Dreams and Goals (Journey To Me)

My dreams and goals seem crazy to me at time. They are so grand and lofty. They almost seem impossible. Yet, every time I attempt to downsize my dreams it does not work. Even if I am able to shrink them for a time, they will grow.

I want to say my dreams grow like weeds, but they are much more beautiful than your common weed. They are more like wild flowers, growing wherever and however they like, but doing so rather beautifully.

They are currently blossoming with the goal of supporting myself as an author and artist, who can then work on acting again. I want to be known for these three things. I can see myself achieving this and I am working towards these goals, that is why I call it a goal and not a dream. Dreams are just goals without a plan. I believe Dave Ramsey said something along those lines and I believe it is true.

My current dream includes marrying a musically talent actor and having 2 kids with him. I want to build a life with him. I dream of producing t.v. shows and acting in movies. I also want to be able to live off of 10% of my income and give the rest to God’s work and charities. I have no actual plans or steps in achieving any of these dreams. Perhaps one day when I am supporting myself as a author, artist, and actress, I will then be able to plan for my dreams.

I do want to mention that I don’t just want a lot of money, but I want to be able to make a big difference in the lives of others in a notable, positive way.

Where I am sitting right now these dreams and goals are large and scary, but they are mine. I am happy with always reaching for more, even though it is frustrating or a real struggle sometimes. I think I’ll stop trying to downsize my dreams, instead I’ll upgrade my work habits.

To Sleep (A Poem)

poetry
Will my eyes fall
before my mind fades?
Will poetic words escape,
running faster than sleep?

They are there,
right behind my pen,
pushing and struggling to be freed.
Too many push
Too many are jammed into the passage way.
The ink cannot be spread fast enough,
they are clogged and stuck.
My eyes are falling
as my mind fades.
My poetry lost the race;
sleep won.

Can I Meet Fantasy?

poetry

I do not want to live this life.
I want to dance with the pixies,
laugh with the werewolves
and maybe meet a fairy or two.

I do not want to live this life.
I want to see my thoughts
in air bubbles that are
taken away by the evening’s breeze.

I do not want to live this life.
I yearn to be free.
Free of things tied to reality,
where there is magic.

I do not want to live this life.
Yet, I know I have to.
I guess I will just depend on love
to be my magic
and honestly that is enough for me.

The Week of Ideas to Live DreamWard Bound

success

 

It seems like this week I came up with so many different ways that I could help boost my DreamWard Bound journey.

One you may have seen or read. It was a monologue from a character in my book. I did it in hopes that if more people know about the characters while I work on the book, when it is finished more people will be interested in reading it. At one point I will even share a portion of a chapter.

I am also thinking about turning DreamWard Bound posts into a book. I think my journey is interesting and I like the poetry and stories that help tell my journey. I am not in a place where there is an end to that book yet. I still will have to wait on something happening. Yet, when it does I want to be ready and have that boost me towards my end goals and dreams.

Another book idea or writing project I have is turning my 3 month challenge of no television into a book. I’m not sure if it will be just a kindle size or if it will be long enough for a real book. I am just starting on that journey and study. So far I have journaled my thoughts and study notes. I think I’m interesting enough for people to read that journey. At least I am interesting to me.

On another note I am starting to find myself picking apart the different aspects of the music I listen to. If this continues I may start a new hobby (creating music). I always need more hobbies and things to do. It would be another way for people to hear about me. However, it is not part of my end goal and I have never really been a musical person, so I am trying to just let that be. I already am stretched thin with my time.

I am working on my goals with the time I do have as I am thinking of new ways to boost me towards my end goals. I haven’t watched televisions, except when I was over a friend’s house for dinner. I believe I have said I love some one every day. I am pretty sure I’ve said it to multiple people. I am at least conscious of my health, but have been lacking on actually eating healthier and working out on days I can’t go to BJJ. Editing is also going slow, but I do plan to edit a bunch today. I have writing my monologue for this week and after I write four, I will pick one to perform and post on YouTube.

