Kitty's Monologue

by tiffanymonologue, my creative selfPosted on One Comment

writing

Kitty is a character in my novel, who can not talk. She finds different ways to communicate and share knowledge. There is a lot to her, but she can’t always get that across. This monologue is an internal monologue taking place inside Kitty’s mind to Noah, one of the other main characters and the person she is closest to.

I do hear you. I do understand you. I do deserve my position. I really do and I know you know I should be where I am. I just wonder if the others think I belong. Sometimes I know that I don’t, but then you look at me and I belong. Your brother seems hard and protective of his mission. He can’t see that it is my mission too.

I am locked inside my mind. I wish I could just tell you and your brother. Really I wish I could tell everyone what is happening inside. It is like the neural pathways  connecting my voice and thoughts are missing. With every trauma or change they are erased and I must relearn how to make sounds that would be considered words. To make matters worst my memories are misplaced. They are not lost, just misplaced. This makes it hard even know what I know. All my memories are intact, but they are hidden from me and it seems like just when I find a memory or way to connect my vocal cords and thoughts together they are erased or jumbled up.

I hope you understand that I am doing my best. Your smile makes me think you know, but how? I never know until I start reconnecting things. Maybe that is why you’re with me; to help me remember that I am not permanently broken just different with misplaced memories.

Hopefully one day I will get to thank you. Hopefully one day everyone will understand. I am smart and I am worthy of helping. It may be a long time, but I do hope.

I hope you like this and if you follow my blog you will learn more about the characters of  Duality, since I am pretty focused on it. At least I am trying to be really focused on it. 

A Sunday Afternoon's DreamWard Bound

by tiffanyDreamward bound, other updatesPosted on No Comments

successAlthough I typically try to write these on Saturdays, I had no motivation to do anything yesterday. I also did not feel like I was dreamward bound. I basically was a Debby downer for myself and the worst part is that I gave into it. I gave in to the lack of energy, lack of motivation, and lack of belief in myself.

It is a good thing that today is a new day. Today I am focusing on the fact that I live among people who love me and support me. I actually did a bunch of creative things this week and did editing work on my novel.

I am overdue to revise my goals, which may be the reason for the feeling that I am not heading towards my dreams and my dream life. I am happy with my life for the most part, I just know that it could be better in some areas. More and more I realize one area that could improve is my work life. I would love to just write, paint, and act all day long. I am a far way off from that life though. I just need to keep working on my artistic skills and be open to share my art with the world. One day I will be living my dream life and when that day comes all this struggling getting there will be worth it.

Reviewing and revising my goals will be helpful in that it will remind me of my dreams and where I actually want to be in my life. Revising my goals is something to do after I publish this post, though.

I mean I don’t have much else to say, except this week felt a little crazy. It was all work and being a busy bee type of thing. Nothing too interesting in the details of the week.

I guess I can finish this post and go revise the goals. I will leave you with the list of things I did this week.

Asking a question and then ramblings about Love (A Vlog

)

Telling My Dream 

Where I write

Friendship (A Poem)

Weekly Writing Prompt

Telling My Dream

by tiffanyother updates, PoetryPosted on 3 Comments

encouragement

The inspiration for this post comes from my weekly writing prompt series. The prompt is ‘Write a poem or short story with the sentence, “I didn’t want to tell my dreams to someone new.” ‘

I didn’t want to tell my dreams to someone new.
I wanted you to be the only one who knew.
But like a bird away you flew.
Leaving alone to see you in a new hue.

No, I didn’t even want to tell you my dream.
I wanted it to be my scheme,
but you pushed saying we will be a team.
Yet, you still left before the sun even shared a beam.

Where I Write.

by tiffanymy creative selfPosted on One Comment

encouragement

Describe  your desk or work are where you write. Is it clean, dirty, or cluttered? Is it organized? What objects or decorations are on it or around you while you write?

This is a writing prompt from my weekly writing series. 

Where do I write?  I write at my black wooden desk that once was at a Target. It now is assembled with its one drawer almost always staying closed and stacks of notebooks, papers, pens and random artifacts from my days spread across its flat matte service. It is like a cozy cocoon where my creative ideas hide away.

It is clean, with hardly any trash or spills on it. It is cluttered and appears to be a mess, but if you ask me where a certain note is or where my favorite pen is I can tell you. It may seem like there is no order to my writing space, but just like my brain I know the rules and organization that is in place, even when others can’t.

 

Friendship (A Poem)

by tiffanyPoetryPosted on 2 Comments

poetry

I cannot, will  not lead you.
I cannot, will not tell you what is right.
Yet, I will walk beside you.
Yet, I will talk with you until you see some light.

Answers will come after questions;
who asks and who answers we’ll have to decide.
Some times the conversation will be made up of facial expressions.
Still no matter what I will be on your side.

This was just a quick little poem, that actually came from one of my prompts. Which weekly prompt I do not know, so cannot link you that blog. Still, I hope you enjoy this poem.

Why do I love you?

by tiffanyBrazilian Jiu-jitsu writings, monologuePosted on 3 Comments

writing

 

I find myself asking why do I love you? I know you’d never ask. You’re just happy that I do and I am very happy that there is love between us. Still I ask myself why do I love you? What makes you so special in my eyes? How did I get so enthralled with you so fast?

