Give me word to write,
A story to tell.
Show me which way to go,
How to grow.
Dance with me
And lead me around.
I don’t want control,
I just want to know;
Know how to dance,
How to sing.
I just want to know how to be.
So give me the words to write
And the story to tell.
Show me which way to go
And how to grow.
Please
Open my heart to hear;
unlock my mind to see.
Teach me how to walk
into your arms of grace.
Show me how to listen,
to your voice of truth.
Give me a lesson to learn
and a dream to follow.
Let me follow you
and always be my Lord.
Clear
My heart starts wandering.
My head is never clear.
I turn to find myself,
then turn to find a ring.
I think I have lost you,
yet you whisper ‘I am always near.’
My soul yearns to be with you.
My heart is never clear.
I wish to face your beauty
and know what to do.
Still I know you are never far;
yes you are always near.
My Tesitmony
I have not shared my testimony/ story in a while so I figured I would share it with everyone.
I grew up in a small town with a rather large family, which included 3 sisters and 4 step-siblings. I would only see my father on the weekends and my relationship with him was not ideal.
After graduating high school I went to college 2 hours away. I felt what I thought was freedom. I could do pretty much anything and not fear my mother finding out. I still got good grades and still graduated on time, but I partied and stayed up till all hours of the night. Some nights the sun would rise before I left my friend’s house.
Like I said I graduated on time from college and then the question was raised, ‘Now what?’ I decided to go to California with a group of friends. We wanted to live the Californian life. We wanted to own a night club, computer business, and whatever else seemed like fun.
We drove for six days to get to our new home that just fell into our laps. It was a great big house close to the ocean. Everything was looking good, for a time.
Of course, it was not long before things went down hill. Our friend that we moved out there for found himself needing to move to New York, very badly and within a month of the move he went to live with his parents. The five that moved out there were now on our own. We did not have jobs or friends out there. We only had the four bedroom house.
Things started to get rough and we started to fight with each other. At one point my friend, Ryan threatened to move out. He did not actually move out but we all were not happy campers.
Someone one day came up with the idea of studying all the different religions to find the one main truth. We
figured there must be a through line in all the religions. It’s not like we thought knowing the different religions would help, we were more curious. We assigned the different religions among our group. However, the only person that actually looked into his assigned religion was, Justin, who chose Christianity/ the Bible, since he already had one from his grandmother.
One or two others in the group talked with Justin about God before my encounter with God. The time line gets a little blurry because once God came into our group He came rushing in. The time in between each of us accepting God and the Bible to be true was no more than two months, maybe even shorter. That is five friends in two months.
Each one of us had a very clear moment when God came into our hearts. Notice I do not say, ‘When I found Jesus.’ I did not find Jesus, I did not find God. I was not looking for God or Jesus. I did not want that boring religion filled with self-sacrifice and rituals to be true. Thankfully God is not a god of religion or rituals. He is the God and so much more than anything we can fully understand.
He found his way into my heart one day as I was meditating on the cliffs in Santa Cruz, California. I did not think I was praying and did not bring anything. I had taken the walk with my friend and roommate Marc, who had brought Justin’s Bible (the only Bible in the house). After I asked the universe to send me a sign about what is true, something like a small voice in the back of my soul told me, ‘Pick up the Bible.’ I stood walked over to Marc and asked him to see the Bible that was next to him. He handed it to me or I picked it up and walked back to my area.
I did not flip through the pages or pick a verse to read. I did not want this to be true. I let the wind blow the pages. When the wind died down enough for the pages to stop flapping, the Bible was about open about half way. My eyes did not fall on the first line of either page though. I remember it was about half way down the page that I started to read. I read the verse, “Oh, hear me Lord in my meditation and deliver me from the evil doers.” It was Psalm 64 in the New King James Bible. The Lord did hear me in my meditation. Than as I accepted the Bible to be true something like a light or breath or a new life came into. I could have ignored it and said that it was nothing, but it was something special. It was indeed a new life and it was because I was open to any idea, even the ones I did not want to be opened to.
Since that day I’ve taken leaps and bounds in my journey, but have fallen and slipped. I pray honestly, earnestly and full hearten at times, yet other times I hardly pray at all. My life is not prefect, actually it’s far from it, but it is a true and full life. I do not have a husband or stable career path. I am not saved from the dangers in the world, but I am alive and have a God who I can lean on. I do not know where my life is going. I only know the next step I need to take is because life is a journey filled with little steps and you may trip and stumble but God will catch you, all you need to do is trust in him.