To end this post I will leave you with my list of things I posted this week, like I normally do.

Kitty’s Monologue

A Beauty and A Beast

Weekly Writing Prompt

Kitty's Monologue

writing

Kitty is a character in my novel, who can not talk. She finds different ways to communicate and share knowledge. There is a lot to her, but she can’t always get that across. This monologue is an internal monologue taking place inside Kitty’s mind to Noah, one of the other main characters and the person she is closest to.

I do hear you. I do understand you. I do deserve my position. I really do and I know you know I should be where I am. I just wonder if the others think I belong. Sometimes I know that I don’t, but then you look at me and I belong. Your brother seems hard and protective of his mission. He can’t see that it is my mission too.

I am locked inside my mind. I wish I could just tell you and your brother. Really I wish I could tell everyone what is happening inside. It is like the neural pathways  connecting my voice and thoughts are missing. With every trauma or change they are erased and I must relearn how to make sounds that would be considered words. To make matters worst my memories are misplaced. They are not lost, just misplaced. This makes it hard even know what I know. All my memories are intact, but they are hidden from me and it seems like just when I find a memory or way to connect my vocal cords and thoughts together they are erased or jumbled up.

I hope you understand that I am doing my best. Your smile makes me think you know, but how? I never know until I start reconnecting things. Maybe that is why you’re with me; to help me remember that I am not permanently broken just different with misplaced memories.

Hopefully one day I will get to thank you. Hopefully one day everyone will understand. I am smart and I am worthy of helping. It may be a long time, but I do hope.

I hope you like this and if you follow my blog you will learn more about the characters of  Duality, since I am pretty focused on it. At least I am trying to be really focused on it. 

The Whole 100 Day Challenge Thoughts

ocean walk 192

 

101 days ago now I started a challenge that I challenged myself to. This challenge was to create an exercise routine that I can do everyday for 100 days.

I got this idea from a friend at work who is doing a 100 day challenge for herself. She has her 15 minute routine that she does every day. She found this “century” challenge first from a sword fighting challenge she heard of or did. It was basically 100 strikes for 100 days. She took the idea and made it into a workout challenge.

I took this idea and made it my own.

Here is my challenge that I started to refer to as the workout. It’s 10 reps of 10 different exercises

  • 10 Squats (and hold for 10 seconds after)
  • 10 Russian Twists
  • 10 push ups (hold in plank for 10 seconds after)
  • 10 crunches
  • 10 shrimp/ hip escapes (each side)
  • 10 hip switches (another shrimping move)
  • 10 bridges
  • 10 bicycles (to each side)
  • 10 leg lifts
  • 10 Cross-body mountain Climber (That may not be the name, but I know what it means)

The catch with this challenge is that I would do these exercises for 100 days and if I missed a day I would reset the day count. This means if I am at day 66 and missed a day I would have to reset the day count, so the next day I will be at day 0 or 1 depending if I actually workout.

If you read my first challenge post the challenge did change a little. I realized that I could not do any sort of roll in my room, where I did the workout. I also marked the bicycles differently because I counted the right way (1 meant both sides) and wanted to keep it consistent with the other counting.

I did mention that I was going to keep track of the challenge with a log of some kind. It turned out to be a paper taped to my bathroom mirror. I wrote a line a day and posted the thoughts throughout the challenge after I filled up a sheet.

Here is the full 100 day list of thoughts as I did this challenge.

