God Shows Up blog series

Attending church in 2009

In 2009, as summer faded, I attended church for the first time since high school. My new interest in Christianity brought me to a large multi-building church with my friends. It was unlike the Catholic churches I had known as a child. This church had modern with chairs instead of pews and different rooms. It even had a bookstore. 

The main sanctuary had a stage and screens. The walls were beige, not stone, and there weren’t any stain glass windows. Plus, they had a sound system and theatrical lighting that would change for the different worship songs, that I did not know, yet.

My friends, who I moved out to California with, were going to this church, so one Sunday after I chose to try out Christianity they brought me with them. I still remember the newness of walking into this odd, but normal looking building.

After the first service, I approached the information table and the lady there gave me a mug and information about the church as a welcome gift. She seemed to care that I was there.

A few weeks or months of us going to the morning service passed. We then learned about an evening ministry. It was about to become its own church. It was a smaller, more intimate church named Elevation.

We couldn’t get enough of God and learning about who He is and how to follow Him. We kept going to both churches for a while since the time didn’t conflict. Both churches then also begun Bible studies, so the group went to one from each church. Both Bible studies met during the week in the evenings. 

We were on fire for God and supported each other to be more and more involved. Soon I was helping in different ministries for both churches and trying to get as involved as I could. The others were also serving and helping. 

God flooded and saturated our lives that first year. We grew immensely in our relationship with Him and our understanding of Christianity. It was a lovely spring board that set up our future paths. It is part of my life that I am truly grateful that God gave me and the group. He was the one that grew us and gave us all the opportunities to grow.

Want More?

For more blog posts in this series, you can visit my God Shows Up page. I also have a YouTube series that goes hand in hand with this written series.

Healthy Bagel blog series

Mentally Healthy Bagel

I have primarily talked about physical health and my journey with weight loss. However, that is not actually the main focus of this journey. Instead of working towards a physical health goal, like weight loss. I have been trying to be mindful of the reasons behind my habits and my mindset that caused me to not be my physical best. Basically I am working on the inside out this time.

Your mind is where every action or inaction stems from, so you should pay attention and take care of it. Why am I eating what I eating? It is because some part of my brain said, “Yes, tuna fish is what you want to eat right now.” It could have very easy decided that I actually should go to the store and buy a large thing of ice-cream, but it didn’t. Looking at the reason behind your actions or inaction can teach you so much about yourself.

Once I fully grasped the concept that every action or inaction comes from my brain, I realized that I can control and change my mind. I didn’t have to stay stuck with the same thought patterns or reactions. This is really when I started my health journey.

Why I think Dieting fails

Yes, I had tried dieting before and living a healthier lifestyle many times. I would typically fail, because I was just doing what I thought I should be doing and not looking at the reasons. The reasons didn’t resonate deep enough for me to keep with it and what I truly wanted to change was not actually being changed.

Most of the time the reasons we want to change our outward appearance has more to do with how we see ourselves and inner minds. That is why I never saw lasting change. I wasn’t changing the foundation or inner life, so my outside appearance was only always temporary.

Let me rephrase that for you:

If you don’t change the inside your outside appearance will only be temporary.

A few months ago

I realized the need to change my inner life and thought pattern a few months or maybe even a year ago, so I started my deep dive. That is when I started “Healthy Bagel.” I wrote the first blog post, but didn’t publish it and then backed away. Something was holding me back. I realize now I didn’t really want to do the deep dive into my mind. However, that was the only way real change would happen.

When I finally did look honestly at myself I realized the real reasons why I wanted to get ‘healthy.’ I use quotes, because I have no chronic illness, I’m hardly ever sick, and can be pretty active.

Here is what I realized about my reasons for being physically fit

  1. My BMI (Body Mass Index) defined my health in my mind and I used the BMI system as a way to keep my confidence down.
  2. My desire is to be more attractive
  3. I want to feel better about my physical body.
  4. Mainstream society’s weight limits and attitudes dictated my own.
  5. If I was a smaller size it would be easier to find a bra.
  6. Finally, I want to prove to myself I can be as fit as I want.