If I could tell you one thing I’ve learned it’s just that; life is a journey filled with steps and the only way you can get to your destination, your destiny, is to trust is the Lord our God, who loves you and has saved the world. All you need to do is be open to his guidance and love.
Following God
Over the three years and some odd months that I’ve called myself a Christian and have followed God He has spoken to me in different ways. Whether its through prayer, a pastor’s message, reading the Bible, talking with friends or simply looking at the world around him. Sometimes God whispers through nature, pulling your focus to the different seasons or the life of a lovely flower, which whispers there is a time for everything and God makes beautiful life like art.
Little signs and whispers are sweet and loving. Yet, that is not the only way God speaks He also can shout with a flood of tweets saying “be brave”, friends saying that any dream is scarey but it is worth it, reading Bible versions saying trust in God, and pastors’ messages saying God has a plan and we must follow it. Yes, it seems like God is shouting to me “follow my plan” and that is scarey, because no where in the Bible does it say God is safe or comfortable.
God is loving, awesome, just and powerful, but his wisdom, power and love is not worldly, it is above the world’s understanding. This causes his plans to bigger than we can imagine. We can not understand His plans.
If we trust and follow God we cannot rely on our own understanding. We have to trust that God really knows what he is doing, although our path may be dark he will bring you through it, and God’s plans is the best path for you. If you truly follow God you have to fully trust him and believe in him 100%.
That is what he is telling me right now and my thoughts on it. So prepare for more blogs about my adventures and poems about hard paths and struggling towards my dreams.
Being led.
Calm the calamity in my mind,
Because I know you’re here.
And, I know I’m right.
This path may look
the wrong way,
seem to go no way,
a dead-end
or have a brick wall in the way.
Yet, this path is
the one I’m on,
the one you lead me down,
the right road for me,
so I will walk this path
that some think leads no where.
Because I know
I will get where I going
and know that I’m being led.
God is
Some times I feel like I have a super power and it’s God. Although I have never lifted a car, or ran faster than a train I can see things people can not. I see hope in the darkness and hurt in anger. I can see where I go wrong and the way out of pain. I know that anger in the darkness and past wrongs will never keep me or anyone from God’s love. He uses all things for his good plan.
Yes it does seem like God is so far away when you first start looking at him. He is an unreachable, unthinkable entity that some think can not exist. Once you start to learn and have an actual relationship with him God comes in focus. He is the light that can guide a life to completely change even if outsiders can not see. God is the love that the world is searching for in darkness. He can be any one’s everything. But most importantly to know is that God is.
God is not a past fantasy once believed in. God is not just written in a book. God is the unexpected kindness from a stranger. He is a father’s love and a friend’s helping hand. God is love and light. He is a father to all who seek and a provider for his children. God is the builder and creator of all things. God is love. Most importantly, God is.
Yes my super power is the fact that I know that God is.
the last forty days
41 days ago I was feeling pulled in all directions. I did not know what I was doing wrong, but could not make time for all the projects I wanted to do. I had no time to follow my dreams. It was draining just to live life because I never really recharged. Life just was not going my way it seemed.
That was when I decided to change something. I did not know how or what exactly needed to change, but I went on a fast from television. I figured I would pray and ask God for help instead of watching shows or movies. I started this no television thing forty days ago and told myself and God that it would be for forty days. I felt like what I learned may help people, but mostly want to share what happened to me.
I want to make sure that I am clear in my reasons for writing this blog. I am not writing it as a, ‘look at me,’ type of thing. I am sharing with you part of what did happen and not saying either way whether you should try this fast or not. This was helped me at this point in time and I have learned things from it. I am hoping to simply share what I have learned and not what I have done.
Now, what I learned first was within the first week. I realized just how much t.v. I was watching. I would get home from work and plop myself in front of a television or my computer. I would zone out, never really mentally resting but not active either. Television was not refreshing my mind or soul, but I was still watching hours of it. I would stay up late just to watch another episode or because the one I told myself was my last, was not a good one to leave off on.