  1. It does not matter when you start, just that you start.
  2. Starting is the hardest and scariest part of the journey but needed. (I also wrote see twitter for 2.2.15, which says, “One day I will be able to submit someone in a fight, today is not that day, but it was a learning day closer”)
  3. Change, goals, and dreams don’t happen overnight, work towards them day after day.
  4. Convincing yourself you’re worth the work is work but worth it.
  5. Little by little and step by step is what it takes to see massive changes.
  6. By pushing yourself to do something you don’t think you can do you may find out you can.
  7. Fighting for tomorrow mean giving up you’re today. Also there is 2 parts of you the cannot and the can learn how to make the can side win. (That was after a 2 am workout, because I stayed out late with my friends)
  8. If you know how you learn, you will learn more. (This was a class day.)
  9. Working for what you want will pay off if you are constant.
  10. You know you’ve found your thing when the pain is worth it. (This was followed by a side note of  “yay, chokes. :-)”)
  11. Sometimes you just need to take way the options, make your step towards success mandatory.
  12. Starting is the worst, it’s hard and sucks, but shows you what you can do. Stick with it. You got this.
  13. I may be tired; I may not be clever, but I am doing what I set out to do.
  14. Your goals should be fun, educational and worth the pain. (This was another class day.)
  15. Making a goal a need makes it easier to do, even if it’s by force.
  16. Friends should make the goals easier. (This should be a class day note.)
  17. It’s getting easier.
  18. You know you’re doing something different and hard when you start to question seeming random choices in your life.
  19. I guess some days you just do and not learn.Doing is valuable too
  20. Some days you just have to make time. It’s worth it.
  21. Pushing yourself forward is just walking on a path or journey towards your goals. (This was a class day, also.)
  22. You can do anything as long as you work for it.
  23. People will notice your efforts. Keep on to show yourself your efforts. (This was a class day, I  know because people are starting to see my efforts in class. I don’t yet see my improvements, though. I still feel like a newbie who knows nothing.)
  24. Strength is worked at not given.
  25. You can still work even if you are tired. It will be more of an accomplishment.
  26. Sometimes realizing it’s the last part of the day makes the rest worth it.
  27. Sometimes seeing the tally marks is the only thing to make you/ me to do another day.
  28. If someone, even yourself, says you can’t tell them/ you that you can or show them.
  29. Today I didn’t really know why I was doing my challenge, but that did not stop me from doing it.
  30. Today fun was brought, along with struggle, learning, fighting and sore body. I’m smiling. (It was a class day.)
  31. Forgot to mark I guess I wasn’t thinking only doing.
  32. It’s midnight, I’m not going to be smart. Do it. IT’s easier once it’s a habit.
  33. Another midnight workout. Tired but smiling. I did stuff today. Improv, site and workout.
  34. Not related, but still what I was thinking. Beauty is in the heart and soul not body. New tonight I actually do a sit up fully.
  35. Sometimes you learn from what other people do. I’m smiling. (It was a class day.)
  36. My knee is hurting so I changed things up and did extra of what I could. I didn’t let pain win, I adapted.
  37. Ow, everything hurts, but that doesn’t mean I’m quitting gotta keep fighting on. (It was a class day.)
  38. If I feel my muscles they are solid and great. I’m sore but strong.
  39. I wanted to go for a walk today as if my brain is changing.
  40. I realized today I’m working on being the dream girl for my dream guy which some how means I can’t live in a dream world. (I actually wrote a post about this.)
  41. 42% done. (I was a day off). I’m feeling awesome about working out when I wanted to sleep.
  42. Friends make things better. Also experiencing different things. (It was a class day.)
  43. A workout routine or goal routine gets better with momentum so once you start don’t stop.
  44. It always is great when people can see the results of your efforts. (It was a class day.)
  45. Just looking and knowing your progress/ journey helps.
  46. No one really knows where you started only results and what you share.
  47. Just doing what you set out for means something.
  48. I want to be where I want to be but I know once I get there I’ll want to be somewhere else.
  49. Halfway there baby! And almost didn’t even mark it. (Again a day early)
  50. I feel like I had an accomplished day, which I haven’t felt like in a while. It made me want to do more.
  51. Make sure you’re smiling more than you are frowning.
  52. Schedule, plan and remember your goals during the day.
  53. I’m tougher and stronger than I give myself credit for and you most likely are the same.
  54. Feeling pooped and icky is not an excuse. You can still reach for your goals. ( I was happy with this day, since there was a smiley face after it.)
  55. I’m so ready for bed, but I did my exercises so won’t be angry with myself tomorrow.
  56. Good day, good training and good fun. (It was a BJJ class day and I was smiling.)
  57. I feel like a warrior. A sneezing warrior, but still I’m a fighter now.
  58. I took the day off get stuff done and did everything and them some with a smile on my face. (It was another smiling BJJ class day.)
  59. I am becoming a better me at least with fitness. Life is a process.
  60. Only 40 more days until a new goal or challenge. I’m excited.
  61. I’m realizing the scale is not my friend. I am tougher than it tell me since I am not used to muscle.
  62. I didn’t think about working out I just did it. That’s what happens when goals become habit.
  63. You can learn anything, just try and ask questions. ( It was a BJJ class day. )
  64. New goals, new challenges and dreams combine beautifully.
  65. Pushing yourself when you think you can’t won’t only prove the negative thought bit also put a smile on your face.
  66. Always looking back may be a bad thing. Yet being reminded of how far you’ve come is good.
  67. Even if you don’t feel like you can do it doesn’t mean you can’t. You can do it.
  68. You really do control your attitude and mood so believe you can and be happy.
  69. It’s hard to do your daily goals when your routine is off; hard not impossible.
  70. Pushing yourself is always good. ( I went to my first BJJ tournament on this day.)
  71. No matter what you think you are awesome. (I went to the tournament again and decided I wanted to start working towards competing.)
  72. I may have shown up lat to class but I showed up. (I showed up half an hour late to class because of traffic and work. I still showed up though.)
  73. You life is yours so live you life and achieve your goals.
  74. Being positive and thinking positive changes everything.
  75. I’m pretty sure I can do anything I set my mind to and you can too.
  76. Since I danced and did kick boxing I did my workout a bit different but I did it.
  77. The challenge is paying off. I’m seeing physical, mental and endurance changes. (I went to class that day. I must have been able to do more than normal.)
  78. Always be honest with yourself and know what motivate you.
  79. Hobbies and goals should be fun work. If not why do them. (I went to class and it must have been a fun one, since I was thinking about fun work.)
  80. Woot! It’s tough but I keep going (This was on day 80).
  81. Support is great and needed to have. Be grateful for your support system.
  82. It amazes me what a little bit of happiness can do sometimes. (Meaning some times it amazes me.  A little bit of happiness can do so much.)
  83. I can do anything because I keep the right attitude.
  84. A little encouragement can go a long way. (This was a class day.)
  85. I really fought with myself to do the workout but I did it and I am happy I did.
  86. I have the biggest smile on my face because I learn so much and felt the workout like crazy. (I had a Monday class, so yeah it was a workout.)
  87. The mind is powerful don’t waste it.
  88. I can tell this is still just the beginning of my healthy journey, but I’ve already come so far.
  89. It all seems like a mind game right now, and I am winning.
  90. 2 classes =2.5 hours is a great way to celebrate day 90.
  91. Only 9 more days and I’m feeling great. (Said with two smiles worth of happiness after another class.)
  92. Today seemed like a long day, good but long. Also I am loving BJJ more and more.
  93. I pulled something at class, so the last 7 days will be interesting.
  94. The pulled muscle/ part of leg is feeling better, still modified my workout. I’m happy with the results. I keep on going.
  95. Still modified the workout, but did more of what I can do. Only 5 more days now. Time to finish strong.
  96. Still modified the workout, still doing workout plus a little extra. I’m feeling positive with 4 days to go.
  97. I still modified the workout, but did even more of what I can do. Also I use to not be able to do 10 crossovers/ Russian twists. Now I can do 30 non-stop which makes me smile.
  98. I had a great class and really happy with my improvements.
  99. One more day. I’m feeling like a warrior. (Said with a smile on my face.)
  100. Woot! Woot! Yeah Buddy! I did 100 days and ended with an awesome class.

