Forcing Myself To Be DreamWard Bound

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The journey to my dreams seem long today. Maybe it’s because I am looking at how far I have to go. Maybe it’s because work was stressful this week. Maybe it’s because I did not sleep well last night. I did drink 2 cups of caffeinated tea later in the evening. Maybe it’s something else that I am unaware of. Whatever the reason my journey feels like it is really just starting out.

I did work last night on my future plan and I am trying to figure out extra income, so that I can actually save significant amounts of money. I want to be able to meet with an acting coach for guidance and to figure out the best plan of action. I also want to be able to afford some acting classes. I also want to take a year off to focus solely on acting and creative stuff.  It doesn’t look like my novel will be published any time soon and even when it is I don’t know how it will sell.

I do know that I have a list of shorter writing projects that I can put together. One that I am working on is a kids book taken from one of my short stories. I am going to sketch the 1st draft today. Another idea is to put together a collection of poetry and creating art for each of them. The art would become the different pages of the book with the poetry incorporated on the page. There are a few more ideas, but those are the two I am focusing on at this moment.

I am also still working on figuring out a web-series. I have gotten as far as  knowing 3 character types I want and the set up of the episodes. I want at least 1 more character and not sure what exactly I want the ‘activity’ to be. I also have to think about locations. I mean if I decide a play rehearsal is the way to go, that would require a theater. If it is a role-playing game, that would require a home or something that could pass as a place where nerds would gather.

As you see there is still a lot to think about with the web-series. There is also a lot to think about with my writing side projects. There is also the whole acting career plan. That is actually turning into a life plan. I think I found out why my dreams feel so far away. I am actually looking at how big they are and all the little steps I am going to be taking now. I am also working hard towards them with planning and creating.  Yeah, I am either heading for a break through or a mental break down.

While I figure out where I am going please take a minute to read where I’ve been or watch. I did publish a video this week. Any ways here is the list of things I shared this week.

Choice and Action

Black Clad Assassin

Giving Art

Second-Hand (A Poem)

Weekly Writing Prompt (#28)

 

Oh, and I also published a Goal Getters onto my personal channel.

A New DreamWard Bound Post

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This week was a good week. I posted a few extra poems this week and wasn’t too stressed at work. I also planned out my normal weeks today. I am slowly getting back on track with being productive. I am also going to sit down, either today or tomorrow, and look at my goals. I need to take time to actually look at my goals and decide how I what I want my goals to be.  Time is a resource that I am lacking these days.

On another note, I am seeing improvements with my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu skills. This is funny to say, since I am a white belt, which means I have every little skills. Yet, I am improving. I can do things I haven’t been able to do and learning how to move my body and my partners body in order to get submissions or escapes. I know I’m still far from my blue belt, but it’s a journey and I can seeing the steps I’m taking moving me towards the first goals.

That is really all I have to say about my week. I did not do anything too excited, so I will leave you with my list of things I wrote.

Pairs Of Two

A Needed Poem

Weekly Writing Prompt 

DreamWard Bound, sort of.

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This week was full of work and being stressed out. I still found time to do some extra writing. I posted one poem and have two more to post this week. It was a long week though and I’m not even sure what I did. I just know that it felt never-ending and the days blurred together.

Since my week was so focused on work I don’t have much to say about my progress towards my goals and dreams. It feels like my future is taking a back seat to my present surrounds. I want to sit down and figure out how to be more focused on my future, but that takes time. We’ll see when I can actually get back on my dream track.

Until I do here is what I’ve posted this last week.

Weekly Writing Prompt(#7)

Half way to 100 days

Contrasting Human (Poetry)

Can We Just Say (Poetry)

Dream’s journey to Reality

DreamWard Bound, Another Week Another Post.

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How do I start this post? I always find it hard to actually start either writing something or starting a goal. It seems like starting is always the hardest part. Once you have momentum or get in a rhythm of either writing or goal achieving it is gets easier. Things start to flow and progress is made. Sometimes, like now, you just have to start and hope that you’ll keep going, keep writing.

So, I’ve started writing I guess I should continue you and tell you about my week. It seemed like a long week. At work I was doing a role called support, which is where I answer client’s questions and figure out issues that are more client facing and not the tech side of things. It is dealing with people, which I don’t think I am too good at and do not enjoy. I mostly don’t like it because it’s a combination of juggling acts, waiting games, and trying to translate my brain into something that the client will understand.

Well, half way through my week I started to get stuffed up. I held off the head cold until today, when I decided that it would not be a good idea to get buggers on other people. I skipped class, made a fort under my loft bed and watched a bunch of the first season of supernatural. Once I decided that was my plan for the day my body responded with basically giving in to the head cold, which after zoning out and napping for most of the day has gotten a lot better. Instead of a sinus headache, drained feeling, and super stuffy nose that the decision to relax for the day brought, it is now just a super stuffy nose.

