see the holes,
pit falls,
stumbling blocks
and thorns.
I can tell
where all this thinking,
where all this dreams,
and wishing will lead.
It is clear as a day
without a cloud in the sky
and I am wearing new, clean glasses.
The briers are crisp
and the thorns are bright.
The holes contrast the beauty of the light
the pit falls are almost shouting
with their daunting blackness.
The warning signs are hung
and they are direct,
so mind please stop,
dreaming self wake up.
I know where this is going.
I have been down this road,
journeying around this area,
too many times before.
I have walked to the end of the road
nearly falling off the edge,
so mind please sleep
and dreaming self turn off.
You need to stop,
before you fall into the hole.
Desist unless you trip
into the dark pit falls that are around.
Resist even thinking about the flowers
their steams are thorns.
Turn around before the briers get you.
Mind, please I have had enough.
Dreaming self it is all a dream
one which you control.
Please, self, turn around,
in your mind,
walk down another path.
Do not journey down
the path meant for two.
Do not go on the road
when you are alone.
Thank you.
It amazes me at all that is happening in my life right now. It may seem small to an outsider, but it is changing me. I am feeling more confident with the direction of my life.
One of the small things was that I saw a friend’s premier film (Redux). You see this film is his first major film and I was blown away with it. If last week’s mishaps taught me to guard myself and that untalented script writers are out there, this week taught me that there is talent and trustworthy people filming movies. I already knew that my friend was good at filming and that he was a good person. Seeing his movie taught me that talent, skill and being a trustworthy person does not come with age, but hard work and a mind that wants to learn.
Another thing that happened this week was that I declined a day job, because I was offered a better one. After three months of not working and trying to figure out life this was a major relief. Being able to pick between two jobs is new to me, but it was an easy choice. I chose the one where I will be able to fund my art, work with friends, and have a cool job. The other awesome thing with this is that I will be starting Monday.
I am doing this recap of my week in chronological order, so this is not bigger than my job. It just happened later in the week. I went to two music shows this week. I saw Beats Antique and Emancipator. They both were awesome shows and I found a new band to follow (Slow Magic). Beats Antique was my favorite out of the two. I enjoyed Emancipator’s show it was simply Beats Antique was theatrical, amazing and awesome. It was a stunning show that I was not expecting.
I also started to record readings of my poems. I hope to have all my poems recorded in the future.
This post may not seem focused towards living my dream or trying to but trust me it is to me. You see watching Redux showed me I can be who I am in the film industry and have my films mean something. Getting a job will be a step to funding the films I want to make. Going to a show inspired me to be my type of artist and allowed me to release emotions in a different way. Also, going with my friend, Kateland, taught me a little more about being friendly and at least trying to be extroverted at times, which is needed in networking. And recording my poems, well that’s just another way to get my name out there.
Now, things I learned this week is:
In the noise of the world
how do you quiet your soul
to listen to where you belong
to what you need?
With the world whirling around you
how do you stand still
to see your path
to trust your feet?
When the world whirls and shouts to conform
how do you stand apart,
how do you go down a path less traveled?
Be silent and I will tell you,
because every life has a quiet spot,
amidst every storm there is a tree to hold on to.
And you trust your feet
when you hold the hand of another who believes
in the path you walk down
in the life you live.
You see life is loud
but you can find quiet.
Life is a storm
but there is sunshine.
And living life is a journey
but worth it.
Open my heart to hear;
unlock my mind to see.
Teach me how to walk
into your arms of grace.
Show me how to listen,
to your voice of truth.
Give me a lesson to learn
and a dream to follow.
Let me follow you
and always be my Lord.
I have not shared my testimony/ story in a while so I figured I would share it with everyone.
I grew up in a small town with a rather large family, which included 3 sisters and 4 step-siblings. I would only see my father on the weekends and my relationship with him was not ideal.
