Kitty's Monologue

by tiffanymonologue, my creative selfPosted on One Comment

writing

Kitty is a character in my novel, who can not talk. She finds different ways to communicate and share knowledge. There is a lot to her, but she can’t always get that across. This monologue is an internal monologue taking place inside Kitty’s mind to Noah, one of the other main characters and the person she is closest to.

I do hear you. I do understand you. I do deserve my position. I really do and I know you know I should be where I am. I just wonder if the others think I belong. Sometimes I know that I don’t, but then you look at me and I belong. Your brother seems hard and protective of his mission. He can’t see that it is my mission too.

I am locked inside my mind. I wish I could just tell you and your brother. Really I wish I could tell everyone what is happening inside. It is like the neural pathways  connecting my voice and thoughts are missing. With every trauma or change they are erased and I must relearn how to make sounds that would be considered words. To make matters worst my memories are misplaced. They are not lost, just misplaced. This makes it hard even know what I know. All my memories are intact, but they are hidden from me and it seems like just when I find a memory or way to connect my vocal cords and thoughts together they are erased or jumbled up.

I hope you understand that I am doing my best. Your smile makes me think you know, but how? I never know until I start reconnecting things. Maybe that is why you’re with me; to help me remember that I am not permanently broken just different with misplaced memories.

Hopefully one day I will get to thank you. Hopefully one day everyone will understand. I am smart and I am worthy of helping. It may be a long time, but I do hope.

I hope you like this and if you follow my blog you will learn more about the characters of  Duality, since I am pretty focused on it. At least I am trying to be really focused on it. 

My End Goals And Dreams

by tiffanyLife, other updates, random ramblingsPosted on No Comments

dreamer

I mentioned in this week’s DreamWard Bound post that I was going to sit down and revise not only my goals but my dreams or end goals. I wanted to start from scratch and figure out where I actually want to go from where I am.

I have done this at least one other time and I do not believe I shared the entire thing that I wrote about my goals and dreams. I have big dreams and sometimes I wonder if I share them if that will hurt my  chances of getting them. Well, more and more I am realizing that dreams are just goals without actionable steps being taken. My dreams might be larger than my life, but I do have small steps to walk towards them. I am creating goals for my life to bring me to my dreams.

Since my ideas of dreams and goals have changed, I would like to share with you my end goal and what I imagine my perfect life to be. I am not saying that my life will be perfect. It will just be perfectly suited for me. I know there will be hard times and sacrifices that I must make along the way, but it will be worth it.

Here you go.

Goals and Dreams:

Where do I start? In my dreams I am a happy artist.

My main focus is writing and acting. I wake up early most days and work long hours when I am on set. I am warm and friendly to both cast and crew. People Enjoy working with me. I work on either faith-based of sci-fi/ fantasy based movies or television shows portraying strong women, dorky side kicks, independent women or other roles that break false images of women or Christians. My main focus with acting is to shine the light of God’s love and the strength he gives his daughters. I want mainstream media to stop putting down or giving a false image of Christian women.

I want to be a part of a movement where we bring Christian morals back to entertainment and art. I want to help people see that Christianity is about loving each other and God’s love. I want to show and teach people that religion for religion’s sake is wrong, but a loving relationship with God is the way to live. He is the one who can save the world and he is the reason for love. Jesus came to the world not to condemn it but to save it and the world should know that. I want to help the world learn that kind of love.

Sorry for that little rant. Let me continue with the other areas of my future life.

I have a fan base that feels comfortable around me and who I actually help. They find support along with a distant friend in me.

I am more than an actor though. I also write and publish books. I have my blog, but my books are my main writing focus and means of income as far as writing is concerned.

I also work towards crossing 1 item off my bucket list each year.

When I am not writing or acting I want to be training BJJ or even another martial art. I want to be able to learn from every aspect of my life and use it towards acting, writing or any other art form I may take up. BJJ helps me prepare for fight scenes and give me confidence and friendship. My end goal with BJJ is to be physically healthy, able to protect myself, and perhaps even become a black belt.

For my family I imagine that I am close and talk often to both my real family and my church family. I know that they will always be there for me and they support me the best way they can. I want to be able to support them also with the needs they have. I also want to become as open as possible with each and every family member, creating relationships with no walls.

I know that I can do all this because I am focused on God. He is the only way that I will stay on track. I will grow my relationship with him daily either by prayer, podcasts, books, sermons, audio-books or conversations directed towards God.

My goals that I have are as follows:

Spiritual: In order to focus on God more fully I will not watch tv or YouTube, unless with friends or it’s teaching on God, for the next 3 months (until September 13th) and with that extra time I will listen to a podcast or read a Biblical based book. This time will be focused on growing my understanding about God and exploring where he might be leading me.