I am happy to say that I did manage it write an extra post this past week, before I started to feel icky. I also am now on day 28 of my 100 day challenge and I’ve kept a daily thought log. I have one page of one line thoughts that  I will be putting into another post soon. After publishing this post, though, I do have to go do my exercises since I did skip my BJJ class. I am not liking the fact that I have to do the mini-workout, but that is mostly because I really would have rather gone to class. If only I wasn’t so bugger-filled.

Here is a list of the things I wrote this week.

The Poem I wear

Not An Ordinary Walk

Writing Prompt (#4)

A Late DreamWard Bound

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Today was a crazy day for me. I had very little down time, once I got out of bed. I cannot complain too much though, I started my day by running on the beach. I then went to my favorite cafe, The Windmill, and had a delicious breakfast with my roommate. We then went Christmas shopping before I dropped her off at our friend’s cook-out.  After I stopped in and said hello I went to back Christmas cookies with other friends. That was fun, loud, and enough socialization for me. I came home, made myself a dinner of rice and now I finally can write my weekly DreamWard Bound post.

I have been really focused on BJJ this week. Well, BJJ and Christmas stuff. I am going home this coming week, so need to have every Christmas thing done before then. I believe I finished my Christmas shopping today, but knowing me I will get home and realize that I forgot someone.

I did write a little and prepared a monologue to do. I actually have a few videos in my mind that I want to do, but haven’t had time. I am realizing that videos or acting is the first thing that goes in the later bucket, since they take a while to do. You see I have to do my hair and makeup before setting up my camera and making sure the light is right. I then do each video at least twice, but it is closer to five or ten times. Basically I need at least a solid hour to make one video. That is partly why I try to do more than one every time I record myself. I figure my hair and make up is already done along with the lighting and camera set up, so I try to do multiple.

Now that you know my excuses of why I did not do much this week here is the list I did do.

My Bad Morning (Short Story)

The Storm Outside (Poem)

Starting A Journey (random ramblings)

Pain So Good (Poem)

DreamWard Bound (Or The Fight Found Within Me)

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This was a good week. I may have not made a lot of head way with my goals and did not post five creative posts, but I did make a break through. A switch occurred in my mind this week. I did not realize it until I was at the gym today. I found the reason for why I want to work so hard to get to a different life. I learned something that seems at least deep to myself about myself.

The reason why I push myself and why I am dreamward bound is because I am fighting the little nagging voice inside me. The whisper in the back of my head that is saying, “You can’t. You are not smart enough. You are not good enough. You are not strong enough. You don’t really have talent.”

I also realized this week that this is the same voice that whispered to me through out my life. It whispered that I could not be a real artist, and I listened. It told me that I would easily blend into the background, so I let myself. This whispering voice told me that I was not good enough for all my dreams and I believed it.

Well, I started this blog and started to quiet that voice. I didn’t realize it at the time, but with every painting, every post, and every video I slowly started to not believe the part of me that said I couldn’t. Little by little I realized I am an artist and I am who I am. I also realized that I can do anything I want, because it may be hard but everything worthy of having takes something.

This week I realized that I stopped believing in the “no’s” my mind was whispering to me and started to prove them wrong.

The “I’m not smart enough” has turned into, “I will train my mind until I am.”

The “I am not creative enough,” has turned into a laugh, a smile and me telling myself, “Oh, yeah, sure. Watch this.”

The “I can’t”  has turned into “Watch me.”

Finally, the “I’m not strong enough,” whisper that has haunted me for so long has turned into, “Shut up, I’ll be strong enough.”

Basically, I am not going to live by the negative voice in my mind any more. I am done putting myself down because I try to lift everyone else up. I can see the amazing possibilities in everyone else up. Why shouldn’t I see that in myself?

All this said, I am hoping that you will see a different side of me. One with more energy and more conviction. I know that my main fight is not getting paid for my art, but being satisfied with it and using each piece to be better than the one before it. My fight now won’t be against the world, people, or status. It will be against myself from yesterday.

Basically I am taking one of my tips from my goal getter’s channel and applying it with super energy. I am going to focus on my behavior and actions, not the world.

Now that I got all that out, here is all the things I posted this week.

All The Steps To Achieving Your Goal (video from last Saturday)

Here I Stand (Video)

Travelling Bagel (micro Fiction)

Rush (Poem)

Can’t Hold Me Down (Poem)

Control of My Brain (Creative Ramblings)

 

DreamWard Bound for the week of Thanksgiving 2014

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After I wrote my last DreamWard Bound I thought this week would be super productive. I filmed two short videos. One video was an original monologue and the other was all the steps for achieving goals. I even edited my novel a bit. Of course when Monday came I felt drained from a headache and did not get to editing the videos. Wednesday was my free day, so I told myself I would edit them Wednesday. I forgot about shopping for Thanksgiving things and I also really wanted to go to the gym. After everything was done I thought, “it’ll be okay. I do more tomorrow, before Thanksgiving dinner. I mean I should be able to find time in the day to cook what I needed to and edit a video or write more, right?”

Thanksgiving came and it was an amazing day. I loved all the togetherness and love that was going around in the kitchen. I helped my friends prepare a great meal and we hung out a lot. However, by the end of the night I was done. I went straight to bed, telling myself that I had no plans for Black Friday. That would be the day that I came up with time to edit those videos and get ahead of my writing. I would even try to edit my novel, before going over my friends’ house to cat-sit for them.