You may watch a lot of television or a lot of movies over the course of the week. Or perhaps you have another hobby that takes up most of your time. What I learned from realizing how much television I was actually watching was that I had elevated entertainment to a level higher than most things in my life. I had always been a dreamer and a planner, but none of my plans or dreams were coming true. I was stuck, because I was actually saying, with my time, that television was more important than my dreams. Watching that much television told me that I either did not actually believe I could achieve my dreams.
Well, I really do believe that I can achieve my dreams and now I know it. I had a lot of time on my hands, after cutting television out. I have made three necklaces, most of a puppet (I just need two little things to complete her), have written multiple poems (some of which are up on this blog), have done a mini Bible study on proverbs 31 (again on this blog), and have written 37,147 words of a novel I had been putting off. All of this was within the last forty days.
Each of these projects taught me something different. First the Proverbs 31 one taught me that I must work hard and be strong in order to be a godly woman. This does not mean I do not enjoy my life. The work I work hard and long on is my writing, which I love to do. This piece of scripture is giving me strength and determination to follow my dreams full heartily.
The next project, the puppet, made me realize how much talent God has. He shapes us all and is focused on each detail. I hardly could get the face done and almost gave up multiple times, because the detail work was so hard. She is a tiny puppet and I just did not have the skill to finish her… Or so I thought. After putting her down and picking her up many times, I finally felt her face was finished. I then worked on her hands which again I almost gave up on. I could not figure out her tiny fingers. Again after picking them up and putting them down I figured out how to do the fingers. I realized after she was baked and ready to assemble that some connecting loops were closed. I had moved the clay too far down the wire that I was working on. I almost thought I would have to make a few parts over again, but found a way to save them. Finally yesterday I basically completed her. She is now wearing a black dress. I only need to attach her head, but need to buy something for that. So, now that she is done, I look at her and she looks like a real mini puppet. It took a lot for me not to give up on all the detail and during the process I kept telling myself that I would never do another puppet this small. Looking at her I bet I will do another one this small again, maybe soon.
I bet God looks at us the same way. People are more complex and hard to figure out than puppets, yet he has made billions and will make billions more. He does not give up on any of us, even when we do not believe he is real. He loves us no matter what.
The other project that taught me something was my writing. This includes my poems and my novel. I realized during the writing many things. One, God is with me while I write, so I should let him shine through. Also writing and becoming a full time author is my dream. At least the main dream I want to pursue at this time. Once I can survive as an author, which I know may be never, I may pursue my other dream as an actor. Right now I am only a write though. Right now writing is my main dream. This will be my focus. Yes I still love acting, theater, and movies, but what really is important to me is God, my family, friends, and writing. I need to focus on what is important. I stretched myself thin only thinking of the many different areas I want to make a career in. Truth be told I wanted seven careers at one point and I wanted to pursue them all at the same time. What has stuck over time, what I always did even before I realized it could be a career, was writing. I started writing when I was ten and never really stopped. I wrote stories, poems, novels (with no endings), journals, plays, and songs.
I love to write and love is its own reward. I do not need anything in return. I spent years without some one reading anything I wrote and it did not matter. I still wrote. I hope people will read my things now, but approval for this art form is not required.
As for the jewelry I made. That is a hobby, that I hopefully will make a few extra bucks at. I will be selling some pieces soon on Etsy (www.etsy.com/shop/tiffyjoy). This will not be my main career though. I enjoy it and if I sell enough I may think of making it a full time thing, but I will always be a writer at heart. If I can make a living as a jewelry maker and a writer I will be happier than I can imagine. It would mean I could just have fun for most of the day and make my own schedule. We will see though. I will not get ahead of myself, which I have a tendency to do.
All of these things happened during my forty days of no television. I realized and learned everything within those days, because I was opened to learning and could focus on what was really important. My simple advice for you, my reader, is if you feel stressed or stretched thin, if your dreams are not coming true and you do not see anything happening with them, ask yourself is there something I could give up or change. Is there something in your life that is taking up your time or not revitalizing you? Prioritize your time, work for your dreams, and know you can do it.
You (unedited)
Calm my mind,
like a gentle breeze.
Please, wash away my insecurities
in a loving river.
Teach my how to sing the songs
that the care free birds sing.
Do not want to worry about tomorrow?
I will try to let tomorrow worry about itself.
Breathe your calming spirit in
and I will breathe my anxiety out.
Today I will remember your gentle breeze,
your loving river,
and live.
Please, feel free to give feedback or comments below.