After graduating high school I went to college 2 hours away. I felt what I thought was freedom. I could do pretty much anything and not fear my mother finding out. I still got good grades and still graduated on time, but I partied and stayed up till all hours of the night. Some nights the sun would rise before I left my friend’s house.
Like I said I graduated on time from college and then the question was raised, ‘Now what?’ I decided to go to California with a group of friends. We wanted to live the Californian life. We wanted to own a night club, computer business, and whatever else seemed like fun.
We drove for six days to get to our new home that just fell into our laps. It was a great big house close to the ocean. Everything was looking good, for a time.
Of course, it was not long before things went down hill. Our friend that we moved out there for found himself needing to move to New York, very badly and within a month of the move he went to live with his parents. The five that moved out there were now on our own. We did not have jobs or friends out there. We only had the four bedroom house.
Things started to get rough and we started to fight with each other. At one point my friend, Ryan threatened to move out. He did not actually move out but we all were not happy campers.
Someone one day came up with the idea of studying all the different religions to find the one main truth. We
figured there must be a through line in all the religions. It’s not like we thought knowing the different religions would help, we were more curious. We assigned the different religions among our group. However, the only person that actually looked into his assigned religion was, Justin, who chose Christianity/ the Bible, since he already had one from his grandmother.
One or two others in the group talked with Justin about God before my encounter with God. The time line gets a little blurry because once God came into our group He came rushing in. The time in between each of us accepting God and the Bible to be true was no more than two months, maybe even shorter. That is five friends in two months.
Each one of us had a very clear moment when God came into our hearts. Notice I do not say, ‘When I found Jesus.’ I did not find Jesus, I did not find God. I was not looking for God or Jesus. I did not want that boring religion filled with self-sacrifice and rituals to be true. Thankfully God is not a god of religion or rituals. He is the God and so much more than anything we can fully understand.
He found his way into my heart one day as I was meditating on the cliffs in Santa Cruz, California. I did not think I was praying and did not bring anything. I had taken the walk with my friend and roommate Marc, who had brought Justin’s Bible (the only Bible in the house). After I asked the universe to send me a sign about what is true, something like a small voice in the back of my soul told me, ‘Pick up the Bible.’ I stood walked over to Marc and asked him to see the Bible that was next to him. He handed it to me or I picked it up and walked back to my area.
I did not flip through the pages or pick a verse to read. I did not want this to be true. I let the wind blow the pages. When the wind died down enough for the pages to stop flapping, the Bible was about open about half way. My eyes did not fall on the first line of either page though. I remember it was about half way down the page that I started to read. I read the verse, “Oh, hear me Lord in my meditation and deliver me from the evil doers.” It was Psalm 64 in the New King James Bible. The Lord did hear me in my meditation. Than as I accepted the Bible to be true something like a light or breath or a new life came into. I could have ignored it and said that it was nothing, but it was something special. It was indeed a new life and it was because I was open to any idea, even the ones I did not want to be opened to.
Since that day I’ve taken leaps and bounds in my journey, but have fallen and slipped. I pray honestly, earnestly and full hearten at times, yet other times I hardly pray at all. My life is not prefect, actually it’s far from it, but it is a true and full life. I do not have a husband or stable career path. I am not saved from the dangers in the world, but I am alive and have a God who I can lean on. I do not know where my life is going. I only know the next step I need to take is because life is a journey filled with little steps and you may trip and stumble but God will catch you, all you need to do is trust in him.
If I could tell you one thing I’ve learned it’s just that; life is a journey filled with steps and the only way you can get to your destination, your destiny, is to trust is the Lord our God, who loves you and has saved the world. All you need to do is be open to his guidance and love.
Calm the calamity in my mind,
Because I know you’re here.
And, I know I’m right.
This path may look
the wrong way,
seem to go no way,
a dead-end
or have a brick wall in the way.
Yet, this path is
the one I’m on,
the one you lead me down,
the right road for me,
so I will walk this path
that some think leads no where.
Because I know
I will get where I going
and know that I’m being led.