Why not now?
Where did I fall?
Where are my faults?
Where is the wall?
Am I not to be loved?
No partner that I yearn for?
No match have I found,
so I sit and ask
Why not me?
Why not now?
Photo by Anton Darius | @theSollers on Unsplash
If you would like to read more of my poetry please take a look at my portfolio or watch a few of my poetry readings.
I am sitting in my favorite cafe that is just down the road from my home with a hat, striped t-shirt and shorts on feeling like a real artist or at the very least a creative person with a great life. It is interesting since that is not how I woke up. I woke up with the annoying question of, “why?” Why am I even trying to lose weight? Why am do I wrote and force writing upon myself? I also did not want to do any of it. I did not see the benefits of going to the gym when I was not meeting my goal. This morning really was all about the gym. I wanted to be lazy, so I was for a bit, but then I went. I worked out for an hour, pushing myself to burn more calories. Now I feel better and got to relearn a lesson: If you push towards your goals not matter what the outcome is you will be happier than you would if you did not. Also you can’t blame or put yourself down if you try your best.
That was this morning thoughts, but let us get to what I did this week. Since I set up new goals and revised older goals last week this week was really focused on figuring out how to meet them. I found a good reading plan to read through the Bible in a year. I tried really hard to diet and work out almost everyday, which did not really work because I was not tracking what I was eating and I think I ate too little and still worked out. I also tried to be more organized with my time, which was hard since I am changing job positions at my work. I was not as productive with my poetry writing as I would have liked, but at least I wrote from the heart. Another thing I did was edit my poetry reading of Your Efforts and posted on to my YouTube channel. It was not my best video but at least I did it.
I also have an idea for my YouTube channel to change all the thumb nails. I want what the audience sees to look professional and informative, not just screen shots of the video or random pictures. That is a thought for the future though.
Now that my rant is over here is the list of what I did this week.
Your Efforts (A Poetry Reading) {video}
Why do I have a voice and where does it come from? Am I just a person going through the world, doing what I want and saying whatever comes to my mind? No, the answer has to be no. I am more than just a stranger with no message. I am more than a blank face in the crowd. I want to stand out in the seas of the world and declare I am not normal. I am not just a yapping dog trying to get scraps of attention. I am not simply a girl wanting to better myself.
So Why do I have a voice? Where does it come from? I have a voice to shine love on everyone. I have a voice to encourage and show others that they can reach for the stars. They can do everything they want to, because they are breathing. I have a voice to share my story. And I have a voice to shout my love.
Where does it come from? My voice comes from being able to breathe, from being alive. It comes from God above who has taught me what true love is. My voice comes from the God who has given me breath and life. It comes from the people around me who tell me that I do indeed have this voice and lifts me up to be all that I was meant to be. My voice comes from far deeper than I let on.
If there is a reason for my voice and I have things I want to say with it, and since it comes from the greatest being ever to live, than why don’t I use it? Why do I blend into the crowd of the world and act like a yapping dog begging for attention? Why do I not stand up and declare “You are loved! You can be all that you want to be!”
You will be seeing changes from me.
I’m feeling good with how my week turned out. I wrote poems and posted videos this week. I also joined a gym that is near my house today. Things seem to be going well for me as I sit and write this blog. I mean I was a bit drained and stressed from work along with everything else by Friday, but playing Pathfinder with my friends helped that. I was able to relax and be a bit crazy. It amazes me sometimes how much laughter can help wash the week’s stress away.
I am super excited about the ideas for this coming week and the fact that I will really be starting on my fitness goal. I also have a few poems brewing in my mind that are asking to be shared with you. I will share the new poems with you unless there are explosions around me, which I do not foresee happening.
Yes, I am in a weirder mood as I update you on this week and a bit all over the place. I may not be stressed from the week anymore, but that does not mean that I am not thinking about everything going on whether it is something random or otherwise. I have many plans and many ideas floating around in my mind. I am still not sure how to do everything I want to do, but I at least know what I can do for the time being.
I should write more and tell you more about my week. I am being a space shot though and so very easily distracted that I will just leave you with a list of things I did this week. At other points in the week I will write more about my journey and life.
Writings: