My Speech (Journey To Me)

I will be blunt, because there is no real way of talking about my speech without doing so. I have a speech impediment, where d’s and t’s don’t always come out right or at all. This is especially true when d’s and t’s are in the middle of a word and I haven’t said that word a lot or at all.

Growing up I hated that it was called an impediment. It wasn’t because any negative experience I’ve had with having a speech impediment. I hated it, because I blurred the syllables together. I couldn’t say what I had well.

After years of speech therapy, theater, and practice friends and most people have said they don’t notice it. I know how to hide it and speak to be understood now.

I still hear it. I may not consciously be aware of it with every word I say, but I know it is still there in the shadows. I especially hear it when I listen to a recording or when I’m speaking through a microphone.

I repeat the words my friends tell me, “It’s just how I sound. It’s just how I talk.” I remind myself it makes me unique and those who matter don’t fault me for it.

For a time I cringed my way through editing videos of where I am speaking, whether it was monologues, tips, or improv videos. I forced myself to get comfortable with my voice. It did help me become more comfortable with my voice and accept it.

Eventually the videos slowed to a stop. The improved self-esteem for my speech was only a bi-product and my goals that were the real focus of the videos were not in the foreground of my motivation.

I gave little thought to my voice or speech for a while. It was not interfering with my life and it didn’t seem like an issue. I could listen to my voice without cringing now and everyone could understand me. Part of my thought that the impediment was behind me. It was something I had not have.  It felt as though the struggle with my impediment was over or a tiny pebble in the shadows of a far corner of my mind.

The funny thing with the mind is if you shine light on a pebble it can grow. Even the slightest connection to it can create a boulder under the right circumstances. The pebble become a hurdle, which open wounds that should have been healed.

Partly from stress and partly because a light was shined on my speech, I now had to face my speech impediment again. Even though the focus on my speech had nothing to do with the impediment, I saw my insecurities surrounding it.

I now have to figure out why the pain of not speaking exactly like everyone else still remains and threatens to come out at the slightest reference. Why does anything negative relating to speech or talking brings me to tears?

On the surface it appears that the reasons are easily sen. I want to be viewed as smart, but I must first sound intelligent. If  I’m fumbling over words, stuttering and finding replacements that I can say my IQ appears to drop.

I do not want what I view as my weakness and flaw hold me back. When it does I feel all the times its held me back. I am reminded of going to speech classes, being taken out of regular classes to go to a special speech therapy class, and feeling the label of “different” on me when it was not my choice.

Even now when I gladly wear “unique” and “different” as a proud badge, being different in speech hurts. It transports me back to being a child who did not ask for the label or want it.

I always felt loved and do not remember anyone teasing me about my impediment. They would tease me and bully me for other reasons, but never for how I spoke.

I do not want to blame my short coming or not getting things in life on my speech impediment. Hardly anyone notices now and if they do they say it doesn’t change their view of me. However, when it’s noticed it changes my view of myself. I’m reminded of the shy little girl. I find my shell again and must fight the urge to get back in it. I do fight though and write instead of crawling into my safe shell.

When the time is right I will explore why my speech impediment still hurts so badly when it is in the light. It is part of me and should not hurt me, yet it still does.

For now I will again work on tongue twisters and vocal exercises to overcome my flaws. I will become comfortable with my voice once again. I will remind myself that I’m my own success person. I’m strong and I am loved.

The relationship with my speech is a journey that I may stumble along, but I’m at least making progress and discovering more sides of who I am.

Can I? A Poem

poetry

Can I call you up,
before I take a step back?
Can I hear your voice,
hear you laugh?
Will I then be alright?
Will that then calm my heart
or could this just be the start?
All evidence is pointing
the wrong way.
Life and the world
is saying turn away
but my heart is saying no.
No to taking a step back,
no to giving up before it starts,
no to doing what is smart.
Yet, if I call you
I wouldn’t know what to say.
If I heard your voice
mine would run away
and I would be helpless
if your laugh was brought from far away.

Can I call you up,
before anything really starts?
Can I hear your voice,
some how see your face?
Can I tell you that
your mind seems so brilliant,
your strength seems so foreign
and your smile is so enticing?
Can I share with you
my thoughts and how I see you?
One of which is you as
my ideal which frightens me,
a strange tough work of art
that makes me want to inspect more,
but when I get to close
I must turn away,
because your eyes
they seem so knowing
so frightfully knowing
and prefect.