To put it simply I want to feel good about my body and increase my confidence.

How am I using my reasons to get healthier?

First I am looking at the beliefs behind the reasons. Why do I equate BMI with health? Why am I not feel great about my physical body? Why do I want to prove that I can be more physically fit? Why is my confidence tied to my physical appearance?

Some of beliefs are influenced by the society and culture I am a part of; others are more personal. I’m still explore which ones are which and how to overcome the limiting beliefs.

I do know that being physically active is a good thing and I do feel better when I’m taking care of myself, so that won’t change. I want to be the best version of me and currently that involves taking a journey towards being the healthiest I can be.

For more on my health journey check out the previous blog posts.

Healthy Bagel blog series

Healthy Bagel Confession

I have a confession I must share with you. I’ve already had set backs on this journey.

In the past month I’ve wanted to quit . My mental focus has been on my setbacks. It’s hard to start a new lifestyle. It’s hard to continually put the effort towards being healthy. That is what this whole thing is about. I’m really on a quest to find and live the healthiest lifestyle for myself.

I want to be healthy and be the type of person who just naturally chooses the healthy options. It would be great if I just naturally ate less sugar and less carbs. I would be happy if it was easy to decide to go for a run every morning.

Of course if that was the case then I wouldn’t be writing this blog or on this journey. I’m sure I will learn more and more things as I decide to do the hard, but healthy things.

The end result and quest itself may look different for you, but I hope you jump on this band wagon with em. It’s hard and the wagon may break down sometime, but it is worth the journey.

Even with the stumbles and set backs I have noticed a few changes, that no one else has noticed, yet. The changes have been slight, but they’re there. I’ve starting to see that my muscles have the desire to show themselves. They’re still shy and hiding behind a couple layers of fat. I’m also noticing my clothes are growing.

I’m still in the orange zone (191-199lbs), but honestly feeling okay with my progress at this moment. I currently have a great amount of energy, which is why I am feeling good about my progress.

1st Thing I’ve learned

Being emotionally, physically, or mentally drained are the cause of my setbacks. Willpower does take energy, so it makes sense that when I don’t have a lot of energy my willpower depletes quickly.

2nd Thing I’ve learned

I have also learned that when I eat like crap I feel like crap. If I eat sugar or carb filled stuff at night I’ll wake up feeling low or emotionally heavy, which makes me want to grab for a quick fix. The quick fix of course is sugar and carbs, which will help for a bit, but just repeats the blah feeling.

It’s also easier for me to continue to eat things I know is not healthy, because I swear sugar and carbs mess with my sleep.

I was eating clean, or clean for me, for a week; checking the sugar and carbs in everything and restricted my carb intake. I felt great and woke up fully refreshed, which I didn’t even realize was an issue.

Why Being Nice To Yourself Is Important

I had one or two slip ups, but regained control after my clean eating week. I still had plenty of emotional and mental energy to pull myself together.

Things were going well for about a week after that and then outside forces emptied my tanks of their energy. I’m slowly refilling my energy tanks, but as they fill I’m focusing on being kind to myself.

I don’t want to forgive myself for eating a pint of ice cream in one sitting or having pancakes with extra honey, but I know I should.

After I convince myself I need something unhealthy or eat too many desserts I need to forgive myself and move on. Holding on to regret or guilt, only makes me want to eat junk food more. Junk food can be a quick fix and fast comfort, but it’s fix and comfort fades just as fast.

I’m not giving up on my health though. I am re-evaluating and adjusting what I’m doing.

Like any goal or achievement you aim for you need to stay focused on the achievement, but be flexible on how you get there.

Healthy Bagel blog series

Starting A Healthy Lifestyle Voyage (Healthy Bagel)

I’m starting a healthy lifestyle voyage. Let’s start it together. I may have started my journey before this blog post, but I’m still just starting this trek.

