My Nightmare Mind Box

writing

My mind is a box, lately, that I am trapped inside. My optimism says there must be a door, a window, or a hidden way out. I don’t see one. All I see are wall entrapping myself in my mind causing me to be unable to do much of anything I would consider being me.

To the left is the security of my day job, creating a thick time-consuming wall. To the right is my obligations and my bills stacked as high as my job with no holes to escape from. Behind me is my past failures, current fears, and reminders that the future can not be known. There is a reason my back is towards that wall, by focusing on that wall I would sit down, stop fighting and accept the box I’m in. Above me, on the ceiling of this box are all the people, careers, and talents that I compare myself to. I place them above me, although I am the only me. Below me are all my ideas trapped under glass in a cloudy stew of tar and mire. Still I know they’re there, just like a mother knows her baby. In front of me are painting of could-be’s, maybe’s, and the future if I only live my current life . I know there are keys to unlock each painting, except for the immanent future, that one does not need a key. The keys to my dream futures are unknown, lost or far from me. I do not believe they are in this box. All I can do is stand and look at the pretty pictures hoping and looking for at least one key.

Perhaps breaking the glass under my feet will lead to a key.

Self (A Poem)

poetry

I lost myself
when I ignored myself,
not trusting my heart
not listening to my soul.
The gentle whispering
saying no was dismissed.
I turned away from myself
and hid myself,
so I lost myself.

Now I will find my heart
when I fly to the light
and can be bathing in support.
Will myself snap back in?
Will I come out of my hiding place,
when I am home
and my soul feels safe?
Will I then find my heart.

The Me I Want To Be (a poem)

poetry

 I have put off writing this poem. I haven’t really wanted to truly face my ideas of loosing weight and why I want to get healthier. I also feel like I don’t have to share my reasons behind wanting to lose weight. Yet, this poem keeps bugging me, so I will write it if only to get it out of my head,

I hope you enjoy this poem.

Dear media,
Dear society,
I see the type of woman you ask for
I see your demands.
Media please know
I do not believe in your ideals
Dear society
I do not want your either.
I simply want to be me.

Yet the me in the mirror
does not match the me in my soul.
I do not know the woman
staring back at me.
I do not know the body
that I am in.
I am too young
for these ache.
My heart has more energy
than my body can take.
I yearn to do more
and be more
but how can I
when there is still more
more inches around my body
more acne on my face
and more aches in my knees.

I see you media
I see you society
and I almost want to embrace
this more type of me,
but I can’t.
I don’t want to me in your mold
but I want to me in mine.
I wish you did not demand perfection
so that every one will know.
I simply want to be the me
that I know.
I simply want to be the me
that is the same age as my soul.
I simply want to be me.

So I will.
I will turn my life back around.
I will fight these aches off
while the inches run away
and the pounds disappear.
I will fight my unhealthy cravings,
struggle to do what is right
and smile while I sweat.
I will fight until I am exactly who I want to be.
I will fight until I am
the me I want to be.

Dear media,
Dear society,
my health, my body
has nothing to do with you.
My health, my body
is mine and I will fight for it
despite of you.
I will fight until I am
the me I want to be.

Why? (A Poem)

poetry

Why
Is my heart breaking;
Can I not see the light?
Why
have I lost hope;
Can I not feel the love?
Where is this lost feeling,
this void of hope;
where is this twisted feeling coming from?

Did I not laugh today,
was that a dream?
Did the sun not shine today
and did I not wake again?

Why
is my heart breaking;
is my mood so low?
Why
have I lost my hope
Do I not know which way to go?
Has my path darkened?
Have I lost my way?
Can you tell me?
I need to know.

Did I not see a baby smile
or hear my friends’ laughter?
Was there no jokes today
and did I not enjoy work?
Did the sun not shine today
and I not wake again?

Why
is my heart breaking;
do I feel alone?
Why
have I lost my hope;
can I not figure out?
Where can I find the hole that is inside
What fell out
How do I get it back in?

I guess it is simply one of those nights
after a wonderful day
when the night is darker
and my eyes are heavier.
I guess it is simply one of those nights
when I ask why
knowing the next dawn will be brighter.

This poem was written Wednesday night, after I hung out with a few friends and had a generally good day. I was happy most of it and then on the car ride home I started to think. My mind went off on its own and I wound up feeling a bit depressed by the time I pulled into my driveway. I decided to write as an outlet and to figure out where the feelings were coming from. By the end of the poem I realized it was just me being tired and thinking about everything I have to do.

It is simply one of those nights where I need to go to bed and know everything will be better in the morning.

I hope you enjoyed reading and let me know what you think. Also if you need help, advice, or just someone to talk to, please let me know. I am always willing to help and listen. 

DreamWard Bound (July 2 to the 9th)

success

This week again was focused on my move and settling in. I was able to find time to write and post a couple of poems and found an extra poetry reading that I edited together and posted on YouTube. I believe I am mostly unpacked and settled, so my life should get back to normal. Of course I now have to redefine my normal since it’s been almost 8 months since I’ve been unpacked, in my own space and had a desk to work at. I’m foreseeing more productivity, which I am happy about.

I also feel like I can focus on more of my goals that I had outlined in a much earlier post. I have the publish one post and one video a week down, which was my first goal. I also added to the posts and am now trying to publish one poem a day, so seven poems a week. I am still working on getting that down, especially since I went on vacation, then moved.

One of the two goals that I am adding on is getting my weight down to 150 pounds in 15 weeks, so almost 4 months. If I do I will give myself $60 to spoil myself with, most likely a massage. If  I don’t I will give that $60 to someone else. I am planning on joining a gym that is near my new home, so hopefully that will help. It should also help that the guys at my work are getting in shape or working out, also.

The second goal that I’m going to focus on is my novel. I was thinking that I would just wait until my six months of publishing posts and videos goal was met and then really focus on my novel again. However, now that I have my own desk and space to actually edit and take notes I am thinking I can work on it now. This way when my six month goal is met it can really be a weekend with no responsibilities.

All this means that you will be hearing more about exercise and editing. These are two things I have been putting off since they are not my favorite things to do. I mean I love writing and being creative. I really love to act and be immersed in poetry. I love being creative and bettering my life. These things I like doing, but there is the work side that comes from bettering your life and being creative. In order to better your life when it comes to being an artist you need to be healthy, grow in your creativity and edit your work in order for them to be exactly what you want them to be.  This means I will actually have to do the work side of things more and you will be hearing about it.

I think that is enough babble for today. Here is the list of the few things I did this week. Click the links, reading/ watch and let m know what you think. Also thank you for reading this and any post you read. I really am grateful for any and all your support.

Never repeat (a YouTube video)

Writing process

Fantasies

Yes, it is really short.