I had all day on Friday, so there was no rush. I relaxed and went to the gym. I then did some Christmas shopping online, did the dishes, did a load of laundry. After all that was done I went to my D&D game night, well game time. We started at 4:30 so that we could be done by the time my friend had to go to the airport. Still I thought that I would right after I drove him and his wife to the airport,  or at least get those two videos edited. I even had one video up and ready to be edited.  I was done with any idea of being productive by the time I got back from dropping them off.

Needless to say, I am feeling pretty unproductive today as I write this post. I mean I did write some things and have those two videos that I will be editing after this. They did not disappear, so I can still do it. Still, I wanted to do more this week since I had two days off of work. A little part of me is glad that I did not do all the work I wanted to do, because I am now feeling more rested and ready to do more.

So, here is the list of things I wrote this week.

Prayer (from my SaltyLight blog)

Bubbling up (a Poem)

This Was Written By A Bagel (short story)

Goal Getters Channel (a write-up )

Yup, small list this week.

DreamWard Bound for November 8, 2014

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Warning: This post is fulled with a lot of excuses, but there is also some happy things in it too.

I hit the wall this week with my schedule. Last Saturday I only did the week’s DreamWard Bound post. I thought I would do some video recording on Sunday, but when it came around I did not feel well. This caused me not to get a monologue recorded for last week.  On Monday I realized I need to re-record step 7 of the goal achieving videos, so was unable to post it. I also was still not feeling great on Monday, so took a nap before writing. Tuesday should have been a day of recording but I just could not bring myself to setting up so I wrote more. I guess I just needed a week devoted to writing.

I also did not go to the gym at all this past week. I don’t really have a good reason or even an excuse for that. I just was so unmotivated that I did not go. I am now wishing I kept going to the gym, because it’s starting to be harder and harder to go. I have forgotten how great my body feels after and how much healthier I felt. It’s been two weeks and already I am forgetting why I go. This also makes it hard to eat right, because my brain goes why bother. I will be going to the gym after I finish this post, which I keep getting distracted away from.

Now on to the no excuse good part of this blog.

I am realizing more and more that I may not be able to do everything every day or every week, but that does not mean I will do nothing. Having my goals are great and I believe I have come far with what I do and how much I do, still I have to remember that I also have a full-time job, friends, and an adult life that will all take time away from my creative self. This is the life I am living now and I have to be flexible with somethings. Also, I shouldn’t beat myself up or put myself down because I didn’t have a twelve or thirteen hour day.

You see when I have my creative days, during the week, I wake up around 5:45 am , get ready, and go to work. After work I usually will  go to the gym (unless it was the last two weeks) then have a quick dinner, which most of the time I eat at my desk while I work. I will then write or edit my videos until at least 9 pm. If I am editing videos I will most likely stay working until 10:30 and then go straight to bed. This makes for a crazy work focused life, but honestly I do enjoy working that much. If I didn’t I would never make it the industry that I actually want to be a part of.

I know that one day I will wake up at 5:45 go to work and come home around 9 or 10 pm. The major difference being that the work will be what I love doing. I will have a creative career one day, but I am not there yet. I do see the journey and the benefits of all these long days and determined attitude. I am happy to do the grunt work that no one in the industry sees, so that I can be better and know more when they do see what I want them to see.

I believe that is all I have to say about my week, so here is the shorter list of the things I did this week.

I Am A Bagel (short story)

A Writing Experiment on Nothing 

Give me Happiness (a poem)

My Future (a poem)

Dream For You (A poem)

How Does My Marketing Show My Uniqueness? (A video)

 

This week's DreamWard Bound (10/25/14)

successIt’s noon and I already want to go back to bed. I don’t want to do anything productive, even though I have a bunch of productive things I need to do today. I want to be childish and throw a tantrum so that I don’t have to do it. This is actually how I’ve been for most of the week, which caused my week to drag on and on.

I just did not want to do anything this week, so I skipped the gym almost everyday and hardly worked or even thought about my goals. It seems to be time to get revive my excitement for my goals, which I will hopefully force myself to do after this post. Thankfully I do have a list of why I want my goals already started and will just add on to it. Reminding myself why I want the goals should help me push to work on them. Of course napping is sounding good, also.

Let’s get to what I actually did this week. I wrote 3 out of the 5 creative writing posts that I wanted  to write. I did record and post a monologue. I actually recorded two last Saturday but only have gotten around to posting one at this point. I also posted the fifth step in my goal getting series.

That is actually all I did for my goals. I only thought about eating right, did not go to the gym that much and  hardly talked to my family. I really was a hermit that only wanted to sleep.

Here is the list of the poems and videos that I did actually do.

Lucy’s Monologue From While you Were Sleeping (video)

What Is My Acting Style? (video)

Step 5 (video)

I Am A Dork (Poem)

Puzzle Piece (Creative Writing piece)

Time For A Time Poem (Poem)