Everyone has their ideal weight. Mine is 155-165 lbs.

We also have ranges and limits, or at least I do. These weights change how you feel or think of yourself. I’ll share you my ranges to show you what I mean.

My Ranges:

Note: These are just my ranges, your ranges will be different

  • Blue (my favorite color): 155-165 lbs. I am great, healthy, and people should look at me.
  • Green: 166-180 lbs. I’m still good, maybe I’ll make 1 or 2 switches. I’ll think about it.
  • Yellow: 181- 190 lbs. Yeah, I’ll make those 1-2 healthy switches.
  • Orange: 191-199 lbs. Maybe I need to watch what I eating and exercise more.
  • Red: 200-209 lbs. Major diet changes and exercise routines need to happen.
  • Critical Alert: 210 lbs and over. No! I didn’t even know I needed this range. Red zone should be the end! It’s time to really focus on my diet and being more active.

Where I am starting:

Currently, I’m in the orange zone at 194.8 lbs, but in August of 2017 I was in the Critical Alert zone. I wasn’t paying attention to my weight or life style; working at a desk then coming home to work on my writing or visual art. I was not active and went for quick food rather than healthy.

It had been a slow climb to 210. On my phone I have an app that I apparently have had an account with for about 9 years. The chart looks like a good finance report that is trending up. This of course is typically bad for your weight.

9 years ago I was 160 lbs and downloaded the app to lose those 5 lbs, maybe I wanted to lose 10 at that time.

I have bounced a bit since 2017 and haven’t really been too focused on my physical or mental health. That is until a few months ago, when I finally decided that I should start making my goals priorities.

First I just started with journaling and doing intermittent fasting. I saw more results from journaling than I did with limiting my eating window. I have since decided to go back to counting calories and working out.

End Goals:

  1. I will regularly increase my exercise until I am working out for 6 hours a week.
  2. I will weigh 165 lb.s by January 2020, unless I have proof of low- average body fat.

I also have mental health goals, but besides journaling they are harder to quantify and example.

Musical Romance (Short Story)

Musical Romance short story

Your best friend, Beth, invites you to an open mic night at a local coffeehouse. It the first time Beth will sing one of her original songs in front of people, besides you and her cat, Meowers.

It thrills you to support your friend.

After you finish your shift at the call center for a tech company, you rush home to get ready. Your clothes are changed and you redo your hair. This is in record time and you meet Beth at the cozy coffeehouse.

At The Coffee House

You can smell the beans roasting and the coffee brewing from outside the door. As you enter the coffeehouse, you look around the warmly decorated room. It has two large couches facing a makeshift stage area and wood tables that are only large enough to seat four people each. 

Beth finds you and greets you with a great enormous hug, the way she does when she is nervous. As she is still squeezing you Beth stated, “You made it.” When the hug is released she tells you, “The first person is about to start. I’m fifth in line.” She straightens her red and brown floral dress that flows over her slender body.

“Of course, I made it. I wouldn’t miss this.” You look at your friend and ask, “How are you doing? Nervous?”

Beth tried to smile. “Nah, no, no. I’m fine.”

You look blankly at her and her face drops, fully revealing her nerves. “Yes, I am. I shouldn’t be, the crowd isn’t that big, but it’s my song. What if they hate it? I could mess up. What if I can’t really sing?”

“Don’t be silly. You’ll do great. Meowers and I love the song. Plus you’ve sung in front of bigger crowds than this.”

Confused, Beth asked, “When?”

“Our middle school recitals and karaoke.”

Beth shakes her head as she states, “Those don’t count. Karaoke isn’t performing and middle school ended like half a lifetime ago.”

“Still, you’ll do great.”

The Open Mic Starts

Just then the first performer takes the stage and taps on the mic. It is a sizeable round man with little hair on the top of his head, but plenty of white hair coming from his chin. He sings an old blues song as he strums on a guitar. This musician is talented and the crowd applauds him when he finishes. The next performer is a woman with pigtails and a banjo. She can’t seem to play and sing together, but struggles through the full song, anyway. The following two performers get progressively worse and the audience hardly even claps for the last man, who leaves almost in tears. His nerves won.