My final thoughts of this challenge was that it is great. I can do more of the basic exercises and can do my shrimping moves better. While doing what the workout I also stretched before hand on most days. This started as a bonus but is actually the part that I can see myself carrying still.

More than being better at the basics of BJJ this challenge showed me that I am determined. It also taught me that my brain is powerful and can over come my body. If I push with my brain and heart my body will follow; If I try to push with my body my brain will turn my will off.

If nothing else I will take away the strength of my brain.

Now it is on to my next 100 challenge that will be focusing on that brain of mine. More details will come in a different post. I’m pretty sure you are done reading this, just like I am done writing this.

Lastly, again YAY! I finished.

Over 3/4th of the way to 100

ocean walk 192

If you follow my blog you know that I am doing a 100 day  challenge where I do at least a ‘base’ workout. This consists of 10 reps of 10 different exercises. I first challenged myself to this undertaking in my 100 day challenge post. Since then I have recorded little things that I either felt, learned or thought of while doing the workout. I write these little records on a piece of paper and have now filled 3 pages. The first 2 have their own posts (1st post and 2nd post links).

This latest list starts on day 54, but since this is a new post the numbering starts at 1. Here is the latest list.

  1. Feeling pooped and icky is not an excuse. You can still reach for your goals. ( I was happy with this day, since there was a smiley face after it.)
  2. I’m so ready for bed, but I did my exercises so won’t be angry with myself tomorrow.
  3. Good day, good training and good fun. (It was a BJJ class day and I was smiling.)
  4. I feel like a warrior. A sneezing warrior, but still I’m a fighter now.
  5. I took the day off get stuff done and did everything and them some with a smile on my face. (It was another smiling BJJ class day.)
  6. I am becoming a better me at least with fitness. Life is a process.
  7. Only 40 more days until a new goal or challenge. I’m excited.
  8. I’m realizing the scale is not my friend. I am tougher than it tell me since I am not used to muscle.
  9. I didn’t think about working out I just did it. That’s what happens when goals become habit.
  10. You can learn anything, just try and ask questions. ( It was a BJJ class day. )
  11. New goals, new challenges and dreams combine beautifully.
  12. Pushing yourself when you think you can’t won’t only prove the negative thought bit also put a smile on your face.
  13. Always looking back may be a bad thing. Yet being reminded of how far you’ve come is good.
  14. Even if you don’t feel like you can do it doesn’t mean you can’t. You can do it.
  15. You really do control your attitude and mood so believe you can and be happy.
  16. It’s hard to do your daily goals when your routine is off; hard not impossible.
  17. Pushing yourself is always good. ( I went to my first BJJ tournament on this day.)
  18. No matter what you think you are awesome. (I went to the tournament again and decided I wanted to start working towards competing.)
  19. I may have shown up lat to class but I showed up. (I showed up half an hour late to class because of traffic and work. I still showed up though.)
  20. You life is yours so live you life and achieve your goals.
  21. Being positive and thinking positive changes everything.
  22. I’m pretty sure I can do anything I set my mind to and you can too.
  23. Since I danced and did kick boxing I did my workout a bit different but I did it.
  24. The challenge is paying off. I’m seeing physical, mental and endurance changes. (I went to class that day. I must have been able to do more than normal.)
  25. Always be honest with yourself and know what motivate you.
  26. Hobbies and goals should be fun work. If not why do them. (I went to class and it must have been a fun one, since I was thinking about fun work.)
  27. Woot! It’s tough but I keep going (This was on day 80).
  28. Support is great and needed to have. Be grateful for your support system

Bonus thought  – Trying is winning  because you are beating those who are not trying and your yesterday self.

Inside Thoughts

writing

 

The words are bubbling. They are brewing. I once danced with them on the beach with the setting sun. Now the moon reigns and the words are a mush of over cooked strew. They are just bubbling and brewing no longer dancing in my mind.

The beautiful melody of fantastic descriptions and deep pondering has left my side. I now sit wishing and wanting for the words I needed to say to arise again. I wait for them to dance out of the sludge like stew that is now taking over my mind.

Tiredness slows down my thoughts and the need for sleep mixes all of them together. At sunset with the cool breeze whispering words to me, my mind was perfectly poetic as it pondered a pure poem.  Now only random ramblings can be rattled off as the stew thickens and traps the dancing melody of the pure poem inside.