My answer to myself is because you are a challenge where I can learn something new with each visit. You push me to be my better than my best and some how at the same time you show me that I am better than I thought. You show me that I can achieve more than I thought I could but show me that it’s a journey that I just started. You give me confidence even when I am beaten down. The best thing is that you don’t let me give up because you know I can do more and when I do do more I am all the better for being pulled through it.

After our time together I find myself getting stares and I am not completely aware as to why. It could be because you make me feel beautiful especially when my hair is a mess, so I go out looking a bit crazy. It could be because of the giant smile you put on my face. Either way I will happily accept the stares if it means that they are seeing a fragment of you.

You are becoming my happy place and a shield of protection even when I am not in my comfort zone.

So yes you can kick my butt, choke me out and twist my arm along with any other body part because Jiu-Jitsu you give me so much and I learn every time I am hurt.

Thank you for being hard and pushing me. Thank you for breaking me away from my comfort zone and showing me that I am tougher than I think. Most of all though Thank you for teaching me about a different side of myself and giving me new journey to explore. Thank you Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu for being awesome.

Inside Thoughts

by tiffanyPoetryPosted on One Comment

writing

 

The words are bubbling. They are brewing. I once danced with them on the beach with the setting sun. Now the moon reigns and the words are a mush of over cooked strew. They are just bubbling and brewing no longer dancing in my mind.

The beautiful melody of fantastic descriptions and deep pondering has left my side. I now sit wishing and wanting for the words I needed to say to arise again. I wait for them to dance out of the sludge like stew that is now taking over my mind.

Tiredness slows down my thoughts and the need for sleep mixes all of them together. At sunset with the cool breeze whispering words to me, my mind was perfectly poetic as it pondered a pure poem.  Now only random ramblings can be rattled off as the stew thickens and traps the dancing melody of the pure poem inside.

Bury Deep (A Poem)

by tiffanyPoetryPosted on One Comment

poetry

I battle with you
as if the war was needed;
as if I had no feet to stand on.

You tear me down
and I let you,
and I feel defeated.

You whisper awful thing
like I’m not really loved;
like I cannot stand on my own

My heart and happiness is real
but you tell me to ignore it;
but you tell I’m ignorant.

You know my every weakness
and you use it for my harm,
and you use it to keep me down.

But I am strong,
stronger than the war you wage
the defeat you push
the hateful whispers
and stronger than your lies.

I know if you were anyone else
I would push you away
spit in your face
or just turn my back.

If you were anyone else
I would be stronger,
but you are the little voice
the one the is buried deep
trying for weakness to keep.

I can not spit in your face
or turn my back.
I can not push you down
or choke you out.

Yet, there is this little box
it has a lock.
You little voice can go in that
and be buried very deep.

Where you say I’m a fatty
I choice to see a beauty.
Where you see hurt
I see my healing.
You see struggle as failure
I see it as a lesson.
Where you see loneliness
I see self-love.

So go in your little box
and I lock you up.
I will bury you deep
because your lies I don’t want to keep.

Not An Ordinary Walk

by tiffanymy creative self, short stories, Stand Alone Short StoriesPosted on No Comments

encouragement

I walk down a hard grey path that has tiny bumps that would be unpleasant to walk barefooted on. There are dwelling places on both sides of this path with some green ground coverings. I walk down until I see an artificial looking hill that uses a combination of flat surfaces and tiny smooth cliffs. I walk down this built hill and find that the land below it is different.

This land has no path and is not as solid as the path or artificial hill.  Tiny grains of tan, white, and brown move under my feet as I walk. I am moving the land under me as I hear a rhythm of strange movement. There is a massive body of liquid creating this musical noise. The liquid mass stretches far beyond my sight and moves up as it sounds its rumbling music, but then it is pulled away. I pause and the clear liquid rushes over my feet. It is cold and I do not dare go in any further. Although what rushed over my feet was clear as the volume grows it becomes hard to see the ground or what is in the liquid.

I stay on the moving land before going back to the artificial hill and down the grey path.

Not For you

by tiffanymy creative self, PoetryPosted on No Comments

poetry

I just found an interesting top search for this blog, so will be doing a poem inspired by, “may be am not the one for you .”

Maybe I am not the one for you.
Maybe you are not the one for me.
Maybe you are nothing but a dream,
wanting me to wake.
Yet, I open my eyes and see your face.
You are standing right in my happy place.
You showed me it and told me to come.
Yet, you are not the one.

My one will come
and I did wish you were him.
Now, I wish I did not make that wish.
I know you do not see the possibility,
so maybe I am not the one for you
and maybe you’re not the one for me.
Yet, I wished the wish
and it’s now flying on the stars.
I can not reel it back in,
even though I try.

You opened my eyes,
and now I can’t stop dreaming.
You welcomed me in to your happy place
and it became my mine.
Still, maybe you are not the one for me.
Maybe I am not the one for you.

You know it’s really interesting, when I see something on the search and  it winds up being something I needed to write. So, thank you who ever searched for that.