Beth’s Turn

It is Beth’s turn. She is nervous and starts by fumbling the first notes on her simple acoustic guitar.

You mouth, “Breathe,” to her. She closes her eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath. She starts again and plays her song perfectly. It is beautiful. The crowd cheers for her at the end. They are very thankful that she was a wonderful singer and the song was beautiful.

Beth makes her way back to the table where you are sitting with a giant smile on her face.

As she sits, the next act gets on stage. It is a male musician who has perfectly curly brown hair and sits on the stool, but keeps one leg on the ground. He smiles a nervous yet cute smile as he places his guitar on his lap. Once he clears his throat he says, “This is my first time here too, and I also have an original song.”

Another New Musician Sings

He sings and your eyes meet his sparkling hazel eyes. You hold eye contact with him and smile. It feels as though the room melts away and he is singing only to you. Towards the end of his song, he looks down to make sure he is playing the right notes, but is grinning widely.

At the end of the song he thanks the audience, but is looking at you when he does so. The crowd applauds him as he leaves the little platform that makes up the stage.

He walks directly to you. “Hi, I’m Matt.” He says with his hand out.

You shake his hand as you tell him, “Hi Matt, I’m Lucy. You were great.”

“Thanks. I don’t mean to be too forward, but can I join you two lovely ladies?”

Before you can answer, Beth does. “Of course, we would love that.”

The conversation quickly dies down as the last performer takes the stage. She resembles a jazz singer with her hair pinned in curls and a black fit and flare dress on. She sings a slow and soft song. It is a very loving, sweet jazz song. After she finishes, the audience claps, but starts to leave.

Matt, Beth, and you continue to talk. After half an hour Matt buys both of you cups of tea and you help him carry them over to the table.

You do not realize the time passing. As the coffee house closes, Matt asks for your number. Smiling, you give him your phone number and he sends you a quick smiley text, so you have his.

When The Coffeehouse Closes

This is the start of something new, but after a long day at work you are ready for bed.

You say goodnight to Matt at the coffee house and walk with Beth to your car, which is outside of Beth’s apartment. You say goodnight to your best friend and get in your car.

When you get home, you see that you have an unread text message from Matt. It says, “I’m glad I went to the open mic night, tonight.”

You smile as you respond with, “Me too. Goodnight.”

As you get ready for bed, another text from Matt pops up on your phone. “Goodnight.”

Want More?

If you would like to read more short stories please check out my Portfolio or perhaps you would enjoy watching readings of my work on YouTube.

Starting Evaluation for BJJ

220px-BJJ_White_Belt.svg

I have read 3 books on Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (BJJ) in the past week or so. They were all aimed towards white belts and were all introductions to the sport.  In every book they talked about how much they learned and changed, while being a white belt.

I have decided to do a self-evaluation for each belt. I am starting this before I even have my gi (the sport’s uniform). I have had two classes and fell in love with this sport, which is a first. Besides dance I have not found any physical activity that I would think of doing on a regular basis.

There is just something about going into a class knowing nothing, jumping in and finding that everyone in the class is willing and able to help everyone else learn. It is a team of sorts, only the teammates are trying to test their other teammates joints, strength, and abilities.

Now, here is where I am starting. I am 180 lbs, with a little stomach and I would say on the border of hourglass and full figure. At least that is how I see myself. I will be taking a picture to compare new white belt self with my blue belt self once I actually have my gi.

I started BJJ for self-defense and as a workout. I nearly passed out the first class I took, which made me realize I do need to have a group workout because I do not push myself when it is just myself.

After my first class I came back because of the community, new art form, new way of moving my body, and found a new journey that will last my entire life. I am excited for this journey as I am sure you can tell if you read my other posts. I will leave a list of the different writing I have written, so far on BJJ.