Can I call you up,
before I know what to say?
Can I hear your voice,
even if you are not on my list?
You are not the person,
that my created wish list created.
You only have the needed traits,
the non-negotiable and absolutely needed parts.
What about the goofiness,
and where is the sense of humor?
How can you seem so great,
but lack the lightness I seek?
How would you fit in my family,
when you are not even a little crazy?
You see you are too sane
to be my ideal.
You are too put together
to have me by your side.
No, see you don’t have the things
I have said I don’t need,
so you must not be the one for me.

Still can I call you up,
before I take a step back?
Can I hear your voice,
hear you laugh?
I want to even though,
all evidence is pointing
the wrong way.
I want to because you seem to be
my ideal which frightens me.

 

I wrote this on November 29, 2014 to help me with a crush. I saved it for a bit of time, so that it would not be so fresh when I published it. Since now I have started the process of getting over this crush I feel like I can now publish this work of art. 

I hope you enjoy.

DreamWard Bound (Or The Fight Found Within Me)

success

This was a good week. I may have not made a lot of head way with my goals and did not post five creative posts, but I did make a break through. A switch occurred in my mind this week. I did not realize it until I was at the gym today. I found the reason for why I want to work so hard to get to a different life. I learned something that seems at least deep to myself about myself.

The reason why I push myself and why I am dreamward bound is because I am fighting the little nagging voice inside me. The whisper in the back of my head that is saying, “You can’t. You are not smart enough. You are not good enough. You are not strong enough. You don’t really have talent.”

I also realized this week that this is the same voice that whispered to me through out my life. It whispered that I could not be a real artist, and I listened. It told me that I would easily blend into the background, so I let myself. This whispering voice told me that I was not good enough for all my dreams and I believed it.

Well, I started this blog and started to quiet that voice. I didn’t realize it at the time, but with every painting, every post, and every video I slowly started to not believe the part of me that said I couldn’t. Little by little I realized I am an artist and I am who I am. I also realized that I can do anything I want, because it may be hard but everything worthy of having takes something.

This week I realized that I stopped believing in the “no’s” my mind was whispering to me and started to prove them wrong.

The “I’m not smart enough” has turned into, “I will train my mind until I am.”

The “I am not creative enough,” has turned into a laugh, a smile and me telling myself, “Oh, yeah, sure. Watch this.”

The “I can’t”  has turned into “Watch me.”

Finally, the “I’m not strong enough,” whisper that has haunted me for so long has turned into, “Shut up, I’ll be strong enough.”

Basically, I am not going to live by the negative voice in my mind any more. I am done putting myself down because I try to lift everyone else up. I can see the amazing possibilities in everyone else up. Why shouldn’t I see that in myself?

All this said, I am hoping that you will see a different side of me. One with more energy and more conviction. I know that my main fight is not getting paid for my art, but being satisfied with it and using each piece to be better than the one before it. My fight now won’t be against the world, people, or status. It will be against myself from yesterday.

Basically I am taking one of my tips from my goal getter’s channel and applying it with super energy. I am going to focus on my behavior and actions, not the world.

Now that I got all that out, here is all the things I posted this week.

All The Steps To Achieving Your Goal (video from last Saturday)

Here I Stand (Video)

Travelling Bagel (micro Fiction)

Rush (Poem)

Can’t Hold Me Down (Poem)

Control of My Brain (Creative Ramblings)

 

Voice

writing

Why do I have a voice and where does it come from? Am I just a person going through the world, doing what I want and saying whatever comes to my mind? No, the answer has to be no. I am more than just a stranger with no message. I am more than a blank face in the crowd. I want to stand out in the seas of the world and declare I am not normal. I am not just a yapping dog trying to get scraps of attention. I am not simply a girl wanting to better myself.

So Why do I have a voice? Where does it come from? I  have a voice to shine love on everyone. I have a voice to encourage and show others that they can reach for the stars. They can do everything they want to, because they are breathing. I have a voice to share my story. And I have a voice to shout my love.

Where does it come from? My voice comes from being able to breathe, from being alive. It comes from God above who has taught me what true love is. My voice comes from the God who has given me breath and life.  It comes from the people around me who tell me that I do indeed have this voice and lifts me up to be all that I was meant to be. My voice comes from far deeper than I let on.

If there is a reason for my voice and I have things I want to say with it, and since it comes from the greatest being ever to live, than why don’t I use it? Why do I blend into the crowd of the world and act like a yapping dog begging for attention? Why do I not stand up and declare “You are loved! You can be all that you want to be!”

You will be seeing changes from me.