I am not lost
Yet I will journey on.
My path leads into the depths,
into the forest of understandings;
Like a tree rooted in family
but growing towards the sky with each passing experience.
A bird who has freedom to fly
still returns to her nest.
I walk on, learning more of me,
seeing different sides.
I am a diamond with a multitude of facets,
a puzzle I’m piecing together.
I am not lost,
yet I still journey on.
I do regularly publish poems on my site and post poetry readings on YouTube.
Who do I do this for?
Who will win from my hard work?
Who will smile as I undress,
displaying my wonderfully curvy body?
Me, the answer is me.
I will win,
I will smile
and I am doing this for me.
I do not strive,
I do not fight,
I do not struggle
not for anyone,
except me and God.
If I do not do this for me,
then it is for God.
If I do not win,
then it is for God.
If I do not smile,
then I lost sight of God.
Who is all this for?
It is for me,
but if not me than for God.
I battle with you
as if the war was needed;
as if I had no feet to stand on.
You tear me down
and I let you,
and I feel defeated.
You whisper awful thing
like I’m not really loved;
like I cannot stand on my own
My heart and happiness is real
but you tell me to ignore it;
but you tell I’m ignorant.
You know my every weakness
and you use it for my harm,
and you use it to keep me down.
But I am strong,
stronger than the war you wage
the defeat you push
the hateful whispers
and stronger than your lies.
I know if you were anyone else
I would push you away
spit in your face
or just turn my back.
If you were anyone else
I would be stronger,
but you are the little voice
the one the is buried deep
trying for weakness to keep.
I can not spit in your face
or turn my back.
I can not push you down
or choke you out.
Yet, there is this little box
it has a lock.
You little voice can go in that
and be buried very deep.
Where you say I’m a fatty
I choice to see a beauty.
Where you see hurt
I see my healing.
You see struggle as failure
I see it as a lesson.
Where you see loneliness
I see self-love.
So go in your little box
and I lock you up.
I will bury you deep
because your lies I don’t want to keep.
I lost myself
when I ignored myself,
not trusting my heart
not listening to my soul.
The gentle whispering
saying no was dismissed.
I turned away from myself
and hid myself,
so I lost myself.
Now I will find my heart
when I fly to the light
and can be bathing in support.
Will myself snap back in?
Will I come out of my hiding place,
when I am home
and my soul feels safe?
Will I then find my heart.
Here are the chains
I clasp on to my wrists.
Here is the weight
I tie to my heart.
Here is the knife
I slowly stab into my soul.
Here is the prison
I hide myself in.
I cannot unchain myself
from the chains I claimed.
I cannot untie or cute the rope
that holds down the weight on my heart.
I cannot heal the hurt
from the knife in my soul.
I cannot unlock my prison
that I once locked myself in.
So, I give you my chains,
please undo their locks.
I give you the weight,
please cut their ropes.
I give you the knife
please heal my wounds.
And I give you my prison,
please turn it into a home.
Yes, I give you my everything,
please make me whole.
This was a good week. I may have not made a lot of head way with my goals and did not post five creative posts, but I did make a break through. A switch occurred in my mind this week. I did not realize it until I was at the gym today. I found the reason for why I want to work so hard to get to a different life. I learned something that seems at least deep to myself about myself.
The reason why I push myself and why I am dreamward bound is because I am fighting the little nagging voice inside me. The whisper in the back of my head that is saying, “You can’t. You are not smart enough. You are not good enough. You are not strong enough. You don’t really have talent.”
I also realized this week that this is the same voice that whispered to me through out my life. It whispered that I could not be a real artist, and I listened. It told me that I would easily blend into the background, so I let myself. This whispering voice told me that I was not good enough for all my dreams and I believed it.
Well, I started this blog and started to quiet that voice. I didn’t realize it at the time, but with every painting, every post, and every video I slowly started to not believe the part of me that said I couldn’t. Little by little I realized I am an artist and I am who I am. I also realized that I can do anything I want, because it may be hard but everything worthy of having takes something.
This week I realized that I stopped believing in the “no’s” my mind was whispering to me and started to prove them wrong.
The “I’m not smart enough” has turned into, “I will train my mind until I am.”
The “I am not creative enough,” has turned into a laugh, a smile and me telling myself, “Oh, yeah, sure. Watch this.”
The “I can’t” Â has turned into “Watch me.”
Finally, the “I’m not strong enough,” whisper that has haunted me for so long has turned into, “Shut up, I’ll be strong enough.”