Half way to 100 days

ocean walk 192

 

I finished another page of my log for my 100 day challenge, so it’s time for the list of things I thought about while, after or during my workouts.

It’s numbering starts at 1 but really it’s day 27.

  1. Sometimes seeing the tally marks is the only thing to make you/ me to do another day.
  2. If someone, even yourself, says you can’t tell them/ you that you can or show them.
  3. Today I didn’t really know why I was doing my challenge, but that did not stop me from doing it.
  4. Today fun was brought, along with struggle, learning, fighting and sore body. I’m smiling. (It was a class day.)
  5. Forgot to mark I guess I wasn’t thinking only doing.
  6. It’s midnight, I’m not going to be smart. Do it. IT’s easier once it’s a habit.
  7. Another midnight workout. Tired but smiling. I did stuff today. Improv, site and workout.
  8. Not related, but still what I was thinking. Beauty is in the heart and soul not body. New tonight I actually do a sit up fully.
  9. Sometimes you learn from what other people do. I’m smiling. (It was a class day.)
  10. My knee is hurting so I changed things up and did extra of what I could. I didn’t let pain win, I adapted.
  11. Ow, everything hurts, but that doesn’t mean I’m quitting gotta keep fighting on. (It was a class day.)
  12. If I feel my muscles they are solid and great. I’m sore but strong.
  13. I wanted to go for a walk today as if my brain is changing.
  14. I realized today I’m working on being the dream girl for my dream guy which some how means I can’t live in a dream world. (I actually wrote a post about this.)
  15. 42% done. (I was a day off). I’m feeling awesome about working out when I wanted to sleep.
  16. Friends make things better. Also experiencing different things. (It was a class day.)
  17. A workout routine or goal routine gets better with momentum so once you start don’t stop.
  18. It always is great when people can see the results of your efforts. (It was a class day.)
  19. Just looking and knowing your progress/ journey helps.
  20. No one really knows where you started only results and what you share.
  21. Just doing what you set out for means something.
  22. I want to be where I want to be but I know once I get there I’ll want to be somewhere else.
  23. Halfway there baby! And almost didn’t even mark it. (Again a day early)
  24. I feel like I had an accomplished day, which I haven’t felt like in a while. It made me want to do more.
  25. Make sure you’re smiling more than you are frowning.
  26. Schedule, plan and remember your goals during the day.
  27. I’m tougher and stronger than I give myself credit for and you most likely are the same.

Crush

writing

I do have a crush. It is a crush with the knowledge that the name of it is coming. Like an attack on my heart temporarily wounding my soul.

If there were real dating leagues he would be one higher than mine. If you write him on paper he would be the perfect of husband material. I could ignore the league and rip the paper. Yet, I cannot ignore the melting of my heart when he smiles.

I want to be safe in his arms, nuzzling close to his heart. I want to invite him into my world to see the serious turn silly, which I’ve seen glimpses of. I want to join his world and learn how strength feels.

I would invite him, let him know that my heart skips a beat when I see him; tell him that his smile melts my heart. I would tell him anything and everything, except my insecurities creep up. The voice I promised myself I would ignore shouts that he is on a pedestal to high for me to get. The voice of my insecurities and fear yells that I am not worth his love and I think him so grand that I believe it. I won’t let him decide how he feels. I will wait until I can’t take the waiting, worrying and fame of what ifs, become more than I can bear. One I am convinced one way or the other I will buckle down and confess in a way that does really give him a real choice. That is when my heart will be crushed and my feelings will bleed with salt water from my eyes.

Yes,  my heart will be crushed or maybe there is another way. Perhaps this time will be different. I don’t know how to flirt or read subtle signs, but I can be bold. I can ask for advice.  I can request help in understanding my real options. There is a way to be open in the middle of my fear.

I will try this time and if my heart is crushed than my friends can help me glue it back together. Yes, I will go into battle to fill my heart’s desire with a medical kit if it breaks.