 Relationship: I will tell one person that I love them every day for the next month (until July 13th) and try to start a conversation with them. I am doing this to strengthen my relationships and spread my love.

Physical: I am going to train BJJ at least 3 days and do bed-room workouts 2 other days every week. In addition I am going to eat 1 organic meal a week and at least 1 healthy meal every day. I will do this for the next month (until July 13th).

Editing: I will spend 30 hrs in the next 30 days editing my book (July 13th), keeping in mind that my new deadline for the second draft is November 1st.

Acting/ Writing: I will write 1 monologue a week and record at least 1 monologue a month. I will post every monologue that I record to YouTube to help grow my audience and receive feedback. I will do this for 3 months (until September 13th).

Getting Back To Being DreamWard Bound.

by tiffanyDreamward boundPosted on One Comment

success

I yet again did not do too much focusing on being dreamward bound. My goals and working towards my future has fallen to the side line. At this moment my goals are not even where I can see them clearly. This is because I know I need to revise them and get them back up, but I’ve been lazy this week. Well, I’ve been lazy and a little obsessed with Once Upon A Time. It is such a neat show with great characters. Thankfully for my time management I finished all the episodes that I can watch.

I am going to refocus on my goals, now, and revise them so that I can yet again be on the road towards my dreams. It always seems hard to start the revision process and some times I don’t really do it. I am so far from even knowing where my heart’s goals lie that I might just start from scratch and revise my end/ all goals. What I mean by that is take the day and really think about how I want my future to be and what I should be focusing on. This will take more time than my normal tweaking of the dates, order, or time spent. Doing a full revision will take most of the day, if not all of it. Thankfully I have no plans for the day and only have Church tomorrow. I just need to stop being distracted and do it.

Okay, here I go. I am going to go spend the rest of the day organizing my dreams and life. I will leave you with the two posts I published this week.

Many Journeys (A Poem)

Weekly Writing Prompt

A Sunday Afternoon's DreamWard Bound

by tiffanyDreamward bound, other updatesPosted on No Comments

successAlthough I typically try to write these on Saturdays, I had no motivation to do anything yesterday. I also did not feel like I was dreamward bound. I basically was a Debby downer for myself and the worst part is that I gave into it. I gave in to the lack of energy, lack of motivation, and lack of belief in myself.

It is a good thing that today is a new day. Today I am focusing on the fact that I live among people who love me and support me. I actually did a bunch of creative things this week and did editing work on my novel.

I am overdue to revise my goals, which may be the reason for the feeling that I am not heading towards my dreams and my dream life. I am happy with my life for the most part, I just know that it could be better in some areas. More and more I realize one area that could improve is my work life. I would love to just write, paint, and act all day long. I am a far way off from that life though. I just need to keep working on my artistic skills and be open to share my art with the world. One day I will be living my dream life and when that day comes all this struggling getting there will be worth it.

Reviewing and revising my goals will be helpful in that it will remind me of my dreams and where I actually want to be in my life. Revising my goals is something to do after I publish this post, though.

I mean I don’t have much else to say, except this week felt a little crazy. It was all work and being a busy bee type of thing. Nothing too interesting in the details of the week.

I guess I can finish this post and go revise the goals. I will leave you with the list of things I did this week.

Asking a question and then ramblings about Love (A Vlog

)

Telling My Dream 

Where I write

Friendship (A Poem)

Weekly Writing Prompt

Telling My Dream

by tiffanyother updates, PoetryPosted on 3 Comments

encouragement

The inspiration for this post comes from my weekly writing prompt series. The prompt is ‘Write a poem or short story with the sentence, “I didn’t want to tell my dreams to someone new.” ‘

I didn’t want to tell my dreams to someone new.
I wanted you to be the only one who knew.
But like a bird away you flew.
Leaving alone to see you in a new hue.

No, I didn’t even want to tell you my dream.
I wanted it to be my scheme,
but you pushed saying we will be a team.
Yet, you still left before the sun even shared a beam.

Where I Write.

by tiffanymy creative selfPosted on One Comment

encouragement

Describe  your desk or work are where you write. Is it clean, dirty, or cluttered? Is it organized? What objects or decorations are on it or around you while you write?

This is a writing prompt from my weekly writing series. 

Where do I write?  I write at my black wooden desk that once was at a Target. It now is assembled with its one drawer almost always staying closed and stacks of notebooks, papers, pens and random artifacts from my days spread across its flat matte service. It is like a cozy cocoon where my creative ideas hide away.

It is clean, with hardly any trash or spills on it. It is cluttered and appears to be a mess, but if you ask me where a certain note is or where my favorite pen is I can tell you. It may seem like there is no order to my writing space, but just like my brain I know the rules and organization that is in place, even when others can’t.

