My mind is a box, lately, that I am trapped inside. My optimism says there must be a door, a window, or a hidden way out. I don’t see one. All I see are wall entrapping myself in my mind causing me to be unable to do much of anything I would consider being me.
To the left is the security of my day job, creating a thick time-consuming wall. To the right is my obligations and my bills stacked as high as my job with no holes to escape from. Behind me is my past failures, current fears, and reminders that the future can not be known. There is a reason my back is towards that wall, by focusing on that wall I would sit down, stop fighting and accept the box I’m in. Above me, on the ceiling of this box are all the people, careers, and talents that I compare myself to. I place them above me, although I am the only me. Below me are all my ideas trapped under glass in a cloudy stew of tar and mire. Still I know they’re there, just like a mother knows her baby. In front of me are painting of could-be’s, maybe’s, and the future if I only live my current life . I know there are keys to unlock each painting, except for the immanent future, that one does not need a key. The keys to my dream futures are unknown, lost or far from me. I do not believe they are in this box. All I can do is stand and look at the pretty pictures hoping and looking for at least one key.
Perhaps breaking the glass under my feet will lead to a key.
I want to boldly tell you; I am an artist. I’m sure you already knew that or at least suspected. I mean how can anyone really hide their creativity? I know I’ve tried to hide or ignore my creative side, wanting to be normal. I yearned for a quiet mind that could simply observes the world and did not have a need to share its beauty.
Yes, there was a time I wanted to be normal, but not any more. An ordinary life in no life for me and if it seems like my life is just like yours ask me what I’m thinking about. For you see I have worlds and universes living in my head. My mind is filled with lands of poetry, worlds of paintings, and many stories in many different universes. They are all just waiting to be created.
When I am at my day job tapping the keys of my computer part of my mind may be trapping dragons to get to the keys of a prison to rescue some royalty. While I’m driving home I am most likely also involved in an elaborate love affair that will tragically end when I park my car. If I am watching the sunset I am also memorizing the colors in hopes that I could paint it one day.
You see my mind is not a quiet place most of the time, which now I love. It makes my life extraordinary in an ordinary world. This is why I must boldly tell you; I am an artist. I’m sure you already knew that or at least suspected.
As I am worrying and becoming stressed, a whispering voice says,”be patient.” So, I will be patient, but there is a difference between waiting ideally while your time and talents dwindle away and being patient. I will be patient, but I will still act on opportunities, and work on my talents. I will wonder down the path of life until I can run down the road, that I know it will become.
The timing may not be right, at this moment. This moment is fleeting, though, and soon will be over. I will be patient in my working until it is time to leap.
What is important in my life at this moment? I am,well me and how the ink of my pen looks as it glides across the page. The shapes and lines of the words could be art in of themselves. Simple, smooth, yet they still hold a quality of complexity.
No, nothing to serious is important to me at this moment. I don’t have the energy to think to deeply on any subject. Instead I will simply watch the shapes come to life as my pen drags on.
Perhaps it is the light of the setting sun causing the almost magical make up of the ink on the paper or perhaps it’s the difference in pen. Have I become so accustomed to the think bold lines of my newly bough fountain pen already, that this thin lines ball point pen looks more elegant with its writing? I will say that it is a combination and leave it at that. I know it will not matter in a moment or two either way, when the sun sets or my mind wonders to the next topic to create.
Either way and for what ever the reason pen to paper is what is important to me at this moment.
Kitty is a character in my novel, who can not talk. She finds different ways to communicate and share knowledge. There is a lot to her, but she can’t always get that across. This monologue is an internal monologue taking place inside Kitty’s mind to Noah, one of the other main characters and the person she is closest to.
I do hear you. I do understand you. I do deserve my position. I really do and I know you know I should be where I am. I just wonder if the others think I belong. Sometimes I know that I don’t, but then you look at me and I belong. Your brother seems hard and protective of his mission. He can’t see that it is my mission too.
I am locked inside my mind. I wish I could just tell you and your brother. Really I wish I could tell everyone what is happening inside. It is like the neural pathways connecting my voice and thoughts are missing. With every trauma or change they are erased and I must relearn how to make sounds that would be considered words. To make matters worst my memories are misplaced. They are not lost, just misplaced. This makes it hard even know what I know. All my memories are intact, but they are hidden from me and it seems like just when I find a memory or way to connect my vocal cords and thoughts together they are erased or jumbled up.
I hope you understand that I am doing my best. Your smile makes me think you know, but how? I never know until I start reconnecting things. Maybe that is why you’re with me; to help me remember that I am not permanently broken just different with misplaced memories.
Hopefully one day I will get to thank you. Hopefully one day everyone will understand. I am smart and I am worthy of helping. It may be a long time, but I do hope.
I hope you like this and if you follow my blog you will learn more about the characters of Duality, since I am pretty focused on it. At least I am trying to be really focused on it.
I find myself asking why do I love you? I know you’d never ask. You’re just happy that I do and I am very happy that there is love between us. Still I ask myself why do I love you? What makes you so special in my eyes? How did I get so enthralled with you so fast?
My answer to myself is because you are a challenge where I can learn something new with each visit. You push me to be my better than my best and some how at the same time you show me that I am better than I thought. You show me that I can achieve more than I thought I could but show me that it’s a journey that I just started. You give me confidence even when I am beaten down. The best thing is that you don’t let me give up because you know I can do more and when I do do more I am all the better for being pulled through it.