Basically, I am not going to live by the negative voice in my mind any more. I am done putting myself down because I try to lift everyone else up. I can see the amazing possibilities in everyone else up. Why shouldn’t I see that in myself?
All this said, I am hoping that you will see a different side of me. One with more energy and more conviction. I know that my main fight is not getting paid for my art, but being satisfied with it and using each piece to be better than the one before it. My fight now won’t be against the world, people, or status. It will be against myself from yesterday.
Basically I am taking one of my tips from my goal getter’s channel and applying it with super energy. I am going to focus on my behavior and actions, not the world.
Now that I got all that out, here is all the things I posted this week.
All The Steps To Achieving Your Goal (video from last Saturday)
Here I Stand (Video)
Travelling Bagel (micro Fiction)
Rush (Poem)
Can’t Hold Me Down (Poem)
Control of My Brain (Creative Ramblings)
I am not for sale but you can by small pieces  of me. My body, heart, and soul are only mine. You can not buy or bid on them. Yet, I will bleed for you. I will bleed out all my creativity. I will happily give you all of my mind as long as I know where to find it at the end of the night.
Yes, I will give my all to give my art, but you will never buy my heart. I will bleed for you because my love will never end. Still no money and no treasure will be set to claim my very self. I will give you every piece of me and some times those pieces will be free. However, those pieces are the things I can spare, those bits are what needs to come out.
So thank you for collecting the things that I shed, but please know I am not for sale.
What do you artistic people think? Is that how you see selling your art? It was a random creative rant, so I don’t even know what I think.
I’m going to reach down deep
to pull something up.
I will whisper now
while I learn how to shout.
I will stop myself
to become myself,
because with every dream
there is a struggle.
When you try to turn
you dreaming
into your reality
you must sacrifice
to get everything.
You must give away
to see your dreams in reality.
So, I will fight against myself,
push what I want now down
and pull up what I am meant to have.
I will control who I am,
to become who I want to be.
I will whisper, ‘keep going,’
so I can shout, ‘I made it.’
Always reminding myself
my dreams will be reality.
Some days you just have to remind yourself that you can do it. The road may be hard to get to where you want to go, but you can do it. Â You can face and beat any struggle, challenge, or obstacle if you know and believe you can.
One day I will prove that to you, by my life, til then keep on journeying on with me. Â
I just need to take a step back from poetic words with flowing verses to pat myself on the back. Today is the day of the month that I usually want to curl up and sleep for an eternity. I did not sleep though. I woke up and got ready for work. I then learned that my carpool buddies were not going into work. I could have went back and relaxed grabbing a cup of coffee from my new favorite cafe, but I did not. I went to work stopping by a fast coffee place that was already opened.
After work I could have stopped my day, but I did not I went to a creative meeting for my church instead. Now, that should be the end of the day right. It was not I then dragged myself to the gym, which was very hard to do. Still I did it; I went to the gym.
It is almost 10 pm now and I have been out of my house since 6:30 am. The end of my day is in site and I have happy that I pushed myself to go to the gym. I am happy that I am writing this post and I am really happy that I am pushing myself to do more than I thought I could.
If you take anything out of this post, if you learn anything from me, know that you can do more than you think. If I can push myself to do more, you can push yourself too.
I hope you enjoyed this post and please let me know what you think. Have a wonderful day and thank you for reading.
When I build me up
I crumble down
and feel nothingness surround.
When I build me up
I forget to stand
and fall to the earth’s sand.
Crumbling and falling
I can not survive
Forgetting you breath
forgetting you live inside.
My strength and hope
my way and life.
I forget
I crumble down
so you can stand out
I do not stand on the sand
because you push me to your rock.
I will remember to crumble down
only to your will,
so that your love with stand.
I will stand aside
knowing you are my rock
so that your hope will shine bright.
Yes, I will crumble down
be pushed aside,
so love, hope and mercy can survive.
I have realized lately that I have felt this weird crumbling emotion towards my life, as if I am not in control of my life. I know I am not in complete control of my life, but people like to think they are. I want to believe what I am doing with my life means something and that my life is mine. Well, I realized on Sunday at church that the reason I felt lost and a crumbling of myself in my life is because since I am a follower of Jesus my life is not my own. I love Jesus and have given my life to him. This means I work  with the gifts and talents God has given me to spread his love, hope and truth.Â
I started to write this poem (in my mind) as  an expression of  loosing myself and not feeling right. As I actually wrote it down though, I realized why I had that feeling and turned it into a poem for God.
I hope you enjoy this and please let me know what you think.