 

Friendship (A Poem)

by tiffanyPoetryPosted on 2 Comments

poetry

I cannot, will  not lead you.
I cannot, will not tell you what is right.
Yet, I will walk beside you.
Yet, I will talk with you until you see some light.

Answers will come after questions;
who asks and who answers we’ll have to decide.
Some times the conversation will be made up of facial expressions.
Still no matter what I will be on your side.

This was just a quick little poem, that actually came from one of my prompts. Which weekly prompt I do not know, so cannot link you that blog. Still, I hope you enjoy this poem.

My Writing Warrior Challenge

by tiffanyother updatesPosted on One Comment

draft1.5 011

Since my first 100 day challenge went so well, I have decided to do another. In the first challenge I focused on getting in better shape for my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Now, since I am going to try to increase my classes I thought it would be good to challenge myself in a different aspect of my life.

This challenge will focus on my brain, more specifically editing. I already procrastinated past the deadline I gave myself. It is time to get this book’s second draft finished.

Now I am not saying I will finish editing my book in 100 days. That would stress me out more than it would be helpful.  No my writing warrior challenge is much more simple. I will edit for 20 minutes a day. Some days I will be able to edit more, but I will not edit any less. If I do I start the count over.

Unlike the other challenge I will not be logging a thought a day. I will most likely tweet more about this challenge, but not a thought every day. I am already thinking a bunch trying to edit the book.

The good news is that I’m already on day 2 with most of the 20 minutes done. That being said I will let you know how it all went 98 days from now.

Here Is A DreamWard Bound Post

by tiffanyDreamward bound, other updatesPosted on No Comments

success

Hello, reader.  I am yet again writing this later than I like. I blame the wonderful naps I took and the events I had this weekend. It started with 2 BJJ classes on Friday after work, which I followed by sushi, ice-cream, and a movie. The movie was with friends, but the sushi and ice-cream was some apparently needed me-time. It was really great to do what I wanted and enjoy spending time out and about with no one else.

On Saturday I had another BJJ class, so I’m kind of sore. I then got ready as fast I could and went to a The Gravity’s show. It was a great show and the band rocked it. The band is filled with talent musician and if you can ever listen to their stuff (cover songs) I suggest you do. Plus, they know how to be performers, so seeing one of their shows is always fun. After that fun show and having class I opened this post to write this but got as far as adding the picture before realizing I needed a nap.

Today I went to church, served, and then out for a sushi lunch with friends. Lunch was followed by another nap. I woke up and did not want to get out of bed, so now I’m writing this post around dinner time. Still, I am writing this post and that is all that really matters.

Of course, now I cannot remember what I did this week. This weekend totally erased last week I guess, which is good. I will start this coming week refreshed and with a clean slate.

I do know that between eating right and having 2.5 hours of BJJ on Friday I am on the downward trend with my weight. I started at 183 and now am at 176.

I am also listening to at least Air1 at least going to my carpool, which is my 10 minutes of listening/ learning about God. This week since I am driving in by myself I do plan on listening to audio books for the 45 minute (or more) drive.

As for my goal about posting 5 times a week, well I haven’t found the right schedule for that. Also it seems like I need to make a new deadline for my second draft completion for my novel. I just haven’t been able to sit and write or edit these past weeks. This is why they are goals though. I am working towards getting my second draft done and writing 5 creative posts a week.

I did write some this week, so here are the posts.

Weekly Writing prompt

Over 3/4th of the way to 100

Why Do I  Love You?

I hope you enjoy my writing.

Why do I love you?

by tiffanyBrazilian Jiu-jitsu writings, monologuePosted on 3 Comments

writing

 

I find myself asking why do I love you? I know you’d never ask. You’re just happy that I do and I am very happy that there is love between us. Still I ask myself why do I love you? What makes you so special in my eyes? How did I get so enthralled with you so fast?

My answer to myself is because you are a challenge where I can learn something new with each visit. You push me to be my better than my best and some how at the same time you show me that I am better than I thought. You show me that I can achieve more than I thought I could but show me that it’s a journey that I just started. You give me confidence even when I am beaten down. The best thing is that you don’t let me give up because you know I can do more and when I do do more I am all the better for being pulled through it.

After our time together I find myself getting stares and I am not completely aware as to why. It could be because you make me feel beautiful especially when my hair is a mess, so I go out looking a bit crazy. It could be because of the giant smile you put on my face. Either way I will happily accept the stares if it means that they are seeing a fragment of you.

You are becoming my happy place and a shield of protection even when I am not in my comfort zone.

So yes you can kick my butt, choke me out and twist my arm along with any other body part because Jiu-Jitsu you give me so much and I learn every time I am hurt.

Thank you for being hard and pushing me. Thank you for breaking me away from my comfort zone and showing me that I am tougher than I think. Most of all though Thank you for teaching me about a different side of myself and giving me new journey to explore. Thank you Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu for being awesome.