After our time together I find myself getting stares and I am not completely aware as to why. It could be because you make me feel beautiful especially when my hair is a mess, so I go out looking a bit crazy. It could be because of the giant smile you put on my face. Either way I will happily accept the stares if it means that they are seeing a fragment of you.
You are becoming my happy place and a shield of protection even when I am not in my comfort zone.
So yes you can kick my butt, choke me out and twist my arm along with any other body part because Jiu-Jitsu you give me so much and I learn every time I am hurt.
Thank you for being hard and pushing me. Thank you for breaking me away from my comfort zone and showing me that I am tougher than I think. Most of all though Thank you for teaching me about a different side of myself and giving me new journey to explore. Thank you Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu for being awesome.
Here I stand. I stand on my own two feet, wishing that they were not attached, so that I could move around them and see where exactly I am. What am I doing? Where am I actually standing? And why am I standing? Still, at least I am indeed standing on my own two feet. I have the world ahead of me and I am making it on my own. Yes, look at me doing my own thing. I am living my very own adult life, alone. I have many questions and never too sure if I’m doing everything right. Most days I know I’ve done at least one major thing wrong, but still I am making it on my own. I am living this adult life, standing on my own two feet. But you know what? Some time, well most of the time I wish I wasn’t. I wish there was some sort of clear arrow pointing one way or the other. Still I guess that’s not entirely how this adult life thing works, so here I stand. I am here standing on my own two feet.
This week was a stressful week at work with later hours. It burnt me out most days and by the end of the week I was done with people and anything productive. I did not go to my improv group on Thursday or do anything Friday night. Instead both nights I stayed home and vegged out with YouTube, Pinterest, and Netflix.
I was able to get a lot done with my writing and videos the first part of the week though. I was able to record Step 7 of Goal Getters, which means it’s all tips now. I also recorded a monologue and an about me video.
The monologue was Dory’s monologuee from Finding Nemo. It has been my favorite one so far. It was fun and a character type that I would love to do more of. Of course it seems more people are watching the classic monologues from plays. That could be because they were the ones done first, so they have had more time to get more views. It seems though people are still watching them and as long as they are watching my videos I will be happy.
No was far as writing goes I wrote my 5 creative posts. One was about being a bagel, which will become a series and then a video series. The video series will happen when I figure out how I want to do it.
Also, during this week this blog reached 152 followers. I almost did an actual happy dance, but I was at work so only let out a tiny wiggle.
I believe that is all the news about my week. Here is the list that tells you what I did.
Step 7 (video)
Back Story (video)
Dory’s Monologue (video)
Magic Machine (A Poem)
For A Second Time I am a Bagel (short story)
Come and See (A Poem)
Sale (A Poem)
I really find value in seeing the list written out. I did eight things this week. That means I took eight steps towards my dream this week.
I realized the other day that I have not mentioned anything about my videos with the exception that I am still doing them.
This past weekend I did another Stated Song, instead of a traditional monologue. Stated Songs are the least viewed videos on my channel and I basically do them for myself. I will be doing more monologues next week. However, I felt like I needed to do it, partly because I already had it Queued up in my mind to do it and partly because it is exactly where I am right now.
The song that I turned into a monologue was “I Want To Be Something,” by Weezer. I really like Weezer’s music, which you can by the fact that this is my second video using their songs as a monologue. The first one being “The Other Way”
I hope you like it and please let me know what you think.
Also, The song “I Want To Be Something” was written and performed by Weezer. It appears on the band’s album Hurley which was released in 2010. Although there is no music video there is a recording of this song on YouTube here :http://youtu.be/a_m4SlbUujA and the band’s channel is https://www.youtube.com/user/WeezerVEVO . The band’s website is http://www.weezer.com/.
As I mindlessly stir my single serve coffee in a Styrofoam cup with a small red plastic straw I think to myself, “Do others narrate their mundane tasks, as they wait for the next event in their story to unfold? Am I odd to dream in vivid detail about meeting a famous actor who could jump-start my career in the middle of a random vacation? Do others yell from their souls, ‘notice me’ with no one hearing, because they do not actually use words.”
If only you could see into my mind you’ll know all the silly questions I ask when no one is listening. You would also see countless pictures I do not have time to paint, along with numerous stories waiting in line to be written as if each main character is waiting in a dimly lit hallway with no other door. If you could see into my mind you would also see an army of poems dancing around scripts that are also waiting to be shared with the world. Sometimes there are fights in my mind because all my stories, poems, paintings, dances, and yes scripts want to see the light of day, they want to be born into reality. However, just like everything in this world things take time to develop and be turned into reality.
So, they wait in my mind. They wait where you can not see them, just like I can not see into your mind, which is why I will continue to ask questions, write my stories, and dream my dreams that line up and pile up in my mind. Maybe when they are all out you will be able to answer the question, “is my mind normal?” Just know that if the answer is no then I will smile and say, “good.”
Until you can answer all my silly questions I will sip away my coffee and make my life more interesting via narrating the boring parts, like sitting on an airplane sipping and stirring my single serve coffee.
This is the last post I wrote while on vacation, from now on it will be all current writings.
I hope you enjoyed a glimpse into my mind and thank you for reading.