I am just starting out but I have learned a few things. The most important thing I feel I have learned is the fact that I can do BJJ. I have also learned what to look for in a gi, of course that was mostly online research and not in a class. Still I did learn how to shop for a gi. Another thing I learned in BJJ is that fighting and fighting sports does not mean injury. Actually if you are training you don’t want injury either to yourself or your partner. Finally I learned that BJJ is a community and team sport that focuses on everyone improving techniques and welcoming any one will to learn in.

That is what I have learned so far. I am sure I will be learning more and more as the weeks and months go on. Now here is what I have written so far about BJJ.

Start of a Journey.

Pain So Good (A Poem)

Rush (A Poem)

Starting a journey

writingI started a journey last week, maybe you noticed. It is a life long quest to be my best. It will be a struggle see how this makes sense, showing some one or at least me something similar to growth. It is a journey that I have embarked as surprise to myself. This surprised journey, the sudden change in my seeing things is a surreal change in my path.

You see this new journey and sudden changed, changed more than a day like I thought it would. The first step was not really the true beginning. I thought it would be stepping into the hot sweaty gym, but no. The true beginning was asking the simple question, “Can I?” When the answer was yes, I was given a chance to step into the steam filled, rectangular room that was filled with blue and green mats.

My first class lasted all week within my muscles as an excited reminder that I did something impossible. What was that impossible thing I did, you may ask. I put down myself as I took off my shoes and learned my strength. I learned a new love. It is an impossible love that I told myself I would never find. It is the love of something that pushes you to the brink of your limits, but leaves you wanting more. It is a love that build you up, shows you the strength within you and tells you everything can be learned from. It is a love of Brazilian jiu jitsu and yes after only one class I was in love. After two classes I confident enough in this new journey to write about it.

You will hear more about my training and journey. This is only the start.

 

Are You My Dream? (A Poem)

poetry

Are you the dream I dreamed?
Are you the prince that came
sweeping me off my feet
with a smile and a laugh?

Are you the dream I dreamed,
in a far off land
close by love?
Was it a love that would never end?

Are you the dream I dreamed,
both with my eyes closed?
Was the laughter real
and the looks meant
to penetrate my soul?

If you are the dream I dream
the prince I wished for
and my ideal
please let me know.
Show me how to start,
before your solid form
turns into a memory.

Art (a Nonet poem )

poetry

Nonet

A nonet has nine lines. The first line has nine syllables, the second line eight syllables, the third line seven syllables, etc… until line nine finishes with one syllable. It can be on any subject and rhyming is optional.

line 1 – 9 syllables
line 2 – 8 syllables
line 3 – 7 syllables
line 4 – 6 syllables
line 5 – 5 syllables
line 6 – 4 syllables
line 7 – 3 syllables
line 8 – 2 syllables
line 9 – 1 syllables

 

Why must I do this thing I called art?
Is there a stop once you start?
I think the answer is no
like love it for sure grows
with no stopping point
which brings joy
Love is art?
indeed
yes

I liked doing this type. I found a syllable counter. Once I had that tool it was really fun to create a count-down poem. 

Let me know what you think and if you like it click the like button and I’ll do a poetry reading of it. 

Also THANK YOU for reading my blog.

Info On My YouTube Intro

Yesterday in between serving at my church I recorded an introduction video for YouTube. I realize that I will need to record this video again, but it is something at least.

I almost did not do it, then I almost did not get a chance to edit it. I had a million excuses not to, but then a quiet nudge reminded me that if I did not record this video it would be the first week (with the exception of my vacation week) that I would miss a recording since I started that goal. I was tired from waking up early, did not have anything really prepared, then my camera died before I was really finish.

Still I edited it together the best I could and uploaded it to YouTube. I watched it again to make sure that I was comfortable in publishing it and you know what it’s not as bad as I thought. However, I want to know what you think. Is it entertaining or informational? Does it make you want to know more or at least pay a bit of attention to my channel?

Here is the video, let me know what you think.